2013 – Page 3 – Abhinav Bhatt

The thing with Office Internetz

Let us suppose that you are a sane and sophisticated kind of gentleman (or gentle lady or at least gentle). Now suppose that you’re in an office which is very Indian type in nature where the Internet access is managed by an IT Admin team. You want to check a certain website which will help you to learn more about the work you are dealing with. You want to type Oracle but end up typing Racle*. Now this happens, all of a sudden:

A new blue/black/Eye-Blinding-White page pops up with a text which shouts:

Message:

CONTENT BLOCKED.

HOW COULD YOU OPEN THIS, YOU FOOL? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT CATEGORY THIS SITE BELONGS TO? YOU’RE AN IDIOT OF FIRST DEGREE AND WE HAVE NOTED DOWN YOUR EMPLOYEE ID AND NAME. HAHA. OPEN THIS SITE ONE MORE TIME AND THEN YOU SEE, HOW WE WOULD DRAG YOUR CARCASS OUT OF THE OFFICE, PULLING YOU FROM TIE-END AND INSULT YOUR GENERATIONS AS BONUS. HOW DARE YOU…

Reason:

THIS WEBSITE IS BLOCKED YOU DOUCHE! YOU KNOW WHAT BLOCKED MEANS? IT MEANS YOU CANNOT OPEN THIS HERE. LOLZ VIA QWUT! GO TO YOUR HOME AND TRY THIS YOU PERVERT.

URL:

http://www.racle.com

This is like the guy in the ad where he enacts an Air Conditioner and gets southpaw-ed when electricity turns back on all of a sudden. Or you are sitting on a peaceful protest near India Gate and suddenly you feel a rib-tickling sensation thanks to Police Lathi which suddenly hits you again at the same spot with the intensity of a Gayle six. You poor fellow didn’t even know that you had just made a typo in the address bar. These blocked-stuff messages are written in such polite language which is as smooth as Sandpaper is. While they could have simply said that Sir, may be you are trying to open a site which is deemed inappropriate in office environment. Kindly recheck the spelling and proceed. Or aww, what are you trying to open mister 😉 Please, please understand that you are in office. Opening such stuff will only attract eyeballs so just work and avoid such scenes no?

Telling from personal experience of (not mine but) many of my very gentlemanly friends, utmost care should be taken to type anything using your office keyboard. Office, nowadays follow strict policies which prohibit you to even think any URL which is not safe at work. Still, if you deliberately want to view some pictures to feel refreshed, only a disconnected LAN Cable can save you. While I am not telling you my personal views about what should you type and watch, but this watching business is a very serious business. While it is still OK to go through such recreational stuff in places of lesser importance such as legislative assembly, it is strictly banned to ever utter those keywords in offices. Surfing such websites, watching videos or pictures or even reading ‘NSFW’ text might land you into trouble and it could even lead to termination, with insult and embarrassment guaranteed. Even if you are reading stuff related to Yoga, even that might be ‘ZOMG, LOOK AT HIM, WHAT IS HE WATCHING! ARREST HIM!’ level offensive for some people in office. Policies related to harassment at workplace are cool like that. When even movie channels which show subtitles change ‘Damn’ to ‘Darn’ and ‘Shit’ to ‘Stuff’ and blur Katrina Kaif flashing a chilam, office IT admins should take matter into their own hands, isn’t it?

Now when corporates have taken the ‘sustainable’ initiative, why should the government lag behind? Recently one flying news snippet of government trying to check and control the growing number of inappropriate content websites came online, Internet users took it very seriously. While government was just worried that websites showcasing child abuse and obscene stuff should be brought under the radar, people on Twitter interpreted as if the government is planning to ban such stuff from view, storing, sharing and of course, making. Some people were so afraid to hear this that they hid their Hard disks and CD/DVDs under the ground while others were so offended that they decided to watch whatever they could before it would become illegal.

So kindly behave and avoid such scenes in the office at least. Cleaning history and all won’t help.

P.S.: In engineering colleges, your ‘net’ worth is often measured by the amount of ‘stuff’ you have in your ‘kitty’ but you cannot remain popular following the same strategy anymore. You are not Sachin Tendulkar, please.

* Don’t bother, I have checked that now Racle has been brought down but it was a blocked site in 2010 April surely.

How to be a Complete Man?

People who are familiar with TV advertisements of 1990s and 2000s might have seen the Raymond’s advertisement where the tagline used to be “The Complete Man”. That tagline has faded now because kids back then used it a lot to make joke about transgenders. Making jokes about them is a complete no-no nowadays. But the phrase ‘The Complete Man’ stayed in mind and turned out to be very much mind-boggling. What is a complete man? What is complete in first place? What traits should a man have which make him complete? Moderately tall physique with slightly fairer than the 3rd level of skin complexion (as measured on Fair & Handsome crème’s fairness meter), highly refined voice with an apt frequency of 1.75 words delivered in a second which can be understood by only those who pay attention or a highly successful career as a Colony level acclaimed sportsperson (Cricket, Football, Hockey, Golf and Badminton) during late 90s and early 2000s are some of the criteria which define an almost complete man. Dimple optional. Enough about me, but still it takes a lot more to be complete.

