Tag: India

  • Dear Bhakts, we need to talk

    Dear Bhakts, we need to talk

    Firstly let me break it to you –

    THERE IS NO BHARAT MATA. Nopes.

    She doesn’t exist. Get it? It is just a figure of speech. Alright?

    How do you feel when I say that Bharat Mata doesn’t exist? Do you feel blood boiling? Feeling of rage? Urge to punch my face and take out some teeth? Edging towards feeling where you need to… err.. *gulp* behead me? If your answer to any of this is yes, then we need to talk.

    Come sit here. Let’s have some fun. Now tell me, do you like this tag: Bhakts? I am guessing No. Normally Bhakt means anyone who is a believer. But this Bhakt means that someone who is a blind believer. So which kind of Bhakt are you? See, you have made this word sound so derogatory.

    The one who believes that as a Nation should progress and everyone gets equally benefited? Or you the one who thinks that your… I mean our Savior, the Messiah, the one who can’t be named is the best and whatever is happening in our country is awesomesauce kind of good? If you are latter, then I feel sad for you. (Are you the one who sends all those Whatsapp messages which say that India’s National Anthem is #1 as per UNESCO?)

    Of course, all those who voted for the present Union Government are not Bhakts. And those who stereotype everyone who occasionally applauds few rare good things (and probably ignores few really stupid things) are plain ignorant minds who draw their inspiration from parrots who just keep repeating things.

    But then there are a lot of actual Bhakts who think their savior is here. And this is as true as Ganpati Idols drinking Milk. Do you know that you are overdoing it now? There is no need to keep reiterating that everyone who doesn’t say Bharat Mata ki Jai is some sort of a criminal and deserves to go to Pakistan or such. NO NEED. You can do fine without doing any of this drama. You needn’t go to everyone and make them shout this slogan. We are not at war against anyone. You are not standing on border with a gun and ready to pounce on the enemies. And you are not encouraging anyone by saying this as if one shouts ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ and everything falls into place and we become a Superpower. Also, WTF is a Superpower? Is it some sort of Divyashakti or Brahmaastra which will give us some edge over others that nobody else has and with it we can rule whole of the Solar System? Seriously. WHY DOES INDIA NEED TO BE A SUPERPOWER? We just need to do things right. Our things right! We just need to be good to everyone around us. And scare off those who scare us by strengthening our bonds. Slogans won’t help immediately. ‘Saare Jahan Se Achcha Hindostan Humara’. How? Other countries are not participating in this, is it? You just do your things right. It should be ‘Saare Jahan mein one of the best Hindostan Humara’. There surely are people in our country who don’t feel the same like you do. But that is OKAY. Happens everywhere, everytime. You can very well state your stance without poking flags into everyone’s face and challenge their views or standard definitions about patriotism. You need to chill. You are not a Nazi. Or favorite word Fascist. Are you? I am not going to lecture, nor I can, that showing patriotism is a matter of one’s choice, circumstances and context and there is absolutely no need to explicitly show off your patriotism. Please show your love for the country when it needs it. During a Sports Tournament when you are in a Stadium. Or when PM visits your middle east country if you happen to be slogging there. Or just do your job right. It doesn’t take that much. Stop making life of normal people awkward. Stop misusing the word patriotism and stop disrespecting the Saffron color by being its sole champion. Nowadays, it becomes more weird to see people coming to you with Saffron band on their head as compared to LinkedIn requests from your neighborhood aunties. You don’t need to do that. You want to show that you love your country, just be a part of M.O.D.I.

    And I am not even going to say like everyone has said that “I say Bharat Mata ki Jai  all the time but you are overdoing it”, I will just say that you are making a mockery of yourself and overfeeding the media who loves this crap. I am just going to politely ask you to shut up and do the work assigned to you. Bharat Mata wants you to do that. Thanks.

    P.S. I am sure you know that the header pic is a fake?

  • How to get a Marriage Certificate?

    How to get a Marriage Certificate?

