Abhinav Bhatt

The new JEE

Not just Sherlock Holmes, but we all think and react in subtitles, citations and labels. I mean whenever we meet someone, we draw conclusions (or rather our hypothesis) out of the people, first, by their physical appearances, and then by their voice and lastly by their names. Tool-tips emerge from all the places possible from the person we’re interacting with which enables to us make an impression of that person in our mind. No? Try imagining at least for author’s sake. Now this mental picture of stereotyping was pretty fine and fairly accurate till the time we decided to jot them down, in our so-called religious text and named the Chapter as ‘The Classification of People’. In India, we conveniently call it ‘The Caste System’. Basically, the Hindus were divided into 4 classes, namely:

Brahmins
Kshtriyas
Vaishyas
Shudras

Of course the list is in order of their decreasing importance in status. Now I am not going into their history and its pros and cons. There have been disastrously long debates over need of reservations and all that. But just recently, I came across one Twitpic which showed ‘some’ people in a ‘certain’ city were following a weird filter to allow only Brahmins to buy property. There are societies everywhere who want to have people of a certain castes living as neighbors. Totally thumbs up, yo!

Unlike other bloggers and intellectual people, I am not here to show my outrage against this, for the record I find this as narrow minded as rivers of Rajasthan during summers. Rather, I am here to help people discriminate others in a better and systematic way on the basis of their color, religion, caste, creed or sex, etc. which we had studied in Civics. Yep, you read correctly, I am here to help people differentiate people.

So it has come to my notice that people are not able to differentiate people properly. People can judge others instantly but not always they’re right. You can get a lot if you get to know a person’s name. The mind traverses the binary tree of your whole khandaan instantly after your name is fully heard. Here’s an example.

If you hear the name, you first think about the surname. North Indian, South Indian, East Indian or West Indian. Now suppose the person has a name which is less than 20 characters. Then, the person surely is from North. If the person has all the gods name in their name, South Indian. Now, the person could be amongst BKV or S (caste-wise). Ok, Brahmin. Which kind of brahmin? Because, yes, there are millions of kinds of Brahmins. Heh, and all think that they are superior brahmins than the other. OK, you are superior, fine. What’s your Gotra now? Ooh, you don’t know? Tch. There are millions of Gotras too which further classify the kind of Brahmins. I am sure, this has something to do with structure of Universe and Atom. First you are a Brahmin, then, Vaishnav Brahmin, then Bharadwaj Gotra, then some Sub Gotra A, then Sub Sub Gotra B and so on, just like Galaxy, Solay System, Planets, Atoms, Nucleus, mesons, quarks, etc. Posh, totally. So if you planning to fall in love, make sure the person you are going to like falls in your caste. Another point, just the caste should be same, not the gotras. If Gotras are same, your young ones might be born with super human capabilities or x-men types nature. If you are planning to give house on rent, make sure the new tenants are of your same caste, otherwise whole vastu can conspire to bring your name down in the society. Make sure, when you go to a restaurant, the cook who has prepared food for you is of your same caste too. The chicken you have ordered, should be born and brought up in the house of the person of the same caste. And even the chicken itself should be of same caste, gotra optional.

But sadly, many young people don’t know all this. Blame it on their school or Facebook. They have totally absurd perception about castes and sects. Like in Western-Central and Southern India, some people generally believe that if a person doesn’t want onion in their food, they are asking for Jain food. Utterly wrong. I am not a Jain, I kill insects. But still I am a vegetarian and don’t want onion and garlic in my food, officially. While, many Jains I know have onion and garlic compulsorily in their diet. Will they go to hell? Time will tell.

So I have come up with an idea of Entrance Test. Entrance Exam for Castes. We can call it JEE only. ‘Jaatpaat Entrance Examination’ or ‘Jaathpaath Entrance Examination’ to make South Indian people understand. This should be a written test and only if one is able to score 75%, then only one should be allowed to called a certain caste person. After passing the written test, one might go for further verbal session where you have to display your mettle verbally too. Suppose you are a Brahmin and you are Yagyopaveet (thread) wearing one, you have to show all the kreeyas which you are supposed to do. There are many kreeyas but most popular ones are Early morning, brahma muhurat one and one sandhya vandan. If you are not doing this, your brahmin title can be relinquished. Now, suppose you are a lower caste person and want to upgrade your caste. Well buddy, that is not possible in this birth but unofficially, you can pwn the upper caste person by using the magic wand called as Reservation for SC/ST and OBC. That helps and you can use the same wand for your kids, even if you don’t need it financially but who cares, caste is important.