Before you try to imitate any of the above given features, you must remember the most important trait a complete man has. That is to respect women. Although it is the easiest but still nobody follows this simple rule. Not even I. Err, don’t throw eggs, wait let me explain. In spite of all the good qualities I claim to have, one thing which kept me thinking for some time made me write this.

I travel to my office in a Bangalore metropolitan transport corporation city bus. The office is around 15 KMs from my place and thanks to the dependence on traffic conditions, it can take around 25-75 minutes to reach the destination. So when I say, I will be there in 10 minutes, don’t believe me. Now, the bus has a capacity of, umm, err, say 60 seats, about 20 of them are reserved. 15 reserved for women and 5 for Differently abled people. If you travel in the non-ac BTMC buses, you will find that usually no men occupy the reserved seats. Point to note is that the non-ac buses are mostly used by those people who cannot afford Auto Rickshaw. Frankly, nobody can afford Auto Rickshaw without leasing out your kidneys but still, those are Not-So-Rich class people. So those not-so-rich people do understand that some seats are reserved for women so they better get seated at the rear side general area. However, the Volvo AC Bus, which is usually used by those who are willing to shed some money in order to get the comfort and speed, are not that intelligent enough. People travelling in Volvo grab any seat they find, leaving a lot of ladies standing. Now, before you grab my collar and punch my jaw out, let me clarify that I don’t sit on the reserved seats. I usually go back and find a seat at the back side of the bus, and if there isn’t any, I keep standing.

Now consider the scenario which makes me an almost but not yet complete man. Suppose all the reserved seats are full and there is only 1 seat left vacant in the general area of the bus. Still there is one lady (lady means elder than me in general sense here) and I are in the bus without the seats and we both have equal opportunities to grab that seat. In this predicament, I let the lady to get the seat. Now am I the complete man? No because consider a scenario further.

Suppose there are no seats left in the bus and then a lady boards the bus. Do I get up and offer her the seat? Unless the lady is at least double my age and I am not considerably fresh and alive, I don’t. I had logic for this which has now shattered like career of Boxer Vijendra Singh. I used to think that in a city like Bangalore, both men and women get equal opportunities and earn almost the same (I hope). Also, as I have seen in the office, apart from the gossips about affairs and clothes (haha joking), women work equal to what men do. So, since we both are equals, there is no point in me standing up for a woman in a Volvo AC bus or any bus for that matter for any rich poor class. Just there, I missed my opportunity to be the complete man. My logic falls flat on its face when I realize that a woman’s work doesn’t stop in office alone. Not only she faces the same ordeal a man has to go travelling to and fro from office to home and working for 9 hours, but she also has to take care of the house. And, before you again grab my collar bone (as you already tore my collar off in the Para above) and break my nose, when I say she has to take of the house, is that usually she is the home maker, as she can manage the house in a better way. She has to manage the maids, the cooks, the cleanliness, the kids (if any) and other stuff like spending time on make-up. She does double the work a man does because men just reach home, jump on the sofa and start watching TV while the lady brings him water (talking about my future, heh). Hey, don’t grab me again, I am talking about 21st century only. So, all in all, a woman who is standing in the bus, trying to get a seat deserves more than I do. Be it a woman of any age, she still does more work after going home than an average guy does. <b>And hence, I should always offer her (girl, woman, aunty) the seat</b>. Unless of course, she is not interested in sitting at on the rear side amongst the company of men.

From now on, I expect myself to follow this simple principle and try to be a complete man from now on. Let’s see.

Open letter to Dr. Anjali Tendulkar – II

Hi Dr. Anjali Tendulkar Ma’am,

I hope you are doing great. Although, I have never known your birthdate but I am sure you won’t mind if I ask you to convey my best wishes to Mr. Sachin Tendulkar on his 40th birthday. I wish the best for him and your whole family, always.

Well, sometime ago (http://abloquacitylab.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/dear-dr-anjali-why-sachin-should-not-retire-now), I had asked you to tell Mr. Sachin Tendulkar to not to retire. Thank you for paying heed to that request (of course you didn’t read this but sometimes thoughts travel out of thin air). At that time he was on 99 centuries. Now such a benchmark is irrelevant. Everything has been achieved. 100 International Centuries spanning over a period of 24 years of representing India. No words are there to describe this immensely huge contribution to the service of our cricketing nation. Now, the question is what’s next? I know you two must have talked it through, therefore, Mr. Sachin hasn’t formally announced yet but could it be that his last International appearance in India is already over? I hope not. The next series in which we can see him again will be in South Africa later this year and very late next year in India. I would just like to mention few things on his birthday which you might or might not find useful. But I still say them as a life-long-fan.

