experiences – Page 17 – Abhinav Bhatt

How to get a Marriage Certificate?

So you want a Marriage Certificate to declare your marriage official? Great. You have come to the right page. Here’s a step by step description that can save you heaps of trouble. Go on:

Certificate is just a piece of paper but... — Certificate is just a piece of paper but…

LET GO OF ALL YOUR EGO. All of it. There should be no trace left of it on your forehead, face, anywhere on your body. Otherwise you can’t do it. Throw your ego as far as you can. Wipe it clean. Delete it. Empty the recycle bin. Shift Delete the recycle bin itself now. Now maybe you are ready, just may be. Doesn’t matter you are a Team Leader with Best Employee award from last 5 years in your company or a best fast bowler in India or winner of best looking baby award in past. You are nobody. Remember this and proceed.
Now decide to get married first. (read: surrender). I know this is a tough thing to decide quickly but it is okay. Nobody cares except you. Just do it. Eventually your body will get old and saggy so why not now? And in case you were eager and desperate yourself from the word go, go for it right away.
Get married formally i.e. get married in front of few people. Peacock danced in the forest but no body watched so what’s the point, they say.
Go to the Magistrate office or local Municipal corporation office. Reach there by 1030 MAX. Although you won’t find any staff there but good to reach before them. If you reach after they have reached, it would mean that you are not serious about getting the certificate. You will be dealt like how Autowalas deal with passengers when they don’t want to go anywhere.
Find out in which room these marriage certifications are made or some point of contact to start the ordeal. The place will have lots of rooms and not all room house the right people. So find out where do you need to be. Don’t waste time.
Once you find the right person, politely ask for the form. The politeness level depends the fate of the day. If you still have some ego left, please flush it down. If you haven’t brought the invitation card, you may be doomed and best is to resign and go to Himalayas. If you have the card without sweets, you must promise that you will bring sweets the next time with an expression of a puppy who just wants a cookie. If you don’t have anything but still want to pursue, don’t lose temper when the officer will throw away your form like you throw away garbage on the streets. This is how they roll. Bend a little more to enhance your body language and show humility.
Get the form filled with utmost care. Get all the documents ready. Leave nothing behind. Bring all your birth, death, childhood, adulthood, financial and social certificates or cards. Memorize your grades in schools. Get couple photographs of your wedding in full attire and one without attire as in normal clothes. The photographs should be in sizes ranging from 3×5 and 4×6 and remember #nofilter.
Once the documents are ready, proceed to the office where someone checks your document. They might be gone for lunch. So just be patient and wait. They’re still at lunch. They will always be in lunch so just wait. Once they appear, pounce on and show them your documents. Now, they might be intimidating and scary. Don’t lose your cool when they say that you don’t look like the one who got married in the pics. Just smile silently. Once they do all the checks, they might ask priests or witness to testify. This is a normal process and involves a lot of visual insult and verbal patronizing but let it be. Happens yaar. You are not President of India. Chill.
Once documents are verified, submit them to the office and wait. They might ask you again whether you got married properly. Just recite few mantras and shlokas to impress them. Don’t impress too much. Now the officer might wink at you. Wink means Chai-Paani. There is no need to do that. If you do serve Chai-Paani this list is useless. Please go see a doctor. If you want no corruption, just be down to Earth and polite and desperate. Few drops of tears to show your eagerness might help. Who knows. Now the officer will ask you the fee which ranges from Rupees 6 to Rupees 100. Again, if you have some jack, the officer will pay Rs. 6 from his/her own pocket. Otherwise people write a cheque or something and sigh.
Keep waiting till your documents are approved and you get a certificate after few days. If you want it today itself, kindly regret because you don’t have any contacts.

Sigh. So this is the almost exact procedure. I had a contact but I didn’t know the person by face. So I asked one guy whether he knows this contact. He told me to go to some room. He himself was the contact but he never acknowledged. Talk about getting a certificate. All the best.

From Yeh Desh Hai Veer Jawano ka to Indian Tequila!

