Hardly Surprising: Thoughts on Bengaluru's Apparent Night of Horror

What else do you expect to happen to a girl (or say girls) surrounded by 1000s of men on road at Midnight?

Do you expect grown up Indian men to behave well in Public? Haha. Seriously?

If you are reading this, and you are a girl, may I ask your expectations from Bangalore? (Or any other city in India for that matter) You thoughts things would be better after 2012 December? You must be living under a rock.

How can people even expect mobs in India to not indulge in unruly behavior? I mean, where were you all these years (since forever). When were we good to women, is all I want to ask? Was it during the time, some RSS folks might argue, before invaders came from up North/West/Central Asia? If yes, that time has passed long back. And I am pretty sure, that even then we were the same. If I can remember, I am sure that Indian men (#YesAllMen) have never sympathized nor empathized with what women face daily. Some people are tweeting incessantly sharing what their friends faces. As if that would help. Nopes. This is not cynical. This is real.

Just because TV News is paying attention to it for 3–4 days, doesn’t mean that it is going to get solved.

And how come Bengaluru is treated as if this is some special part of the country where people are extra mannered and cultured. Hehe, no, Bangalore is same as rest of India. Now at least I can feel, how Delhi people must be feeling.

2 Things A Soldier Needs

In a country like India, where even getting basic amenities is a struggle, there are only 2 things a Soldier, who defends us 24/7, needs.

Just 2 things. Optimism and Motivation.



They need to have that optimism, that whatever their job requires them to do, they should do that with best of their abilities. Their optimism helps them to do the job to fulfill some cause. The cause being safety and well-being of fellow citizens. They are hopeful that when they accomplish their jobs, someone somewhere would feel safer. Someone somewhere would have a place to stay. Someone somewhere would have something to eat. They are hopeful that their effort won’t go in vain. They are hopeful that even if their individual effort isn’t recognized, their leader, their team, their battalion or their country would get something better. Nobody wants to go to war. Nobody signs up with Army to kill someone else in order to win a war. They sign up to defend. But if someone has decided to get signed up, they’re hopeful that their in-charges would attempt their best to avoid confrontation directly or indirectly with another soldier who is hopeful for someone else, just like they are.

Another thing they need is motivation. They don’t get best treatment when it comes to place to stay, climate to work under, infrastructure to work with and even the equipment to work on. So they survive with just motivation. They are able to do what they are supposed to do, just because they have got a motivation. Their fellow soldiers motivate them. Their leader has motivated them. Their families have motivated them. Their country has motivated them*.

*Conditions Apply

There was a news recently of Indian army’s attempt to strike strategically some areas in the Kashmir which is under Pakistan’s occupation. Their sole motive was to destroy the camps which harbor people who keep sending infiltrators and terrorists to the  Indian sides and kill innocents. Army claimed that they achieved their mission successfully and in a way, took revenge of the Uri attacks and also send a signal to the terrorists that enough is enough.

How they did it, when they did it and did they do it actually, is immaterial and for everyone’s safety, should be, and is classified. If you don’t believe in it, your wish. You want to dance and celebrate it, your wish.

Now suppose you don’t believe it, which is fine, but if you question the integrity of the system again and again, what is the message are you sending to the world? That you don’t trust your army? Sure you can hate the government and their policies. But by raising doubts about the very statement which CANNOT be made public because it is a question of severe intelligence compromise, don’t you think you should take a step back? Don’t you think that by discussing the same thing over and over again, on news, on tv, you are not shaking the 2 very beliefs the soldier needs to be able to do their job properly? Don’t you think that more you do this, more the soldier would be forced to think that whatever they do, gets no appreciation, neither monetary, nor financially, so why should they do it honestly in the first place? You can say whatever you want, but isn’t this a basic fundamental duty to not meddle with lives of others, specially those who need soldiers and armies when basically every neighborhood country is at logger heads with us?

Don’t stoop so low, just to satisfy your own ego that you take away the only 2 things a soldier needs to be a soldier: Optimism and Motivation.

