FU News – Abhinav Bhatt

FU News: Machine Learning Model for Predicting Maid Abstaining Days

It might come as a surprise but the Data Scientists at FU News are humans too. It is their duty to present useful information to the world but they cannot be held accountable if the heap of utensils in the sink grows exponentially large. That’s because they cannot do the dishes if they have to dish out fishy stories week after week. So they outsource the cleaning part to Maids (as they are respectfully called in India as Bai which means Sister).

There is usually a cordial relationship between a house and the maid. The balance of power of course (due to the long history of Indian Culture which disabled the men to learn even basic chores) is towards the maids because they have the power to bring a peaceful house on its knees (literally). In terms of importance and usefulness in a house, the order is usually Maid > Missus > Kids > etc. > Men. Maids do hold the key to a successful household. You cannot and should not even think of arguing with them. No, please don’t. No.

But what if Maid takes unannounced leaves? What if the Maid (or cook for that matter, this blog doesn’t stereotype) bunks randomly? What if the sink overflows and the pile of unwashed dishes turn into a tsunami and engulfs everything?

FU News – Tension at an all-time high in a narrow alleyway today

Lucknow, India – FU News Staff

In clearly a case of growing Intolerance, today in the office of certain department, 2 men of 2 different communities got stuck in a logger jam situation in a narrow alleyway near the Water Cooler.

Both men had more than reasonable paunches so only one could pass at a time. However, due to the rising Intolerance, both came in together and expected the other to give side to the other.

FU News: Studies reveal Men from Mars and Women from Venus a Truth

FU News Science Team Secret Report from NASA Laboratories ((European Alps), the Equator)

After a highly confidentially conducted experiment, lasting for 10000s of years, scientists have come to a startling conclusion. You might have to sit down for this.

The statement,

“Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”

, hold your breath, is true. That’s the reason that they both are totally different species as they are from totally different planets. The differences have always been stark but there has always been a pull among the two like there is some sort of gravitational attraction. That is weird but in a way that is just simple but sometimes complex as well as are all the other attractions.

FU News: Uber for protests launched

In an interesting turn of events, a startup company, which earlier dealt with raw materials for arranging a protest like placards, banners, stones, unemployed youth, and water cannons (if you happen to be in their right books), has launched an Android App, ‘Stonr : The Dharna App’. This app has been made to meet the increasing demands of protests.

Stonr: Uber for Protests

“There is a huge demand for arranging various things for a successful protest. So we thought, it is worthwhile to invest in Stonr”, its founder said. With this app, you needn’t worry about logistics of a protest. You can just enter the location, timing, headcount and tentative number of stones required and voila! the app take cares of the rest. Any jobless youth interested in protesting, can register themselves as ‘Protestrs’ and find any nearby protests and can join in. Whenever there is lack of material and protesters, the app provides a ‘Surge’ where joinees will get free caps, and a 2 minute primer of the cause of protest, in case any journalist asks.

The app is based on a freemium model where first protests will be free provided you use the promocode ‘DHARNA’. Afterwards, the protestee will have to pay a sum of Rs. 100,000 per protest for 100 protesters and Rs. 250 thereon for more headcount per person.

The app is currently available only on Android but soon it will be on other OS too. ‘Stonr’ has already started getting traction and has had 2 Million downloads. Unicorns like HardBank and U-Capital have shown intentions to invest in the app and they value it in billions already.

App Screenshots via Freepik.com

Disclaimer: FU News is Fake Unconfirmed News.

FU News: Human Neck to get longer, evolution study reports

Oct 11, 2020 – Tawang, India

In a throat grabbing study published by the unscientific group ‘Evolution World Wide’ (aka Eww), it was noted that the next version of Humans will have longer necks, as long as evolution stays as a fact.

Local MLA feeling neglected due to US Elections

Octo 4 2020; FU News Correspondent, Goa, India

Local MLA has shared his utter disappointment through a Tweetstorm about him feeling neglected. He said that the whole world is more interested in US elections than their local issues. Most of the people in his own constituency, who voted for him and made him the MLA don’t remember his name but they know full biography of all the Presidential and Veep Candidates.