What is going on? – Me, Throughout January 2016

Well kids, if you keep running away from something for some time, always remember that, if you get caught, they take a full beating (plus bonus frustration beating) on you. I am one of those who was elegantly avoiding answering the question which is everyone’s (parents and friends and everyone around) favorite question for you once you cross a holy age of 21 with much grace and poise and a couple of hiccups. And suppose you successfully keep ducking the question till you are nearing 30, you should stay rest assured that the intensity and barrage of questions will enormously increase manifolds and the only option for you is to consider the fate and surrender. There is no point further delaying it unless you want to pursue politics or puns.

Phew, it is finally done and over with. The ceremony. And stuff. They were quite swift as in Ceremonies started officially around 3.30 PM in the afternoon and ended officially around 9 AM the next day. Pretty fast, no? NO. In between, I had to change clothes 4 times including wearing Dhotis which are lovely and airy. Highly recommended though not in winters. I also got to ride a Ghodi (mare; female horse) which decided to pee, while I was sitting on it when we were about to reach the destination. It didn’t do any harm but ladies around it had to save their lehngas and sarees from the projectile of drops bouncing off the road and traveling towards them.We reached late by 20-25 minutes because people like to dance and dance and dance a little more. Apparently! And then for some strange maths equations reasons, I had to sit in an awkward position inside a wooden tokri (basket) for 2 hours or so. There is no point further delving into those super fun hours (!) so just understand that it took about 17 or so hours for me to change my status.

And then those joyful hours of smiling with people on stage, ah what fun when your teeth have to be at the full display like a toothpaste advertisement. Further, into the night, I also had to take 20-22 rounds around the fire because normal people are content in 7 and we are not those minions. We make sure we cover rituals of the whole of India from Tamil to Punjab, including Rajasthan, Gujarat, UP, MP, Maharashtra, Bengal, and Andhra. Why? Probably because we must make the rituals as long and be tiring as possible so as to warn the couple that it is stupid to break the vow. Otherwise, they must go through these rituals again. And nobody would like that.

The fun part: The event wasn’t foolproof. Apparently, whatever gifts were coming towards my way, they got stolen by kids not more than 12 years of age right in front of everyone’s back and wide open eyes of CCTV Cameras. No sign of either the money or the kids till now. Memorable, right?

Anyways, everyone enjoyed the event and the food. Nobody got hurt and nobody’s foofa/mausa/tau made any fuss.

P.S.: I am yet to change my Display Pic and Relationship Status on Facebook so everything written above, is effectively farce, if you ask me.

Continue reading “From Yeh Desh Hai Veer Jawano ka to Indian Tequila!”

One year of being 99%* Nihilist

So today is 16th December 2015. One year since that tragedy occurred in a school in Peshawar, Pakistan. The tragedy which, as a matter of fact, approved my belief in non-believing in some beliefs which I believed in earlier. Also, the same day when that Delhi Rape Case happened in 2012. So reaffirmation happens on 16th December day it seems.

Anyways, as the year draws to a close, I embark on this space again to jot down some events/experiences/thoughts from the year 2015.