Dear Bhakts, we need to talk

Firstly let me break it to you –


She doesn’t exist. Get it? It is just a figure of speech. Alright?

How do you feel when I say that Bharat Mata doesn’t exist? Do you feel blood boiling? Feeling of rage? Urge to punch my face and take out some teeth? Edging towards feeling where you need to… err.. *gulp* behead me? If your answer to any of this is yes, then we need to talk.

Come sit here. Let’s have some fun. Now tell me, do you like this tag: Bhakts? I am guessing No. Normally Bhakt means anyone who is a believer. But this Bhakt means that someone who is a blind believer. So which kind of Bhakt are you? See, you have made this word sound so derogatory.

The one who believes that as a Nation should progress and everyone gets equally benefited? Or you the one who thinks that your… I mean our Savior, the Messiah, the one who can’t be named is the best and whatever is happening in our country is awesomesauce kind of good? If you are latter, then I feel sad for you. (Are you the one who sends all those Whatsapp messages which say that India’s National Anthem is #1 as per UNESCO?)

Of course, all those who voted for the present Union Government are not Bhakts. And those who stereotype everyone who occasionally applauds few rare good things (and probably ignores few really stupid things) are plain ignorant minds who draw their inspiration from parrots who just keep repeating things.

But then there are a lot of actual Bhakts who think their savior is here. And this is as true as Ganpati Idols drinking Milk. Do you know that you are overdoing it now? There is no need to keep reiterating that everyone who doesn’t say Bharat Mata ki Jai is some sort of a criminal and deserves to go to Pakistan or such. NO NEED. You can do fine without doing any of this drama. You needn’t go to everyone and make them shout this slogan. We are not at war against anyone. You are not standing on border with a gun and ready to pounce on the enemies. And you are not encouraging anyone by saying this as if one shouts ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ and everything falls into place and we become a Superpower. Also, WTF is a Superpower? Is it some sort of Divyashakti or Brahmaastra which will give us some edge over others that nobody else has and with it we can rule whole of the Solar System? Seriously. WHY DOES INDIA NEED TO BE A SUPERPOWER? We just need to do things right. Our things right! We just need to be good to everyone around us. And scare off those who scare us by strengthening our bonds. Slogans won’t help immediately. ‘Saare Jahan Se Achcha Hindostan Humara’. How? Other countries are not participating in this, is it? You just do your things right. It should be ‘Saare Jahan mein one of the best Hindostan Humara’. There surely are people in our country who don’t feel the same like you do. But that is OKAY. Happens everywhere, everytime. You can very well state your stance without poking flags into everyone’s face and challenge their views or standard definitions about patriotism. You need to chill. You are not a Nazi. Or favorite word Fascist. Are you? I am not going to lecture, nor I can, that showing patriotism is a matter of one’s choice, circumstances and context and there is absolutely no need to explicitly show off your patriotism. Please show your love for the country when it needs it. During a Sports Tournament when you are in a Stadium. Or when PM visits your middle east country if you happen to be slogging there. Or just do your job right. It doesn’t take that much. Stop making life of normal people awkward. Stop misusing the word patriotism and stop disrespecting the Saffron color by being its sole champion. Nowadays, it becomes more weird to see people coming to you with Saffron band on their head as compared to LinkedIn requests from your neighborhood aunties. You don’t need to do that. You want to show that you love your country, just be a part of M.O.D.I.

And I am not even going to say like everyone has said that “I say Bharat Mata ki Jai  all the time but you are overdoing it”, I will just say that you are making a mockery of yourself and overfeeding the media who loves this crap. I am just going to politely ask you to shut up and do the work assigned to you. Bharat Mata wants you to do that. Thanks.

P.S. I am sure you know that the header pic is a fake?

How to get a Marriage Certificate?