For those, who want to capitalize on this and open coaching centers, please contact me. I have many people around who excel in telling the religion and castes of people just by looking at their shoes or nails if the person is not wearing any shoes. Also, thinking of creating a startup who supports IVR which helps people in determining each other’s caste before getting into a phone based Long Distance Relationship.

And oh, what is your caste anyways? If you are not eligible, I demand you to unread this blog now itself.

https://www.quora.com/Indian-Caste-System/What-is-the-Indian-caste-system-How-does-it-work

Indian Comics Superheroes Minimal Posters

Made some minimal posters for Indian Comics Superheroes from Raj Comics because of this

Minimal Hollywood Posters – Second Edition

Minimal Hollywood Posters – First Edition

Batua

जेब छोटी थी, बटुआ बड़ा। बड़ा भाई रखता था तोह मेरी भी इच्छा होती थी। एक दिन मैं अपने दादा जी के पास गया। बोला कि मेरे बटुए मैं पैसे नहीं हैं, भाई के तोह पास बहुत सारे हैं। उन्होंने हंस के 10 का नोट दे दिया। मैंने वोह 10 का नोट, संभाल के पर्स की सबसे अन्दर वाली जेब में रख दिया।

वक़्त बीता, मैं कमाने लग गया । बटुआ अभी भी वही था।

आज सोचा कि नया बटुआ लूं। पुराने को यहीं कहीं किसी कोने में डालने ही वाला था की ध्यान आया कि उसके अन्दर एक 10 का नोट पड़ा हुआ है। आज दादाजी नहीं हैं। नोट को देखने की हिम्मत नहीं हुई और अब बटुआ पड़ा हुआ है अलमारी की अन्दर। सुरक्षित।

P.S.: Inspired by https://twitter.com/angrykopite/status/301390756751482881

An Open Letter to Humans from God

Ssup AB and ssup ma homies! \m/

So duude, new jwob and all! Howzzat? Any interestwing colleague there, haan? Haan? *nudge* Hehe. Wait, let me chlear my throat.. *spitting out Paan Bahar Crystal*

Ah yes, so how is our Planet Earth mate? Nature-wise looks okayish to me. Oh of course, you people have tried to act Godly by changing its face from some places but its okay. It is going to take me only few whistles and claps to clean up that mess. Well dude, I am writing this letter to humanity after a long time since I interacted with them. Last time we talked when I had said that I won’t be playing ODIs anymore. But my issue of outrage is slightly older. Please pardon my French but I am effing angry. Angry since last thousands of years or so. Bro, even before your greatest grandfathers were even born, I had given you a religion already called Science. Looks like some of your folks became atheist after you got bored with Science. Fools I say. Anyways, it is my mistake only. I should have interrupted earlier but then I thought, who cares man! Like cute Dinosaurs got wiped off, you people will drown or burn up too eventually but heh, you want to do it yourself only. Dei! Heh, sorry, I learnt that ‘Dei’ thingy from Twitter. Chalo, you forgot Science is okay but what’s this shit of worshiping me and all? Agreed, that I am God and I created all this life and all levels in this but what you think, by worshiping me, you will get a 1Up in this life itself aa? Mark my words, YOLO. True story.

Fellas, I had shared some text messages with you, if you remember. Oh of course you do, you scoundrels! Yeah you may call them your holy books, I don’t give a damn ’bout it. Now tell me, where had I written in that that you can make your own interpretations out of it? What I meant was crystal clear that the sole motive of your existence on this planet is to help your fellow homies. You wanted to develop, I allowed. You wanted to make places of worship for me, I allowed. You wanted to feed me sweets and salted rice, I welcomed. Even though I am lactose intolerant but I still drank your milk shake. But when did I tell you to make that other human dude chant my name because you chant mine? Please tell me. Man, I am not that cheap and selfish, okay? When did I ask you to divide yourself taking my name and get enslaved by those firangis. (psst! heh, yeah bro I am pro-India *wink*. I have most of my connections with your country only. Why? Arrey, because you are able to hold up all the kinds of people who worship my lookalikes. At least on paper. How? Don’t ask How to God. Ever. Okay? See, if I had not been pro-India, you people would have drowned inside the soil itself. That’s how difficult to handle you people are.)