I had an opportunity to visit Hampi in Northern Karnataka earlier this year. I wanted to write a full-length tour diary but then it would have been apt to write it in Hebrew, considering how Israel has taken over it unofficially, I ended up just uploading few pics on 500px, Flickr, and Instagram. Although, it was quite an experience in History. Also, it was unintentionally funny as I saw things written in Hebrew on a Poster of Lord Hanuman. There was no English, Hindi or Kannada on it, which was perplexing, to say the least. And it turned out to be a laundry shop. I should have paid attention to the washing machine on the right.
Hampi
After a hiccup on Social Media, when I tweeted something which got my name published in a newspaper, in full detail, all details being taken from LinkedIn, this time for a negative reason, I had to change few stuffs online in order be safe than sorry. That included username. If you have a username which has been with you for more than a decade, it becomes personal. So letting that go is slightly uncomfortable. Uncomfortable feeling like buying something you like to relish, but it falls on the ground. But you can’t eat it because there are people around. (Of course, you would have eaten in solitude). But things happen, and we learn. And what we learn, is the 2nd point.
Growing up, reading literature, watching movies and in usual storytelling, we are generally told about how evil the political class is. And how honest media-persons are. It took some time but finally realized this year that the media, is not as milk-washed and honest, one would have liked to believe… Blowing things out of proportions, taking things out of context and presenting them as totally different, sensationalism, creating adverse environments, biasing, etc. are some of the traits which always hung around them but this year helped in understanding this more clearly that they keep indulging in these things as it was not a big deal.
So I overcame this weird predicament of not having the access to pure unbiased news and reportage, I started writing my own news for my own happiness. If they can make things up, why can’t I! Obviously, it draws huge inspiration from likes of The Onion, Crank News and life in general. Thinking of using that space on Medium (which is turning out to be just right for a blogging platform) more in 2016 when I take another major step in this joke called Life.
Talking about joke called Life, few things happened in life which people call Life Changing. But I reacted to them like a nihilist should. Which is to act like it doesn’t matter and just chillax, if I may. Also, I completed a huge milestone in life, which is a transition from youth to professional Uncle age. This transition, however, depends on the age you consider based on your own mindset. Now being an Uncle, I promise to never throw back the ball which comes into my living room, from the kids playing in the street. The sad part is that kids don’t play on the streets anymore.
Being a part of 22 Whatsapp groups (and numbers are on the rise as we speak), I am planning to go Lorne Malvo to all of them. I don’t understand the need of sharing jokes anymore. And being an Uncle, I don’t find those jokes funny. If you want to make me laugh, you have to try harder. This is 2015 ending and some people are still trying to be funny. Please don’t. I have stopped trying to be funny and believe me, it works. Also, I somehow can’t handle typing on touch phones while lying down. My phone fell number of times on my nose than Rupee falling against Dollar on the usual basis.

A word or two about the new year

The new year is going to bring more changes than one can imagine to my life and this can lead to anything including unexpected social behavior. I’ll try to be as close to staying whom I am at the moment, but who knows what happens. Hopefully, it will turn out to be good. Otherwise, who cares!

* 99% – Because even the best disinfectants kill only 99% germs.

Featured Photo by Matthew Brodeur on Unsplash

Why your political view is The Best or please spare me!

It takes a huge change of heart to accept your mistakes. You seldom come across people who can admit that they were wrong. I am not that person, generally. The secret of success according to my best-selling-if-published book of ‘How to be successful without doing much?’ is that you never admit you are wrong but successfully pass the blame on someone else.

But today is your lucky day, bro! Today, I am going to remove the spider webs on this abandoned blog place and admit that I’m mostly wrong.

I am wrong about my political alignments and religious beliefs. And you are right. Exactly, I concede that it was so stupid of me to believe something, which was totally off the course, wrong by a 1000 miles, incorrect by infinity on the negative side of iota and so on. I debated with some of you occasionally on some topics which were clearly wrong to begin with. I’m sure you already knew that I was putting forward my points (mostly illogical but a couple of them logical as well but clearly logical were way less than illogical) just for the sake of debating. Yes, the person for whom I voted in elections, won’t do anything good at all. I thought while voting, one should be optimistic, but that is clearly the wrong thing to be. Optimism should be banned totally. Or wait, I might be wrong in asking for ban. Alright, you are the final word in being right in whatever you choose about optimism. When I rooted for one guy in the capital that he would be the revolutionary, we have all been waiting for. I was wrong again. Revolutionary? What is that in this age? Now when that guy turned out to be anything but revolutionary, I started believing that I was wrong earlier, but my wrong was wronged again because I was not only wrong initially but I am also currently wrong about the original wrong. That means, that guy is indeed revolutionary and I am again wrong to believe that he is not. So stupid of me, of course. Also, it was wrong of me to believe that judiciary is far and justice prevails. Of course, it prevails but only in those case when I say that justice hasn’t been done. Are you getting it?