So you want a Marriage Certificate to declare your marriage official? Great. You have come to the right page. Here’s a step by step description that can save you heaps of trouble. Go on:

Certificate is just a piece of paper but...
Certificate is just a piece of paper but…
  1. LET GO OF ALL YOUR EGO. All of it. There should be no trace left of it on your forehead, face, anywhere on your body. Otherwise you can’t do it. Throw your ego as far as you can. Wipe it clean. Delete it. Empty the recycle bin. Shift Delete the recycle bin itself now. Now maybe you are ready, just may be. Doesn’t matter you are a Team Leader with Best Employee award from last 5 years in your company or a best fast bowler in India or winner of best looking baby award in past. You are nobody. Remember this and proceed.
  2. Now decide to get married first. (read: surrender). I know this is a tough thing to decide quickly but it is okay. Nobody cares except you. Just do it. Eventually your body will get old and saggy so why not now? And in case you were eager and desperate yourself from the word go, go for it right away.
  3. Get married formally i.e. get married in front of few people. Peacock danced in the forest but no body watched so what’s the point, they say.
  4. Go to the Magistrate office or local Municipal corporation office. Reach there by 1030 MAX. Although you won’t find any staff there but good to reach before them. If you reach after they have reached, it would mean that you are not serious about getting the certificate. You will be dealt like how Autowalas deal with passengers when they don’t want to go anywhere.
  5. Find out in which room these marriage certifications are made or some point of contact to start the ordeal. The place will have lots of rooms and not all room house the right people. So find out where do you need to be. Don’t waste time.
  6. Once you find the right person, politely ask for the form. The politeness level depends the fate of the day. If you still have some ego left, please flush it down. If you haven’t brought the invitation card, you may be doomed and best is to resign and go to Himalayas. If you have the card without sweets, you must promise that you will bring sweets the next time with an expression of a puppy who just wants a cookie. If you don’t have anything but still want to pursue, don’t lose temper when the officer will throw away your form like you throw away garbage on the streets. This is how they roll. Bend a little more to enhance your body language and show humility.
  7. Get the form filled with utmost care. Get all the documents ready. Leave nothing behind. Bring all your birth, death, childhood, adulthood, financial and social certificates or cards. Memorize your grades in schools. Get couple photographs of your wedding in full attire and one without attire as in normal clothes. The photographs should be in sizes ranging from 3×5 and 4×6 and remember #nofilter.
  8. Once the documents are ready, proceed to the office where someone checks your document. They might be gone for lunch. So just be patient and wait. They’re still at lunch. They will always be in lunch so just wait. Once they appear, pounce on and show them  your documents. Now, they might be intimidating and scary. Don’t lose your cool when they say that you don’t look like the one who got married in the pics. Just smile silently. Once they do all the checks, they might ask priests or witness to testify. This is a normal process and involves a lot of visual insult and verbal patronizing but let it be. Happens yaar. You are not President of India. Chill.
  9. Once documents are verified, submit them to the office and wait. They might ask you again whether you got married properly. Just recite few mantras and shlokas to impress them. Don’t impress too much. Now the officer might wink at you. Wink means Chai-Paani. There is no need to do that. If you do serve Chai-Paani this list is useless. Please go see a doctor. If you want no corruption, just be down to Earth and polite and desperate. Few drops of tears to show your eagerness might help. Who knows. Now the officer will ask you the fee which ranges from Rupees 6 to Rupees 100. Again, if you have some jack, the officer will pay Rs. 6 from his/her own pocket. Otherwise people write a cheque or something and sigh.
  10. Keep waiting till your documents are approved and you get a certificate after few days. If you want it today itself, kindly regret because you don’t have any contacts.

Sigh. So this is the almost exact procedure. I had a contact but I didn’t know the person by face. So I asked one guy whether he knows this contact. He told me to go to some room. He himself was the contact but he never acknowledged. Talk about getting a certificate. All the best.

This is you
This is you

An Ode to ISRO

In a country like India, there are extreme contrasts in status of living. While we have the poshest malls with sleek interiors and shiny billboards, just few hundred meters from there, we can have poverty ridden neighborhoods which lack even basic necessities like water and spaces to live. We have metros swooshing over a bridge and can have families living under the same bridges oblivious to the rush above. We are known to move 4 steps forward and 2 steps backward in even things like common civic sense. Our Prime Minister has to explicitly mention about things like cleanliness and toilets even after almost 7 decades of Independence. I can go on and complain about things which are wrong in our country, but I will stop here.

