Well in Time Day Post

If you are ‘taken’ and reading this from your safe confine
Had a romantic candle lit night dine and topped it with wine so fine
Have just gifted her ring which has luster so bright, it shines
then buddy I think that you did the right thing, well in time.

Because if you have delayed it and still waiting for the right moment
you are surely outdone yourself, get prepared for some relentless torment
You’re going to get hounded like MSM media yells at Modi government
You will run high and dry and won’t get a breather, forget about chlormint.

Your friends your neighbors your cook your tailor
Your aunt your uncle your didi her Devar
Your teacher your peon your relatives ask you a favor
and your colleagues your dhobhi your barber and his shaver
and many more ask directly without being any clever
that when are you getting married, do it no, be braver
it is nothing, lose some slack, don’t be a saver
see this, meet her, say hi, arey at least crave her
you don’t have time left now, we will give you no waiver.

Look at them, they got married in a grand style last year
Uploaded 158 pics of the wedding, 200 pics of honeymoon, don’t jeer
Mostly blurry but rest were clear, taken from a distance and very near
they are happy so what if they have bloated and enhanced their rear
well we will be your seer and prophecise for you my dear
you have wasted so much time, stop lazying around change your gear
if you don’t you will rot soon, is our fear
what is this, why have you grown a beard
Y U NO understand, dress up nicely, wear this wear

Come let us go and meet this family
they are not that affluent but the girl is very pretty
Pretty she might be, but she is not of my affinity
What are you saying, what’s wrong with her, are you being witty?
Man, you’re aging now and reaching the escape velocity
remember, once you turn the draconian age of 30
you will get no one far and bloody no one in any city
OK, see another, she is not that nice, but family has never seen scarcity
NO? You are such a dumbass, soon you will have no pity
You have gone mad and you ought to be left alone away from this vicinity
OK, see another, she is so cool, it seems she has everything in her kitty
NO?, what an idiot you are, why do go into nitty-gritty?

Sigh, been driving down this road and now cannot take this load
Judging someone just in a meeting, makes me look like a tadpole toad
Will settle down some day eventually, why are you getting bored
I am trying you know, cannot like someone you showed
just like that, don’t have that switch mode
it is not some code which you can write and gloat
I am trying you know, working on it from tip to node
BharatMatrimonyJeevanSaathiShaadiSimpleMarry I tried but then tip-toed
That is again liking someone just by pictures you showed
I know the clock is ticking, but it is okay, I blowed,
It will happen or not happen, who cares, this is just an ode,
to my brain which is soon, about to explode.

Tick tock tick tock tick…

No News Day

Nothing happened today. No news. Zilch. Of course, usual life carried on. People went for work. Unemployed people didn’t but they don’t anyways. No big event occurred. No hate speech happened. There was sudden dearth of stupid remarks. Some people did speak their mind but nobody heard them so it was alright. There were no weddings. There were some divorces and they were settled peacefully. People obviously cried but that was just a stress reliever. No protests happened, no cease fire violation happened. Nobody died in any accident. None. There was usual traffic at most places and occasional jams at deadlocks. People took them for granted and didn’t show their anger anywhere, neither on the road, nor on Twitter. Some cars got into accidental-y situation and almost collided too but both the drivers were so busy in their own affairs, they thought shouting at the other won’t improve the driving skills, so there wasn’t any point. No celebrity of importance died. Some people did die though. Those who died, died of natural causes, so nobody gave much whimper except their families and close friends, some of whom were, sort of, relieved. No loot happened so security guards spent their day mostly snoring, but acting as if they are fully awake and active. No rape happened. It was indeed surprising but may be it was the arrangement of planets that made sure nobody got insane. No killing happened. Neither in the name of God or language or money or anything. May be the perpetrators’ alarm got into some mess thanks to some seismic activity which geologists failed to capture and they now must be wondering what day it is. Cartoonists took the day off and spent the day by watching at blank TV screens.