Now, it is worthwhile to also admit that my religious beliefs are wrong. And yours are totally spot on. I mean it is wrong of me to assume that there is no destiny and only your efforts (multiply by some constant and environmental factors and probability of occurrence and a thing called chance) factor eventually. Of course I am totally wrong again. If your religious beliefs say that things happen this way or that, you are right. I am also wrong to believe that God (I could be wrong and there might or might not be a God in fact) doesn’t care about my life because there are better things to worry about, so there is no need to pray and being selfish. But again, I am wrong. God (who can never be wrong), might actually have a plan perfectly laid out about my (and yours) life and if I recite some prayers, that God might uncheck some of the privileges from my life. Totally possible. So I would again concede my incorrect assumptions. Your belief and your God (sorry, our God), is the best and you are perfectly correct. We should all follow your definitions henceforth.

So from now on, please spare me with the gyaan about how wrong I am. I myself admitted that. Your belief and point of view is totally correct and I would follow that religiously from now on. Even if sometimes I might make sense, but let’s chuck that, you are right in the end. Let’s follow whatever you say.

I would conclude by saying (wrongly) that “I can agree with you, but then we both would be wrong” and then turn around and wink at the camera.

Axe and Tree

There was once a confident but a fruitless tree
it kept swaying lightly, often with glee
Leaves were scanty and shade was small
Still it could give relief to one and all
Filtered the sunlight and made Sun more soothing
Travelers could take shelter and indulge in snoozing
Branches were short but when it rained
you could wait there, it didn’t much pain.

Tree wasn’t exceptional as it did what all others did too
It’s the basic job of the tree to see everyone through
It started boasting occasionally and carry an ego of its own
Trees around liked it anyways, for it, they had themselves sown
The ego however was growing more like a balloon
It had started to believe that it deserved much more swoon
But they wanted the tree to be more useful in another way
They wanted it to be eventually furniture-d away.

It’s the fate of the tree to be used for making a table
If you can’t give flowers, be a chair, it’s in the fable
But it had now become selfish and also quite stubborn
And acted like it could lead life on its own terms
Although, it was aware of its size and visible shortcomings
It still acted casual and was conscious of the jeers forthcoming
With time, gleaming leaves started falling, it started to concur
Other trees started showed anger, it’s time, stop being a wanker.

This poem is not at all related to the Biblical Luke 13:6
which talks of a non-fruitful tree which had gotten into Jesus’ fix
Destined it is though, that the tree had to eventually give in
It said you can cut one one branch at a time and let it sink in
They agreed and called a Lumberjack to do the due
Tree didn’t know of how much pain the Axe will spew
So an axe falls, other trees rejoice and a branch dismembers
Time goes on, we live and die, the axe forgets but the tree remembers…

Shoot The Messenger

“Ravana started this auspicious tradition when Hanuman came to his court”.

— Bruce (@GhantaGuy) March 5, 2015

Circa 326 BC.

One of the BSFOKP (Border Security Force of King Porus of Punjab) soldier saw a huge army marching towards them. It was an usual scene to have thousands of armed Europeans in a pugnacious mood coming towards their holy land. Without wasting time, he got off from his post and ran to tell his seniors about the imminent attack. The seniors brushed him off as lunatic and asked him to get his eyes checked. However, the senior was a smart man as he thought if the soldier was right, and if he himself tell the army chief about it, he might get some raise in salary from the King himself. Taking pride in knowing the exclusive news, he went to the Army Chief, coincidentally, the chief was having a chit chat with King while strolling around. With a bit of hesitation, he told them about the news of an army approaching them so it was only wise to start preparing for defense and if possible, preemptive offense to surprise them. King laughed at such presumption and told him ‘Fool, Europeans won’t attack us! We have good relations with the travelers from their land. How dare you broke the peaceful stroll we were taking! Dear Army chief, kindly do the honor of killing this nincompoop right away for bringing this stupid news’. And the army chief instantly, drew his sword and killed the messenger.

After some centuries, around 700s, similar message was brought to the erstwhile ruler of Delhi that some folks from central Asia were planning to loot and plunder us. Again, the messenger was dealt with force and was sent to be fed to a Lion.