This post is for the things that work and how!

In a country where people change their utmost important appointments due to some celestial object just transitioning another and thereby blocking our line of view of the latter creating a ‘sootak‘, we also have people who are constantly pushing the boundaries of what Indians (and humans) are capable of.

This is for ISRO.

When first humans set foot on the moon
the whole world moved and began to swoon
we also fluttered a bit while still in infancy
started things of our own, though not so fancy

25 days after that giant leap
a small org in India came into being
we were still young and just getting the hang
we started our own, though not with a big bang

Then PM met scientist Sarabhai, joined hands at par
and ISRO got formed from INCOSPAR
with humble beginnings and challenges that mar
it had to overcome them all and travel very far

You are drastically poor and can’t feed your own people
you still use bullock carts as your national vehicle
what are you going to achieve, they always asked
do tasks to mask your poverty, rather than trying to bask

They said, damn, you don’t need a space programme
It won’t work, it will all be a sham,
Just pray for the rain, you are a country of farmers
Harvest food not ideas, anyways you are just snake charmers


Some people relented and counter-challenged the challenge
They knew that they had it in themselves, ignored the barrage
Motive was not to display our astronomical might
But it was to give wings to the hope and push it to flight

Since ages India has always been keen in astronomy // and also astrology 🙂
it derailed in between but had to again get autonomy
From Zero to Mysore’s rockets, we always had sound minds
Hungry we might have been, but hungry also for other kinds

So it quietly worked and kept breaking new grounds
Sent several satellites and successes kept doing rounds
With every launch, it generates more and more amaze
It always fazes the doubts, but without hoopla or craze

The people there are, are totally unlike celebrities
The things they do, needs precise degree of alacrity
with apron clad gentlemen and saree clad ladies, young and old
they smile they cheer with subtlety, but that’s how they roll

Whatever its motive that time may have been
For me it is clear from what I have seen
it gives us hope that we can do a lot
Nothing is impossible if we have a mission to be sought

From Aryabhatta to MOM, we have come a long way
ISRO’s eyes are set on targets with no chance of sway
it enlightens the hope to overcome and explore
it keeps successes quiet and let its work to do the roar.

Made this small gesture with ideas from Newspace India and Sandy.

ISRO’s Mars orbiter mission, Chandrayaan and Aryabhatta satellites

Well, I just wish to see more of their work to be displayed in schools and colleges, more exhibitions of the achievements, occasional site visits of the launches of the PSLVs, more boastful tweets like Elon Musk does, but I know that won’t happen. They will keep building amazing stuffs with seriousness and calm. But I am sure that they will continue to inspire and give smiles to us.



Update: Came across this interesting video:

Science of Abusing

Ever wondered why most of the abuses which usually everyone (across the world) uses on a daily basis are generally based around females or feminine parts?

For example: A couple of nights ago, I watched a recently released Hindi movie ‘Mardaani’ which is a Hindi word translated to English meaning ‘Masculine’. The protagonist is a female police officer and it’s about girl child trafficking who’s kingpin eventually gets busted by the lady officer. The most commonly used abuse in the movie, produced by someone who usually make lovey dovey movies, to make it look more ‘realistic’ is ‘Chutiya’ and its variants. This word, which is not even considered an abuse at many places in India, literally means someone who has female genital. So, in short, the movie which has a masculine name to show that the protagonist is a fearless and brave woman (like men usually are) uses the word which in itself derogatory for women (meaning weak and fragile like womenfolk usually are). According to many people, that is.

Almost every abuse you come across has to do something with a female. Even if a guy is a total sonofabitch, it’s his mother’s mistake apparently or politely you may say upbringing and that is solely mother’s responsibility because men don’t. If a guy does something ordinary or extra-ordinary or does nothing at all, people react usually by congratulating the sister. And surprisingly not only men use these abuses, many females use them as well. It is similar to showing off oneself as cool by smoking a cigarette. Now since prices have increased, only other way to show coolness is by abusing.