    So you want a Marriage Certificate to declare your marriage official? Great. You have come to the right page. Here’s a step by step description that can save you heaps of trouble. Go on:

    Certificate is just a piece of paper but...
    Certificate is just a piece of paper but…
    1. LET GO OF ALL YOUR EGO. All of it. There should be no trace left of it on your forehead, face, anywhere on your body. Otherwise you can’t do it. Throw your ego as far as you can. Wipe it clean. Delete it. Empty the recycle bin. Shift Delete the recycle bin itself now. Now maybe you are ready, just may be. Doesn’t matter you are a Team Leader with Best Employee award from last 5 years in your company or a best fast bowler in India or winner of best looking baby award in past. You are nobody. Remember this and proceed.
    2. Now decide to get married first. (read: surrender). I know this is a tough thing to decide quickly but it is okay. Nobody cares except you. Just do it. Eventually your body will get old and saggy so why not now? And in case you were eager and desperate yourself from the word go, go for it right away.
    3. Get married formally i.e. get married in front of few people. Peacock danced in the forest but no body watched so what’s the point, they say.
    4. Go to the Magistrate office or local Municipal corporation office. Reach there by 1030 MAX. Although you won’t find any staff there but good to reach before them. If you reach after they have reached, it would mean that you are not serious about getting the certificate. You will be dealt like how Autowalas deal with passengers when they don’t want to go anywhere.
    5. Find out in which room these marriage certifications are made or some point of contact to start the ordeal. The place will have lots of rooms and not all room house the right people. So find out where do you need to be. Don’t waste time.
    6. Once you find the right person, politely ask for the form. The politeness level depends the fate of the day. If you still have some ego left, please flush it down. If you haven’t brought the invitation card, you may be doomed and best is to resign and go to Himalayas. If you have the card without sweets, you must promise that you will bring sweets the next time with an expression of a puppy who just wants a cookie. If you don’t have anything but still want to pursue, don’t lose temper when the officer will throw away your form like you throw away garbage on the streets. This is how they roll. Bend a little more to enhance your body language and show humility.
    7. Get the form filled with utmost care. Get all the documents ready. Leave nothing behind. Bring all your birth, death, childhood, adulthood, financial and social certificates or cards. Memorize your grades in schools. Get couple photographs of your wedding in full attire and one without attire as in normal clothes. The photographs should be in sizes ranging from 3×5 and 4×6 and remember #nofilter.
    8. Once the documents are ready, proceed to the office where someone checks your document. They might be gone for lunch. So just be patient and wait. They’re still at lunch. They will always be in lunch so just wait. Once they appear, pounce on and show them  your documents. Now, they might be intimidating and scary. Don’t lose your cool when they say that you don’t look like the one who got married in the pics. Just smile silently. Once they do all the checks, they might ask priests or witness to testify. This is a normal process and involves a lot of visual insult and verbal patronizing but let it be. Happens yaar. You are not President of India. Chill.
    9. Once documents are verified, submit them to the office and wait. They might ask you again whether you got married properly. Just recite few mantras and shlokas to impress them. Don’t impress too much. Now the officer might wink at you. Wink means Chai-Paani. There is no need to do that. If you do serve Chai-Paani this list is useless. Please go see a doctor. If you want no corruption, just be down to Earth and polite and desperate. Few drops of tears to show your eagerness might help. Who knows. Now the officer will ask you the fee which ranges from Rupees 6 to Rupees 100. Again, if you have some jack, the officer will pay Rs. 6 from his/her own pocket. Otherwise people write a cheque or something and sigh.
    10. Keep waiting till your documents are approved and you get a certificate after few days. If you want it today itself, kindly regret because you don’t have any contacts.

    Sigh. So this is the almost exact procedure. I had a contact but I didn’t know the person by face. So I asked one guy whether he knows this contact. He told me to go to some room. He himself was the contact but he never acknowledged. Talk about getting a certificate. All the best.

    This is you
    This is you

  • An Ode to ISRO

    In a country like India, there are extreme contrasts in status of living. While we have the poshest malls with sleek interiors and shiny billboards, just few hundred meters from there, we can have poverty ridden neighborhoods which lack even basic necessities like water and spaces to live. We have metros swooshing over a bridge and can have families living under the same bridges oblivious to the rush above. We are known to move 4 steps forward and 2 steps backward in even things like common civic sense. Our Prime Minister has to explicitly mention about things like cleanliness and toilets even after almost 7 decades of Independence. I can go on and complain about things which are wrong in our country, but I will stop here.

    This post is for the things that work and how!

    In a country where people change their utmost important appointments due to some celestial object just transitioning another and thereby blocking our line of view of the latter creating a ‘sootak‘, we also have people who are constantly pushing the boundaries of what Indians (and humans) are capable of.

    This is for ISRO.