Again after few more centuries, some European sailors reached India’s west coast and fooled the natives. Those who warned the then rulers about probable wrong intentions of the sailors were either killed off or declared mentally ill.

Basically, we have always had the tradition of killing the messenger and ignoring the facts which stare at us. Starting from Ravana trying to set Hanuman on fire, as tweeted by @GhantaGuy in response to my tweet.

Obviously, I am not serious about the above incidents, however, I am pretty serious about the following. Our traditions of shooting the messenger will be catastrophic I feel. Just yesterday, the BBC Documentary, was aired in UK and then uploaded on Youtube today morning. While the govt. of India has ‘advised’ news channels in India to not to show it, because it was made, ‘illegally’. Ok, let us believe that government believes that the documentary should have been made with proper permissions and it could have been shown to the ‘censor board’ before broadcasting.

But, what is the bigger and important issue here. Rapes. And not how the accused was interviewed. Yes, making a film illegally is bad and almost criminal, but we can deal with it later too, no? Now, when the YouTube link has been shared wide and across, can you stop people from watching it? Apart from being a Pakistan or North Korea, you cannot bring down YouTube. So, your cause is anyways lost dear Govt.

Coming back to the original issue. The Documentary is well made, although it just relives the same thing, which was told in Late 2012 and next few months of next year. The documentary also shows the point of views of the lawyers who are more sick then the perpetrators. So, larger issue was the mindset we as a society have. The rape did happen in India, so we have to take it with a pinch of salt. No, it doesn’t paint all Indian men with same brush. But that brush is quite big and it does leave stains on almost everyone of us in the society. So, what’s wrong in that? When you can blame all muslims for terror, all Hindus for dowry/casteism, etc, if Men in India face ire of the world as being a rapist, we cannot get away with that easily. Of course, rape happens in other countries too, but we cannot get away from the brutality of this case and we have to bear a bit of brunt.

Sorry OpIndia (http://www.opindia.com/2015/03/the-legal-violations-by-the-indias-daughter-documentary/) and Arnab Goswami, Nirbhaya or whatever you call her, isn’t insulted with this ‘illegal’ documentary but rather when the major issue gets sidelined with petty issues like worrying about the technicalities of the documentary.

In my humble and honest opinion, I feel, our problem, as a country, has been, since time immemorial, that we like to shoot the messenger instead of understanding the problem, the messenger has conveyed. And this has time and again happened. Banning doesn’t solve anything. The need to ban stuff needs to be taken care of.

I guess, we can take this opportunity to learn from this documentary and try to improve our personal mindsets. Not all are guilty but contemplating about what is wrong in our society, even if told by a foreigner, will do only good. Those who think that a girl asks for it, think again, no?

P.S.: And what nonsense is calling the girl ‘Nirbhaya’. She has a name dammit.

Take offence, but politely

If I might, let me throw some light, from my side on this issue on our mind, far and wide, You may or may not take my bite into your stride, however I may add, this fad, kind of bad, is here to stay anyways till we realize that mostly all kinds of freedoms, come with a price. Nice? Read on but if you are looking for any surprise, there is none but you are already wise. This is about Freedom of Expression, an Utopian feeling which always stays in contention. While we act all up for that ‘FoE’ but it makes people less friendly and more our foe. Most of us, are anyways hypocritical and thus, we want our liberty all the while, while we ourselves stay in denial. That all is well and we shall raise our voice, as long as our havens stay safe and our steps have poise. The jokes you laugh at and you laugh at quite a few, work only when they are not on you. Your tantrums are pretty well known, you get offended on calling you anything, now please don’t moan or groan as you look to me as a person who is a grown up. Any joke made in haste, are often not in a good taste, but waste is your opinion or any reason on it, as someone else is getting splits because of it or may be even fits, if it fits.