Now this is latest I am hearing nowadays, that many people are getting more and more Outraged daily over issues taking my name. People issuing, what do you call it? Yeah, Fatwas and all? Idiots, if two female people from your clan are good at singing, let them sing no? Because, out of their 50 songs, they are going to write one or two praising me too. What’s your problem with that? What’s this nonsense of distributing Trishuls for defence. FYI, trishul only one guy can use. Me. And that too has a musical instrument attached to it. Means, I am all gaga for music. I made you in all varieties of shapes and sizes and in different colors. But I think I kept one thing common, that is the love for music. You cannot stop music and people trying to entertain others via music. Music is the only thing which you can delve in to make me happy. I ain’t need your temples, mosques, churches, etc. I ain’t need your food. I ain’t need to be dipped into the water you people release your wastes into. I just want you to create music. For me and for other folks down there.

I also need to understand that what made the male humans out of you believe that you are superior or something? Kindly note that if I made you physically stronger, it will take me a wink only to make all of you men lose your manhood. And I also have a list of diseases ready for you men only. I had made you stronger to win wars because wars are cool. ‘The bomb is at Point B. Roger that’. How cool is this! But you are not understanding it seems. Stop this shit right here or I will stop your shit and then you will cry.

Consider this as my last warning because if you keep indulging in harassing others using my name, I will layeth the smackdown on you soon.

Oh yeah dude, Why did I choose this blog to write an open letter to Le humanity? I chose this blog for only 2-3 people read this and that’s how I work, right? Right! You people think that only 2-3 people are there who can help you to come out of sorrow. Which is utterly wrong. You and only you can do good for yourself. And you don’t worry about the language I am using here. It is still better than your ‘I only wryte lyk dis b’coz itz cool lyk nething’. Ok, I think this is it. I need to drink up some beer now because you know I am the ‘High’-er power. heh. Kidding, I am a vegetarian teetotaler only. O }:-)

Take care mate.

– Le God *wink*

P.S.: Paan Bahar Crystal is apparently the world’s most expensive Paan Masala, obviously not for you mortal souls.

P.P.S.: What’s ‘Oh *my* God’? It is always ‘Oh *Our* God’. You people are same only from inside. Mindless idiots.

Zubaan badi honi chahiye, lambi nahi

सिटी बसों में दफ्तर जाने से काफी कुछ सीखने को मिलता है । आगे पीछे, आमने सामने, भांति भांति के लोगो से पाला पड़ता है । बैंक में आपके कितना भी बैलेंस हो, दफ्तर में आपका कोई भी औदा हो । जब सीट नहीं होती, तोह आपको खड़े रहना पड़ता है । भले ही नयी वाली ‘दम मारो दम’ का टाइटल सोंग जो की दीपिका पे फिल्माया गया था कितना भी ओछा हो, लेकिन सच्चाई बता जाता है। आपके साथ वालों से जो, हेह, गंध आती है, उस से आपके सस्ते महंगे दो परफ्यूम का प्रभाव शून्य होजाता है । वोह गंध आप पर तब तक चढ़ी रहती है जब तक आप ऑफिस के एयर कंडीशनर वाले गलियारों में नहीं पहुँचते । ऑफिस में भले ही आप अपनी पोषता का बखान करते फिरते हो, लेकिन सड़क पे आपकी औकात उतनी ही है जितनी की एक बिजली की खम्बे की। आपको बस इतना प्रयत्न करना है की आपको कोई जानवर गीला न करदे ।