    When first humans set foot on the moon
    the whole world moved and began to swoon
    we also fluttered a bit while still in infancy
    started things of our own, though not so fancy

    25 days after that giant leap
    a small org in India came into being
    we were still young and just getting the hang
    we started our own, though not with a big bang

    Then PM met scientist Sarabhai, joined hands at par
    and ISRO got formed from INCOSPAR
    with humble beginnings and challenges that mar
    it had to overcome them all and travel very far

    You are drastically poor and can’t feed your own people
    you still use bullock carts as your national vehicle
    what are you going to achieve, they always asked
    do tasks to mask your poverty, rather than trying to bask

    They said, damn, you don’t need a space programme
    It won’t work, it will all be a sham,
    Just pray for the rain, you are a country of farmers
    Harvest food not ideas, anyways you are just snake charmers

    But

    Some people relented and counter-challenged the challenge
    They knew that they had it in themselves, ignored the barrage
    Motive was not to display our astronomical might
    But it was to give wings to the hope and push it to flight

    Since ages India has always been keen in astronomy // and also astrology 🙂
    it derailed in between but had to again get autonomy
    From Zero to Mysore’s rockets, we always had sound minds
    Hungry we might have been, but hungry also for other kinds

    So it quietly worked and kept breaking new grounds
    Sent several satellites and successes kept doing rounds
    With every launch, it generates more and more amaze
    It always fazes the doubts, but without hoopla or craze

    The people there are, are totally unlike celebrities
    The things they do, needs precise degree of alacrity
    with apron clad gentlemen and saree clad ladies, young and old
    they smile they cheer with subtlety, but that’s how they roll

    Whatever its motive that time may have been
    For me it is clear from what I have seen
    it gives us hope that we can do a lot
    Nothing is impossible if we have a mission to be sought

    From Aryabhatta to MOM, we have come a long way
    ISRO’s eyes are set on targets with no chance of sway
    it enlightens the hope to overcome and explore
    it keeps successes quiet and let its work to do the roar.

    Made this small gesture with ideas from Newspace India and Sandy.

    ISROCKS
    ISRO’s Mars orbiter mission, Chandrayaan and Aryabhatta satellites

    Well, I just wish to see more of their work to be displayed in schools and colleges, more exhibitions of the achievements, occasional site visits of the launches of the PSLVs, more boastful tweets like Elon Musk does, but I know that won’t happen. They will keep building amazing stuffs with seriousness and calm. But I am sure that they will continue to inspire and give smiles to us.

     

    —

     

    Update: Came across this interesting video:

  • Science of Abusing

    Ever wondered why most of the abuses which usually everyone (across the world) uses on a daily basis are generally based around females or feminine parts?

    For example: A couple of nights ago, I watched a recently released Hindi movie ‘Mardaani’ which is a Hindi word translated to English meaning ‘Masculine’. The protagonist is a female police officer and it’s about girl child trafficking who’s kingpin eventually gets busted by the lady officer. The most commonly used abuse in the movie, produced by someone who usually make lovey dovey movies, to make it look more ‘realistic’ is ‘Chutiya’ and its variants. This word, which is not even considered an abuse at many places in India, literally means someone who has female genital. So, in short, the movie which has a masculine name to show that the protagonist is a fearless and brave woman (like men usually are) uses the word which in itself derogatory for women (meaning weak and fragile like womenfolk usually are). According to many people, that is.

    Almost every abuse you come across has to do something with a female. Even if a guy is a total sonofabitch, it’s his mother’s mistake apparently or politely you may say upbringing and that is solely mother’s responsibility because men don’t. If a guy does something ordinary or extra-ordinary or does nothing at all, people react usually by congratulating the sister. And surprisingly not only men use these abuses, many females use them as well. It is similar to showing off oneself as cool by smoking a cigarette. Now since prices have increased, only other way to show coolness is by abusing.

    I was meaning to understand the logic behind this human tradition. Just putting up some questions without answers in this post:

    • Is it just a ploy to keep them under the thumb forever by keep making them feel inferior?
    • Is it just a way to make men feel guilty of their existence if they do anything remotely feminine, say crying?
    • Do people feel relieved after they abuse? Personally, only to a certain extent but never fully satisfied. Because probably I like to punch instead of abuse. But you cannot punch yourself always after a certain number of times, no?
    • Is it part of human genome to abuse to let go of stress? If yes, why not abuse a stone? Why only concentrate hatred on women?
    • What did women do to become a favorite in the abuse business? Who decided these rules of society where women cannot do certain things (Like burping (Remember Queen?))? And if they do, all hells break loose.
    • Calling a man a woman or a donkey or whatever, how does that matter?
    • What is the science behind it?
    • Why do people laugh when they hear abuses? It is not as taboo as other things. It doesn’t require much of an effort.

    And so on…

  • Going to vote baby!

    Going to vote baby!

    I can’t promise to not put up a candid inked selfie of my index finger after I vote tomorrow. It has been such a long time I last voted, in 2009 twice and both the times, the people for whom I voted, lost. Well, voting is the least I can do to contribute something to the country, if not pollution, population and generally dissing the system. And I am excited about voting. (baby!)