Most of the people didn’t pay any heed to the lack of happenings around, but it was a very dull and long day for news channels, newspapers and news websites. They were restless for most of the afternoon but eventually someone had a brilliant spark, which spreaded from one agency to the other and they all published their news of no news. The newspapers published 28 blank pages, with ads of course. The news channels made way for news about TV shows of last weeks and the news websites listed 20 point lists without any content. It was as if they were just hitting enter after every bullet points and eventually got bored after 20 points, randomly.

So today, nothing happened.

You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

– John Lennon, Imagine (1971)

Please Like my Baby

Please like my baby for my baby is so cute,
Look at its* cho-chweet cheeks, and at its tiny snoot…
How cuddly it is, so plump and fluffy, don’t you think so?
So adorable no? The eyes, don’t you think they glow?
The sound it makes, gagagogo gulp, isn’t that music to your ear,
It might be difficult to decipher for you, should I translate to make it clear?

Hey like my baby alright, don’t like it more than necessary…
Although, I’ve applied kala tika protection but I’m wary to keep evils at bay,
No no, don’t ever dare to make that annoyed face, for my baby is a dude,
Doesn’t matter if it wets your lap, don’t complain, no, it’s rude…
How dare you showed discomfort on the running nose of my baby…
Even if it drools more than its weight, why are you going so crazy,

Are you jealous that it is my baby and yours are going down the drain,
You have to like mine on all social media even if it inflicts any pain…
Yes, you are a nobody, what you know you dumbo, still I need your approval,
I’m going to send my baby to this baby beauty contest, if I don’t someone else will…
Do you realize how important is it, to get these social media validations…
Baby will need them in school admission and other important certifications,

I’ve changed my DP to my baby’s pics to show my honesty and intimacy…
Why should I fear, when it grows old, it will take care of its own privacy,
So praise it now and then, please like my baby for my baby is so cute,
It’s an opportunity for you to prove your friendliness, O’ my friend so astute,
Do like the pic where the baby is asleep with father/mother, that’s the pic with the juice…
Yes, do the job you have been asked to do as baby is the best thing we could (re)produce.

(* Using its because we don’t differentiate between boy and girl child on this blog)

P.S.: I thought I am going to offend many people with this post but nobody is going to read this anyway so I am safe. I hope.


(Kindly read this in a heavy whispering voice. No, heavier, yes, you can do it.)

Year: 2019
Place: Looroouuu (Speak this word slow and with wheezing in your voice)

It has been more than 418 days since the Sun came out, here in Looroouuu. Yes, 418 days without Sun in Looroouuu. A 1000 or so years ago, this was called Bendakaluru. Then it became Bangalore 200 odd years ago under British rule and then it stayed the same for some years after British left. Then it became Bengalooroo few years ago and then it became Bengalooroouuu. Similar additions of oouuu and removal of other useless alphabets have resulted in the current name and eventually it will become just U*.

*If this city survives. If not even the U will disappear into oblivion.

Anyways, that’s not the point. Point is that this place which was a bustling city overflowing with people young and old (and making world a better place through innovation and servicing the Information Technology industry of the world), till some couple of years ago has now become a deserted place with only a handful of entities left. Since the outbreak of the virus Zombola 2 years ago somewhere in the country called USA, it took away life and life out of property with it. Bangalore was the worst hit of the all because people downloaded the viruses through torrents and injected themselves with it using the pen drive injection iCrack* (which was Apple’s most innovative product since their last most innovative product which was bigger, better and thinner) which then lead to disastrous results. Yes, the virus which was originated as a computer code eventually got mixed with the human genome code and made the people Half-Human-Half-Zombie.