ऐसे ही कल की ही बात है, में अपने सवा 9 घंटे की आवश्यक, हेह, शिफ्ट ख़त्म करके ऑफिस से निकला और निकलते ही सामने से आती बस में चढ़ गया । शाम के वक़्त बस थोड़ी ओवरलोडेड होती है, सबको घर जाने की जल्दी जो रहती है। मेरेको सीट नहीं मिली तोह मैं दरवाज़े के पास ही खड़ा होगया क्यूंकि मेरेको किसी काम से अगले ही स्टॉप पे उतना था । जब से थोडा कमान शुरू किया है, और चूंकि, घर थोड़ी से ज्यादा दूरी पे है, मैं ज्यादातर वॉल्वो बस में ही चढ़ता हूँ । लेकिन जैसा की मुझे आगे थोडा काम था, मैं सामान्य में ही चढ़ गया। जब एक बार आप सीट पे बैठ जाते हो, तोह ज़्यादातर आपका ध्यान खिड़की से बाहर होता है। लेकिन अगर आपको अपना सफ़र खड़े रह कर काटना है तोह आप हर आगे पीछे खड़े बैठे वालो पे ध्यान दे सकते हो। टाइमपास के लिए और क्या पता की कोई ऐसा चेहरा दिख जाए जो आँखों को थोडा अच्छा लगे। गौरतलब है की किसी को देखना और निहारना अलग बात है, और किसी को गौरना अलग। इसी बात की तोह आजकल बड़ी डिबेट चल रही है। आप एक क्षण किसी को देख ज़रूर सकते हैं और जब जेम्स ब्लंट का ‘योर ब्यूटीफुल’ सुनते वक़्त उस पल को याद कर सकते हैं। और आप किसी को लगातार इतना घूर सकते हैं की सामने वालो को ग्लानि सी महसूस होने है की ऐसा क्या है उसके चेहरे पे (या थोडा नीचे) कि सामने वाला अपनी नज़र ही नहीं हटा रहा। ऐसा नहीं है की देखने वाला हमेशा ही गलत विचार से देख रहा हो, लेकिन ज्यादातर तोह सबके भीतर विचार गलत ही आते हैं। तोह हुआ यह, कि मैं खड़ा हो कर, बैठे हुए लोगों को हल्का फुल्का परख रहा था। सामने देखता हूँ, की एक बन्दा अपने मोबाइल फ़ोन से झुक कर कुछ कर रहा है। जल्द ही समझ आया कि वोह कैमरे से कुछ करना चाह रहा है। शायद खुदकी बस में बैठे हुए एक तस्वीर। सेल्फ-शॉट प्रोफाइल पिक्चर। उसका मोबाइल तोह ठीक सा लग रहा था, लेकिन शकल ऐसी नहीं लगी की ट्विटर वाला बाँदा हो। हाँ फेसबुक टाइप ज़रूर लगा . और इतना स्पेसिफिक stereotyping कर ही रहे हैं तोह उसको ओरकुटिया कहना बेहतर होगा। फिर मेरी नज़र उस से 3 फीट दूर बैठी एक लड़की पर गयी। वोह लड़का शायद उस लड़की की ही पिक्चर लेने की कोशिश कर रहा था। साफ़ बात थी की वोह लड़की उसके साथ नहीं थी। चूंकि में बैंगलोर में हूँ जहाँ सभी लोग हिंदी भाषी नहीं हैं, हाँ, लेकिन थोड़ी इंग्लिश सब जानते हैं। थोडा जिझक के में हिंदी में ही चिल्लाया,

“अबे ओये, क्या कर रहा है बे! लड़की की फोटो उस से बिना पूछे कैसे लेता है? इतना दिखाया है TV पे की अपना हम आदमियों को ही अपना attitude बदलना होगा वरना इस देश में औरतों के साथ बुरा ही होगा! समझ नहीं आया तुझे? चल माफ़ी मांग उस लड़की से और सारी फोटो डिलीट मार!”

फिर ध्यान आया की मेरी आवाज़ नहीं निकली है। मैं यह अपने दिमाग के अन्दर ही चिल्लाया। फिर दिमाग हिस्से के एक हिस्से से आवाज़ आई, की हो सकता है उस लड़की को कोई दिक्कत न हो। और शाम से वक़्त वैसे भी बस में अँधेरा ही होता है तोह वैसे भी ढंग की पिक्चर नहीं आएगी। और मुझे क्या कोई किसी की पिक्चर पूछ के ले या बिना पूछे। हाँ अगर वोह लड़की से बद्तामीजी करके तोह मेरा फ़र्ज़ है की मैं उसको रोकूँ। और उम्मीद रहती है की ऐसी नौबत ना ही आये। यह तोह TV वालों ने थोड़े दिन उम्मीद जगाई थी की सब सुपर हीरो बन सकते हैं। कहना आसान है, करना मुश्किल। 2 ही मिनट में वोह लड़की बस से उतर गयी। उसको पता भी नहीं चला होगा की शायद एक ओरकुटिया बन्दा उसकी वजह से शायद सेल्फ-juicing करेगा। सेफ का सेफ और किसी को कोई चोट नहीं पहुंची। कुछेक के सम्मान को शायद पहुंची होगी लेकिन सड़क पे क्या सम्मान। वैसे भी नार्थ में बस में लिखा होता था की ‘अपने सम्मान की रक्षा स्वयं करें ‘। इधर भी लिखा होता है लेकिन कन्नड़ में, तोह समझ के बाहर है। फिर अगला स्टॉप मेरा था, मैं भी उतर गया और यह बात भूल गया। रात को शान्ति में थोडा फ्लैशबैक हुआ तोह लिख दिया।