    Everyone wants to believe that they’re important. Everyone wants to express and believe that people listen to them. That’s why we post status messages on Facebook and Tweet about what are eating for dinner. But when it comes to expressing about who they want to see as their political leader, you are bombarded with aggressive replies, showered with cynicism and painted some-tard by the others and occasional shoe hurlings DUCK!. I will try with this post to ruffle your hair with love and affection and ask you to please vote this time to make you feel important. If you want, I will accompany you to a pub too, if that helps (but I won’t drink and you will pay for my nachos at least).

    People need to understand how important is it to vote, and donate blood and I want to push you to do both. If you are anaemic then just vote. I know that you’re thinking that voting and blood donation is almost the same thing although the latter is voluntary. Personally speaking from my life experience, I never forced anyone to do anything but I suggest you to try voting. I don’t even request anyone to do anything but doing small bits for the society can give you more happiness than eating Mangoes if you’re diabetic. No seriously, the contestants will always be dubious criminal minded shady people but we have to choose the least shady from them. This has been the trend always and will continue to be in future till Robots take over. Not only you can feel pride and sense of importance, but you can at least have a say in some way rather than sitting at home and cribbing about system. I don’t think I have convinced you but let’s say, do it for showing off to people that you voted. That should convince you.

    Now the question is whom to vote. Good that you asked because this is very important. See, this is India’s General Election (special actually) to select National Government. You’re going to select the people who are going to formulate national and international level policies. Please note that they are not going to fix the road outside your home, no. That’s state government’s job. Union govt. deals with bigger problems. Like taxes and major economic policies which can impact your wallet directly, railways, defence, deciding on next India Pakistan cricket matches, issue of that nonsense 15 kg baggage limit in domestic flights, etc. Now do you want people who ruled us for more than 60 years and gave us ‘Babaji’s Thullu’ by doing less than what they could or those who look more decisive, (better orators?), less family oriented and mildly less corrupt (but surrounded by idiots who want to decide which colour you should wear while going to cinema) or you want people who appeared very honest and refreshing change but totally TRP hungry which means they could have been a great alternative to first two but they turned out to be only couch potato freaks who just make noise and do nothing. The last sentence turned out to be pretty long but you cannot get goodies unless you spend little energy in choosing your leaders who are going to represent your country.

    So go out with your voter ID card (or any other valid document), don’t take your phone with you, reach the polling booth, do the formalities and press the bloody EVM hard so that it beeps and registers your vote like anything.

    I would still go out with you if you at least tried to vote but couldn’t get your name listed in the electoral list. If you don’t want to vote just because everyone is an idiot, just remember that the fight will always between a Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich (South Park reference) so you have to choose one to be counted.

    P.S.: Well, this selfie is a stupid word IMHO. Suicide is also a kind of selfie, right?

  • Seinfeld: The Outing

    Seinfeld: The Outing

    Seinfeld: The Outing

    Minimal Poster: Seinfeld: The Outing

    Made after Supreme Court of India thought of not messing with Article 377 and passing the buck to Parliament.

    You may be as straight as straight can be and non-gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. You have your fundamental rights to do whatever you want to do in your privacy provided that you don’t hurt anybody or yourself. From where should I take out time to be even bothered to be annoyed at someone else’s lifestyle, apart from being jealous, is beyond me.

  • Possible Causes of Rapes in India and How to Avoid Them version 2

    Possible Causes of Rapes in India and How to Avoid Them version 2
    Possible Causes of Rapes in India and How to Avoid Them version 2

    Sources:

    Version 1 here: http://abloquacitylab.wordpress.com/2012/12/22/causes-of-rapes-in-india/

  • Water Cannons vs the drizzle

    Read a tweet in the morning that they’re holding a peace protest at Freedom Park, Bangalore at 4 PM and it will continue till night. I decided to go for it. After lunchtime, I thought of getting ready for it. It started to rain. I thought that it is going to be difficult to travel in rain. The good distance of my place from Freedom Park wasn’t helping either. I thought, let it be, what am I going to change by going there anyways so better chuck it. I planned to sit, watch TV, write some angry tweets and move on.