(You can now stop whispering but keep the tone heavier, for dramatic effects which this post needs but doesn’t deserve)

About 418 days ago, Zombola spreaded like Wild Fire in this city. Everyone got affected. (Dramatic Pause) Everyone. Govt. officials who had already evacuated (not sure why), then quarantined the city. Half-Human-Half-Zombie people had got no clue whatsoever but they had been trapped, left on their own on that day. Nobody could go out, nobody could come in. People didn’t know that they have been converted to something beyond their beliefs. They had been zombified. The only good thing which happened because of this was the return of Awesome Bangalore Weather, which had gone extinct somewhere in the 2010s due to excessive jinxing by tweeting. The Half-Human-Half-Zombies didn’t realize that the disappearance of Sun would be even more fatal for them eventually, as now they didn’t know whether it was day or night. Because the office they worked in, always had lights on and windows closed, the only source of their Vitamin D had been blocked by the clouds. In this precarious situation, Half-Human-Half-Zombie people went into a weird limbo. Where they thought, everything was fine, but nothing was. This new species was termed PeopleZ (People + Zombies) because there was no one left to think of any better name, as they were all ill.

PeopleZ facial features now resembled Zombies but they all wore formals. Even on Fridays. They roamed all around the roads shouting ‘Appraisals! Appraisals’ but in horrific and deafening and coarse voices. Their only source of food was HID cards which they still wore with their companies tag. But they still had half of their brains left which made them realize that if they chew off their HID cards, they will die. So they just sucked it. The City roads had become more frightening than ever because the traffic had cleared off, which was like a shock to the people who had already been shocked many times over due to the recent events. PeopleZ thought that this meant they could easily roam around and reach respective offices on time but such thoughts were short-lived because the Autorickshaw Drivers had gotten infected more. Auto Rickshaws appeared on the road out of nowhere and they could hit you from any directions possible if you stood near the road, even on footpaths. The hit carcass was then harassed by the driver zombies by asking for 20 more Rupees extra on the meter. Sigh.

The main cause of all of this predicament was iCrack. Probably this is what Apple founder Steve Jobs always wanted i.e. mix people, computer and make them high, but we will never know. Status-Quo has been maintained since all these days. Well, you forgot to ask but this is a memoir being written by me. The only human survivor (I think, I wish I had someone else with me too to repopulate the city but all in vain) who has survived the onslaught by hiding under the Silk Board Bridge and not buying the iDevices in first place. Also, even the PeopleZ can’t come near Silk Board even now where light is still Red. This is a win win situation for me which has helped me survive as well, I must add. I am still waiting the light to turn green but observing the city from close proxmities by hiding and surviving. Let’s see how long I can hold on to dear life. Over & Out.


Diary of an Auto-Driver

“All I asked was just 20 Rupees extra on the meter but she gave me an exasperated stare and walked away. Arey, at least I agreed to go by meter!”.

I am just an Autorickshaw-Driver, nothing fancy about it. Is that the way to treat me? She came to me, I didn’t go to her. Well anyways, this is how my day goes usually. I thought, why not jot down some of my feelings and day-to-day experiences, which might make the customers, understand my plight before giving me a flight. Thus, I have asked one of my customers to lend me his blog so that I can share a bit about my life because I don’t get time to blog owing to my extremely busy schedule.

As I was sleeping in my Auto, (Trivia: people of Mumbai call it Rick, people of Hyderabad call it Aeto) very early in the morning at around 9 AM, 2 guys came to me and woke me up. Without any decency they asked me if I would go to MG Road? Rubbing my eyes and yawning simultaneously, I nodded my head in negation nonchalantly. Who wants to go there in the peak time anyways! I shooed them away and went to sleep again. It was so hot and sleeping in an Auto is not a comfortable thing I tell you. You have to crouch to fit on the back seat and then place your legs over the driver’s seat to ease.