अपनी बात ज़ोर से बोलने की कोई तो तरकीब होती होगी, जो की मेरेको सीखनी बाकी है । जो बात में 2 लाइन लिख के भी कह सकता था, उसके लिए इतना सब लिखा ताकि मेरी गलती कहीं छुप सके। येही तोह सीखा है अब तक।

Find someone your own size

Man is an animal. Social or not, is still being researched in labs. But animal nonetheless. What do animals do when they don’t agree on stuff? They fight. But somehow this got twisted. Earlier when men disagreed, they used to sort it out by debating, arguing and even then if the matter still did not solve, they resorted to physical way of sorting their stuffs. But that was then. Now, there are people who earn money by arguing for the people involved in a disagreement and then they seek the final ruling from a person who keeps publishing judgements by referring to a book some learned people wrote a while back. But how long an animal can remain tamed? There is a limit no! You just loosen your pet’s rope, your pet won’t take much time to go 9211. Same way, it has been a long time, man has been kept tamed by the books. When I say man, I mean man.

So majority of men are not in agreement with their fates. Each and everyday, man gets frustrated. This frustration is sometimes because of the book which his uncles wrote, which was supposed to bring equality and justice to him but it failed. It failed because of other men who had better brains and pro-active traits used the book to their benefits. Darwin’s survival of the fittest is one of the best known facts on this planet. No matter what the era is, only the fit will survive. Nowadays fitness is measured by the amount of that specially minted paper you have in your pocket. So those who don’t have such stuff, shouldn’t feel frustrated for this is just science. But then, men also have this emotional harmones in their brains. So they get frustrated. They cannot help but get bogged down because of the things which happen around them. They get frustrated because of no monies in their pocket, no hope of any decently earning job, no hope from the government, no appreciation from their boss, no sense of driving on the road, no replies from that girl, no hope in anything.

A man keeps accumulating this frustration till the brim and finally one day it spills out. Mostly on the physically weaker counterpart of the man. On those who won’t retaliate. Beating up wives is the easiest thing to do a man can think of. Scolding his kid for everything and anything and eventually going physical is the way to go. Beat, thrash and scold the people you know. Best way to take your frustrations out. Because when they suffer, you suffer (remember Stan?) and it becomes an addiction. Wash, rinse, repeat. Replace water with the people you think cannot fight back. Or if you are on the road, take your anger out on the fellow driver. Abuse, go physical, do whatever you can to transfer your anger to the other guy.

Then there is one more way. Go out and eve tease any female you see. It is the easiest thing to do in this country. Not only, you will be able to curb your desires but also, your frustrations will feel soothing. Moreover, now a days this is in Fashion as well. So have your chance, do the due.

But, wait, wait.. before you do any harm to anyone else, I have an idea. Actually the idea is Tyler Durden’s. But I also have the same idea. Why don’t you find people who are frustrated like you are? Find them, ask them to come to a safe place at the night after work (or if you are unemployed, anytime is good). Start. Beat the hell out of each other. Bring out your masculinity there. Bring out the real you, the untamed wild animal who was never tamed but just dormant-ed because of some hypocrisy. The blood you will see on other’s face will help to calm down your frustrations. Start a Fight Club I say. This will not only do a hell lot of good to you, except some bruises or worst case you dead but at least you will not hurt the weaker people who cannot retaliate against you. Just pick up someone your own size, to be precise. Just in case you feel guilty after hurting the minnows.

The only other thing which can tame a man, is education. Not schooling, but education. So either we need to educate people or let them start a fight club. No other solution to this system.

P.S.: If this doesn’t make sense to you, its okay. If there are grammatical mistakes in this, still okay. Nobody bothers. I had to take my frustration out, so I puked it over here.