    Then realized that I have decided not to go because of Rain. Rain? Rain? Suddenly, mind started throwing pics in front of the eyes. The pictures of Water Cannon being unleashed on young kids up there in Delhi in such cold unbearable weather. Felt ashamed of myself. Then made one poster (last post) to depict shame. Coincidentally, a friend (female) SMSed me to come for the Candle Light Vigil at Freedom Park. The quota of shame for myself was done for the day. I stood up and got ready. It continued to rain, but we went there. Many people were there, speaking all sorts of Indian languages but the message they wanted to send across was clear and heartwarming. We people can still be united, however pessimist you may think. It was so windy and drizzling continuously that the candles were hard to handle. Hot wax was, for the first time in life, falling on the hands giving an uneasy irritation. Plus rain. Plus Bangalore traffic mixed with Rain on the way back. Some wax has fallen on to the Shirt and rest on shoes. Will clean it tomorrow.

    Here are some pics from there.

     

    P.S.: 3rd time feeling proud of myself. (After donating blood, attending Anna Hazare Movement and now this) I know nothing is going to change just like that but better to try than to crib. Thank you Kalpana for motivating.

  • Chullu Bhar Paani

    Chullu Bhar Paani

    Ashamed. Sad. Angry.

  • Save the 80s People

    Save the 80s People

    Man! We’re seriously in trouble. We as in people born in the 80s (and 1-2 not-so-smart ones born in the very early 90s). The things which are happening nowadays are totally going out of the hands. Just look around! Everywhere you will see a total devastation, purposefully or naturally directed towards the people born in the 80s. Here are some examples:

    • Old people dying. Not that old people didn’t die earlier but the rate is alarming. This is seriously sad and happening too often lately. All the icons which we idolized all our 20-ish-year-old life are dying. The whole era is ending as if everyone is rushing for some sort of party up there. Is somebody attracting them to come there? Some set of new Menakas in heaven or what?
    • Weddings. Heh. Everyone is irritated because of this social issue and I’m no different. I mean I am an earning, 25+,  unmarried (read available for hush hush general friendship purposes), better looking than many South Indian Lead Actors and a fairly famous man. And being a person with such elusive credentials is criminal. Despite being not-so-famous, so are most of you. I totally know how you feel when every time an old friend pings you and asks ‘When are you getting married dude?’. Nonsense. You go home on holidays, hoping to eat homely food and before you put one helping into your mouth, all your family jumps on you asking you to get married. To top that, Facebook is not helping either. ‘Me and my hubby on honeymoon’ albums have ruined the lives already. I am not going to elaborate on this dire straits situation because I am not that evil.
    • Sachin Tendulkar retiring from ODIs. Now, this is a killer. Whole life is finished with this 1 sentence. What is there left to see on TV now? Who’s name will be chanting now? That straight drive, who is going to hit that Straight Drive down the wicket? Although, lately he used Adidas’s sticker on his bat, but whole life, we craved to get that red MRF sticker on our bats. Although I am a technically sound text-book type cricketer like Sir Rahul Sharad Dravid but even Dravid would have wanted to be Sachin-like. I have been crying to him to retire earlier for obvious reasons that I don’t want any mortal person to raise any finger against him for not performing but when he won’t be there, who will hit that non-stoppable 4 towards extra cover uppishly. Who is going to come out of the crease and hit that 6 down long-on which made Tony Grieg lose his vocal chords in 1998 at Sharjah? You must have read Sidvee’s post so I will leave experts to comment on his career. For me, it is like removing the heart out of my Cricketing body.
    • Government going berserk on young people. Those who were born before India got independence had a cause to fight for. They had the blood that boiled and they finally achieved what they wanted. Those who were born in the 50s knew that country is building so they cooled down a bit. Those who were born in the early 60s didn’t know what was going on, whether to be angry about the government’s stupid policies or to jump into the sea of corruption and make the ‘system’ what it is now. The 70s born finally noticed that the country is not going in the right direction so they did try to do country-building stuff by improving India’s standard on the world map. But till then 50s and 60s people had ruined it so much that they couldn’t change much. Complacency you can say. But then the people of 80s, who have seen Black and White TV and Internet, Cricket in White gears with red cherry to T20s and IPL, Atari Video Games and iPhones, Goldspot to Redbull, have had enough. They have seen the contrasts and the changing world. There are opportunities but they are shadowed by overgrowing corruption, reservation and sadly, molestation. The ‘System’ has been damaged beyond repairable. So people of the 80s stood up against the government to protest. 2006’s medical student’s protests, Anna Movement and on-going protests against Bloody Rapists are good examples. But what do they get? Lathis? These lathicharges and water cannons will only help the 80s people to think and cast their votes appropriately come 2014. We will finally be kaamyaab ek din. Phew.

    There are helplines for Children, why cannot be there any for people of 80s? The whole India wants answers from them, who can they approach at this moment?

    P.S.: Sorry I should have started the post by saying ‘Woman!’. We must respect Womenfolk as well and this mindset cannot change until we start it now!