After 10 odd minutes, another guy in formals like Karan Thapar and a face as sophisticated as Yogendra Yadav approached and asked me if I was willing to go to Whitefield. This guy looked liked an IT guy so I told him ‘Alright, 150 Rupees only’. He said, ‘No no, it costs only 60’. Now, firstly, everyone knows that these IT guys are mighty rich. They can spend 1000s in just half an hour drinking at posh pubs. Can’t they even spare such meager amount on Travel? ‘Tch tch what saar, so much traffic there and no sawaari from there back to here’, I told him. He didn’t look like the bargaining ones so he readily agreed. We started and after a super fast extent of 10 seconds, came to a standstill thanks to a traffic jam. It took 20 minutes to move 100 m and technically I should’ve asked for 500 Rupees from him but since I agreed to take him for a ride in just 150, I couldn’t ask for more. So I told him that because of this headache of a jam, I would take 20 more and drive faster further. He said he was okay with it but insisted to avoid driving like Rajinikanth. We eventually reached his destination safe and sound as I had promised.

And to everyone’s surprise, there was no returning sawaari at all for at least a Kilometer. After which I found a lady walking with an umbrella in the hot sun. I thought I should help her and asked if she wanted to go somewhere. Reluctantly she said she was heading towards KR Puram but she will go only by meter. I agreed because I couldn’t see her walking, panting and cursing Awesome Bangalore Weather in the summer. We started peacefully but the peace was soon shattered when she took out her phone and started discussion her daily chores with someone on phone. I don’t think she even paused for breath but was continuously blabbering her office live issues, her daily life issues, her shopping woes, her husband’s excuses and lies and even her cat’s tantrums. I could have written her biography if she has continued the transcription. I even stared at her through the mirror overhead so that she could distract but there was no stopping. As soon as I dropped her and took a sigh of relief, I found another elderly gentleman who wanted to go Marathalli. It felt like the day was going smooth but as soon as we reached a flyover, the auto broke down. Hmpfh. I had checked everything just a night ago and everything was working top notch. Unfortunately I had to ask the old man to get down and pay 50 Rupees so that I could push the auto myself till the next service station. He was infuriated but couldn’t do anything. At least I didn’t ask him to help me push the auto. He should have looked at his age for God’s sake.

Well, this is how my day usually goes by. People consider us inhumane, I consider people inhumane. Each and every day we help people reach their destinations come what may rain and thunderstorm but people don’t appreciate that. We ask for some extra money because it is bloody tough out there. Fighting Inflation and regularly bribing police personnel is not a child’s play. So I hope next time you aboard another auto, think of me. Thanks to the blogger for letting me use his blog. See you.

Enjoy this till then.

<p><a href=”http://vimeo.com/43397805″>FOR HIRE! – BANGALORE RICKSHAW</a> from <a href=”http://vimeo.com/xylophon”>Xaver Xylophon</a> on <a href=”https://vimeo.com”>Vimeo</a>.</p>


पास के क्रिकेट के मैदान में अब घास नहीं उगती,
हर कहीं पैर पड़ने की वजह से अब ज़मीन बंजर हो चली है |
खेल तो अब भी खेले जाते हैं, पास दूर से बहुत बच्चे रोज़ आते हैं,
दिन भर चिल्ल-पों मचता ही रहता है, मैदान यह सब चुपचाप सहता है |

बाउंड्री पर अब झाड़ भी सूख चूका है,
कोना कोना मटमैला रूख चूका है |
गेंद जब सरक कर कोने की दीवार पर आके टकराती है,
कराह उठता है वो मैदान जैसे कोई सुई चुभो दी हो |

नाराज़ तो होता है लेकिन बच्चो की ख़ुशी देख कर लौटा देता है गेंद,
उसे तो इंतज़ार रहता है कि अँधेरा हो और बच्चे घर लौट जाएँ |
शाम ढलते ही बाउंड्री के बाहर वाले पेड़ो पर पक्षी लौट आते हैं,
सुरीली से करतल ध्वनि उस मैदान को गाके सुनाते हैं |

उन्ही पेड़ों से रोड-लाइट की रौशनी जब छन के आती है मैदान पर,
कोई नहीं होता क्रिकेट खेलने वाला, असली तब आता है मज़ा उस मैदान को |
पक्षी भी सोचुके होते हैं तब तक, अलग सा सन्नाटा छा जाता है,
बाउंड्री की दीवारें तत्पर रहती है अँधेरे के लिए, मन ही मन मुस्कुराती हुई |