Here’s my take on Freedom of Speech:

If you decide to create some content (in any form be it written, spoken or drawn) which doesn’t coincide with the usual[1] norms of the society, you are bound to get applause as well as hate. There will be many who will praise your ‘crossing the boundary’ and ‘pushing and kicking the envelope’. There will be many who won’t like it. You may claim that it is your freedom of speech and right to express (be it crass, vulgar and downright abusive or wonderfully created satire with wit and bit of double entendre which many aren’t capable of because it requires more effort). Now when you have right to express something (and serve it as comedy? Heh it is not funny though), you should expect retaliation and criticism of your work. It should[2] range from straight faced ridicule of the content and call it non-funny and not-so-awesome-as-people-claim to laughing it off as totally nonsense and in some cases getting very angry over it being non-funny and not-so-awesome-as-people-claim. This Anger[3] can sometime lead to people lodging complaints against you using the democratic way of using some Indian Penal Code law citing that your content hurt their feelings. Or, more importantly, it was not suitable to be shown in public. But, there will be a fringe group[4] which think they are beyond law and take it as their utmost duty to silence the creator by use of fear and may be violence.

While I am 100% totally against these fringe moral brigade who think this is damaging our culture[5], the other non-violent people who got offended have full right to be offended and lodge a complaint with the police. Now here comes the question of whether they are so offended that they got up, went to a police station and actually complained because someone created some content which they didn’t like. Unfortunately, we people do have such people. And they are in plenty. Their LinkedIn bio boasts of skills like Joblessness, Ability to take offense at almost anything, knowledge of IPC laws (appreciable) and free time.

So when you create something and people get offended, you should STAND UP FOR YOUR RIGHT TO SAY STUFF and not delete the content out of fear while you yourself admit that nobody threatened you. If you are shutting down shop without giving a fight to the people who take your stuff to heart (and possibly to their grave or pyre), what is the point of pushing the envelope? Was that just a way to get quick publicity and establish brand name? The brand name which creates less intelligent stuff (some stuff is really very witty and definitely more intelligent than I can ever make) and more of crass, cuss word usage which can make you popular faster as compared to the other harder way for making it to the top by pure satire.

Then there are people who condescend you since you didn’t like the Roast. Well, to be fair to them, I need not waste any space of this blog, except this line, on them. 😛

One more thing… I want Freedom of Speech to be Absolute. But it is not possible. You cannot ever have consensus on everything, all the time. I am not being pessimistic, I am being realistic. In a country like ours which is so divided on so many lines, circles and triangles, it is next to impossible to agree on everything. The laws which currently exist, do exist because govt. can only be preventive. It cannot ensure your safety from violence all the time. This is a fact and you should know it. Plus, I also believe that our society is evolving, getting more open minded and it will surely be able to be more tolerant. Still, even after hundreds of years from now, someone somewhere will continue to feel bad because of you. If not anything, sometimes people’s faces or dressing styles can be offensive. Like someone getting their name’s embroidery all over their suit. So offensive I tell you. There is certainly a scope of getting our laws fairer. And making them more understandable and less fearful for cases like FoE. But I reiterate, the laws are for preventing bad things to happen. And if I recount human history, people have got offended usually on the basis of speeches and waged wars and what not.

That is all.

[1] Usual here means what most people are comfortable with and have accepted as normal. This again depends on context, place and mood.

[2] But in realistic scenario, it isn’t.

[3] We have a huge population so people who get angry in our country are in huge numbers as well.

[4] Totally jobless idiotic guys with no sense of humor at all. Not even sense of humor, but no respect to the law and order situation, or respect to anyone’s human right. Totally unwanted scum of the Earth and fully deserving to be sent to Kalapani for their whole life where they could mate with each other and overpopulate the islands and die of starvation. Or become Zombies, whatever and get extinct.

[5] Doesn’t exist. Please go and find a different country.

P.S: I am not at all fond of AIB sort of comedy. I find those guys ugly. Of course they are funny but I cannot watch them or hear them, in fear of getting totally bored. May be this is my confirmation bias speaking against them. But that’s how it works, right!

P.S.S: I got so much bored of this issue that I wrote another useless rhyme: http://toomuchgraphic.tumblr.com/post/109964186359/a-good-rhyme-nay