literature – Abhinav Bhatt

FU News: Machine Learning Model for Predicting Maid Abstaining Days

It might come as a surprise but the Data Scientists at FU News are humans too. It is their duty to present useful information to the world but they cannot be held accountable if the heap of utensils in the sink grows exponentially large. That’s because they cannot do the dishes if they have to dish out fishy stories week after week. So they outsource the cleaning part to Maids (as they are respectfully called in India as Bai which means Sister).

There is usually a cordial relationship between a house and the maid. The balance of power of course (due to the long history of Indian Culture which disabled the men to learn even basic chores) is towards the maids because they have the power to bring a peaceful house on its knees (literally). In terms of importance and usefulness in a house, the order is usually Maid > Missus > Kids > etc. > Men. Maids do hold the key to a successful household. You cannot and should not even think of arguing with them. No, please don’t. No.

But what if Maid takes unannounced leaves? What if the Maid (or cook for that matter, this blog doesn’t stereotype) bunks randomly? What if the sink overflows and the pile of unwashed dishes turn into a tsunami and engulfs everything?

J

Stay home till it’s cured, they said. Don’t go out yet, it’s still really bad. Try to stay sane, mental health is serious, don’t go mad. So much has already happened, it is indeed a tad bit sad.

I obeyed, duly complied, stood at one place, didn’t move. I understood the implications, nobody had to try too hard to prove. I submitted myself and kept myself grounded. Kept washing my hands every 15 minutes, nobody had to shout as I was self-hounded.

But we don’t celebrate

From Netflix’s Comedians in Cars getting Coffee with Jerry Seinfeld and Ricky Gervais:

“Auschwitz, December 25, 1944

In a dark, dull, and desolate dorm, cramped with many thin, malnutritioned, ready to give up faces, a Schutzstaffel kommander enters.

He announces, “tis the time and the Fadar Christmas tells me to release you all. You can go now. All free and ye shall now enjoy the wonderfulness of the festivities!”.

Everyone’s face is about to lit up when a man at the back of the room says, “But… We don’t celebrate Christmas!”.

Everyone does a collective facepalm and scene ends.”

Yearly reminder about Demonetization

I was about to write today’s blog but then I got reminded about the happenings of 8 PM, November 8, 2016. As we all know, Demonetization changed our lives forever. Earlier, we use to pay with notes, coins, Netbanking, Cards, and mobile wallets as tender. Now we pay with notes, coins, net banking, cards, mobile wallets and… Oh, actually nothing changed really. I might have been dreaming about utopia. Nevertheless, I also got reminded about 2 of my previous posts about the DeMo by Modi.

Here they are for everyone’s pleasure:

Open Letter to my Daughter

https://medium.com/@abnvx/open-letter-to-my-daughter-regarding-500-1000-rupee-notes-a4dd91736396

A bit about Bitcoins

Toastmasters Speak to Inform Speech 1 : A Bit about Bitcoins

FU News – Tension at an all-time high in a narrow alleyway today

Lucknow, India – FU News Staff

In clearly a case of growing Intolerance, today in the office of certain department, 2 men of 2 different communities got stuck in a logger jam situation in a narrow alleyway near the Water Cooler.

Both men had more than reasonable paunches so only one could pass at a time. However, due to the rising Intolerance, both came in together and expected the other to give side to the other.

FU News: Studies reveal Men from Mars and Women from Venus a Truth

FU News Science Team Secret Report from NASA Laboratories ((European Alps), the Equator)

After a highly confidentially conducted experiment, lasting for 10000s of years, scientists have come to a startling conclusion. You might have to sit down for this.

The statement,

“Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”

, hold your breath, is true. That’s the reason that they both are totally different species as they are from totally different planets. The differences have always been stark but there has always been a pull among the two like there is some sort of gravitational attraction. That is weird but in a way that is just simple but sometimes complex as well as are all the other attractions.

FU News: Uber for protests launched

In an interesting turn of events, a startup company, which earlier dealt with raw materials for arranging a protest like placards, banners, stones, unemployed youth, and water cannons (if you happen to be in their right books), has launched an Android App, ‘Stonr : The Dharna App’. This app has been made to meet the increasing demands of protests.

Stonr: Uber for Protests

“There is a huge demand for arranging various things for a successful protest. So we thought, it is worthwhile to invest in Stonr”, its founder said. With this app, you needn’t worry about logistics of a protest. You can just enter the location, timing, headcount and tentative number of stones required and voila! the app take cares of the rest. Any jobless youth interested in protesting, can register themselves as ‘Protestrs’ and find any nearby protests and can join in. Whenever there is lack of material and protesters, the app provides a ‘Surge’ where joinees will get free caps, and a 2 minute primer of the cause of protest, in case any journalist asks.

The app is based on a freemium model where first protests will be free provided you use the promocode ‘DHARNA’. Afterwards, the protestee will have to pay a sum of Rs. 100,000 per protest for 100 protesters and Rs. 250 thereon for more headcount per person.

The app is currently available only on Android but soon it will be on other OS too. ‘Stonr’ has already started getting traction and has had 2 Million downloads. Unicorns like HardBank and U-Capital have shown intentions to invest in the app and they value it in billions already.

App Screenshots via Freepik.com

Disclaimer: FU News is Fake Unconfirmed News.