थोडा और अँधेरा ढलने पर, दीवारों पर फूल खिल उठते हैं,
थोड़े थोड़े अंतराल पर, जहां जहां रोशनी नहीं होती |
चहचहाते हैं फूल, अठखेलियाँ करते हैं,
मैदान खुश हो उठता है, पेड़ो से रौशनी और कम कर देता है |

जब तक फूल आपस में व्यस्त रहते हैं, निहारता रहता है सुनसान मैदान उन्हें,
दिन भर जो बंजर रहा, जैसे अँधेरा होते हैं वसंत ऋतू आ गई हो |
जो दिन भर हुल्लड़ बाजी और शोर शराबा होता रहा,
अँधेरे में वहीँ वायलिन और सैक्सोफोन बजने लगते हैं |

जब कोई गुज़रता है मैदान के बाहर से, कोशिश करता है मैदान के फूल disturb न हो,
गुजरने वाले को जिज्ञासा भी होती हो, तो होने दो, मैदान तो फूला नहीं समाता |
थोड़ा सा कभी बाहर वाला भी मुस्कुरा देता है फूलों को देख कर,
मैदान को आँख मार कर इशारा कर देता है, कि लगे रहो, अपने को क्या |

कुछ तुनकमिजाज़ियों को फूल पसंद नहीं, खांस कर वो जता देते हैं,
फूल भी समझ जाते हैं, कि अँधेरा काफी हो चला है |
उलझी हुई अपनी डालियों को सुलझा के बिछड़ जाते हैं,
मिलेंगे फिर यहीं, इसी वक़्त कह के एक बार फिर से बंजर कर जाते हैं मैदान |


With Lack of Outrages, Tweeple hang up FirstPost Site

New Delhi. 12th June 2013 by Anonymous_Journalism_by_Broadband

In an absolutely inexplicable set of events, Twitter users across the country hung the news portal site FirstPost by overloading it with comments citing their frustrations due to lack of outrage generated on Twitter.

June 11th day was the most unusual day in the history of microblogging site Twitter as there was no event through which Twitter users could fetch any hint of outrageous material to carry out their daily Twitter duties. Normally, a day on Twitter is initiated by ridiculous statement by a politician or a molestation or rape case in NCR or the weather of Bangalore or snow in Chennai or some act by a Bollywood personality in Mumbai or a brilliant performance by Ravindra Jadeja or an Apple event or any event which can be made fun of, literally. But nothing of such nature happened on 11th June. Twitter users had nothing to comment, trend or even play contest yesterday. Even the irritating handles which carry out quizzes were busy in their rare but mandatory real-life activities.

‘I have nothing to outrage today. As I have already outraged over nothingness of outraging, I am getting frustrated more and more.’, tweeted a twitter celeb with handle @Psychedelic_Sundaram.

Similar tweets of frustration were seen from most of the users in India. This build up of frustration took its toll on the news portal FirstPost which usually runs on the content generated by Twitter. As there was nothing on Twitter which could have helped journalists on FirstPost to write an article, they put up an article which stated ‘How boring Twitter had become and is this the right time to pull the plug off it!’. As soon as this post was tweeted by their handle, Twitter users across the country got irked and start commenting on FirstPost’s website. This created a frenzy of comments as everyone on Twitter, as they had nothing to outrage upon, jumped on to the website and crashed its server.

The editor sensed the situation and asked all the staff of 3 people present in the office to evacuate the building faking a mock fire drill. He was caught saying that he feared that people like KRK could attack their office in angst. Rest of the staff was working from home, as usual, couldn’t even post their attendance of the day because of the server outage. As per the last reports, the IT admin team have restarted the servers and meanwhile a pub related incident has occurred in Gurgaon. IT admin believes that since at least something outrage worthy has happened, people might get distracted from the site and get back on to Twitter doing the best they can do, that is to outrage.