I was meaning to understand the logic behind this human tradition. Just putting up some questions without answers in this post:

  • Is it just a ploy to keep them under the thumb forever by keep making them feel inferior?
  • Is it just a way to make men feel guilty of their existence if they do anything remotely feminine, say crying?
  • Do people feel relieved after they abuse? Personally, only to a certain extent but never fully satisfied. Because probably I like to punch instead of abuse. But you cannot punch yourself always after a certain number of times, no?
  • Is it part of human genome to abuse to let go of stress? If yes, why not abuse a stone? Why only concentrate hatred on women?
  • What did women do to become a favorite in the abuse business? Who decided these rules of society where women cannot do certain things (Like burping (Remember Queen?))? And if they do, all hells break loose.
  • Calling a man a woman or a donkey or whatever, how does that matter?
  • What is the science behind it?
  • Why do people laugh when they hear abuses? It is not as taboo as other things. It doesn’t require much of an effort.

And so on…

Going to vote baby!

I can’t promise to not put up a candid inked selfie of my index finger after I vote tomorrow. It has been such a long time I last voted, in 2009 twice and both the times, the people for whom I voted, lost. Well, voting is the least I can do to contribute something to the country, if not pollution, population and generally dissing the system. And I am excited about voting. (baby!)

Everyone wants to believe that they’re important. Everyone wants to express and believe that people listen to them. That’s why we post status messages on Facebook and Tweet about what are eating for dinner. But when it comes to expressing about who they want to see as their political leader, you are bombarded with aggressive replies, showered with cynicism and painted some-tard by the others and occasional shoe hurlings DUCK!. I will try with this post to ruffle your hair with love and affection and ask you to please vote this time to make you feel important. If you want, I will accompany you to a pub too, if that helps (but I won’t drink and you will pay for my nachos at least).

People need to understand how important is it to vote, and donate blood and I want to push you to do both. If you are anaemic then just vote. I know that you’re thinking that voting and blood donation is almost the same thing although the latter is voluntary. Personally speaking from my life experience, I never forced anyone to do anything but I suggest you to try voting. I don’t even request anyone to do anything but doing small bits for the society can give you more happiness than eating Mangoes if you’re diabetic. No seriously, the contestants will always be dubious criminal minded shady people but we have to choose the least shady from them. This has been the trend always and will continue to be in future till Robots take over. Not only you can feel pride and sense of importance, but you can at least have a say in some way rather than sitting at home and cribbing about system. I don’t think I have convinced you but let’s say, do it for showing off to people that you voted. That should convince you.

Now the question is whom to vote. Good that you asked because this is very important. See, this is India’s General Election (special actually) to select National Government. You’re going to select the people who are going to formulate national and international level policies. Please note that they are not going to fix the road outside your home, no. That’s state government’s job. Union govt. deals with bigger problems. Like taxes and major economic policies which can impact your wallet directly, railways, defence, deciding on next India Pakistan cricket matches, issue of that nonsense 15 kg baggage limit in domestic flights, etc. Now do you want people who ruled us for more than 60 years and gave us ‘Babaji’s Thullu’ by doing less than what they could or those who look more decisive, (better orators?), less family oriented and mildly less corrupt (but surrounded by idiots who want to decide which colour you should wear while going to cinema) or you want people who appeared very honest and refreshing change but totally TRP hungry which means they could have been a great alternative to first two but they turned out to be only couch potato freaks who just make noise and do nothing. The last sentence turned out to be pretty long but you cannot get goodies unless you spend little energy in choosing your leaders who are going to represent your country.

So go out with your voter ID card (or any other valid document), don’t take your phone with you, reach the polling booth, do the formalities and press the bloody EVM hard so that it beeps and registers your vote like anything.

I would still go out with you if you at least tried to vote but couldn’t get your name listed in the electoral list. If you don’t want to vote just because everyone is an idiot, just remember that the fight will always between a Giant Douche and Turd Sandwich (South Park reference) so you have to choose one to be counted.

P.S.: Well, this selfie is a stupid word IMHO. Suicide is also a kind of selfie, right?