The optimism

I believe that there are a few major things which act as the adhesive to keep India as one country. Cricket is one of them and Sachin Tendulkar is one of the most important elements in that adhesive. At least for my generation, who were born in the 80s, he is inseparable from life. All our lives as Cricket fans, majority of our discussions revolved around his score. Whether it was the praises or small bit of criticism of the team’s over dependency on his broad shoulders, it all emerged out of Sachin’s runs. Sachin hitting Michael Kasprowicz, Damien Flemming and Shane Warne over their heads and fetching us win Sharjah in 1998 is a small gif etched on our minds. Tony Greig damaging his vocal chords over Sasheen Tendoolkaaa still echoes inside our ears. For me, if I draw analogies to compare India as a country with Indian Cricket Team, if Ganguly was the much needed aggression to succeed, Dravid was the faith and belief in our abilities that we can do well, Sachin Tendulkar has always been the optimism that one day, we shall dominate the world because we deserve to.

How impactful Sachin is, we all know but still I would like to share one small incident. Although it had happened when Sehwag hit his double ton once, but again, Sachin was batting in Dhaka, and was about to reach the 100th 100. In my office, work was going on as usual and the volume of the floor chirping, discussing, on call, was relatively low. Also, almost 80% of the people were hooked to one tab of Cricinfo. All of a sudden, as he reached the 100th 100, the floor erupted. Everyone started clapping and those who didn’t know what the hell happened, were left clueless. The clapping continued for 2 minutes and gradually it slowed down and everyone started working again. This is a small impact he has created in our lives.

Now, the thing I would like to mention is the rise of the haters. We Indians love to hate anything and everything. The growing voices asking him to retire have become louder. People have drowned to such embarrassing levels that they have started to doubt his batting. Those people who don’t even know a thing about Cricket, call him selfish and all. This feels a bit like how Gandhi’s name is treated by people in present times. While people were all in praise for Gandhi Ji all along, but now there are certain groups who are quite vocal and critic of Gandhi’s policies. They put up arguments such as ‘what if’ Gandhi ji had not chosen Nehru over Patel. This has caused some unaware people to have a bit of mistrust and hate for Gandhi ji. Similarly, over the years, Sachin Tendulkar might also have to face this music. I hope he doesn’t let this happen. I hope you don’t let this happen. People have hated Dhoni after he won as 2 World Cups and getting us numero uno position in both ODIs and Test as well, so it is usual Indian mentality.

The Apology

Second, I would like to say Sorry. Through my tweets, Facebook statuses and Quora questions, I have asked questions against him not retiring. My point was never to doubt his sincere efforts. I just want to be sarcastic with those who blame Sachin for India’s inability to win some matches. I simply don’t hold any authority to even suggest him about retirement. As a fan, I would always like to see him on the strike, hitting the straight drive which enhances the blood on my face’s veins because of non-stop smiling. So, I sincerely apologize for even uttering the word ‘Retirement’ for your husband. I’ll give my letter much needed rest, after all he knows best.

Wishing him many glorious years ahead in life. All the best to your family. I hear Arjun is also doing well. Well, I reserve my opinion about what people might say about him being the next to get India cap, I just wish him the best in whatever he chooses to be.

Thanks for reading.

#NSFWComic: Shampoo

#NSFWComic – Adverse Effects

I volunteer to do this — Adverse Effects

The Award Winning: Droplets from Sky

As a part of doing Field Research for groundwater levels, I reached a village in Rajasthan which was frankly, in the middle of nowhere. It hadn’t rained there since a decade. The color of the sky looked pale yellow and you could see just sand dunes till the horizon in all the directions. The water supply for the natives was being done by special trains which used to come once a week and people had to just ‘manage’ till the next train’s arrival. Being a Meteorology Expert, I knew that this time the fate of poor villagers could change as the region was experiencing low pressure thereby attracted water-filled clouds from the Arabian Sea.

I was just noting down my findings then suddenly 2 kids, barely 7-8 years old came running from behind, shouting for their parents and other villagers. They were really terrified because they had just experienced water droplets falling from the sky. It was something they had never seen in their life-time. They were in complete misbelief that something of this sort could happen. Their parents came out of their homes and as did the other villagers. Their faces got lit up and almost all of them started dancing, congratulating each other and celebrating because it started to drizzle. The kids were still in shock though.

I couldn’t stop myself seeing this and found few droplets on my shirt. It wasn’t only the rain, but also some tears.

P.S.: I am not a hydrology or weather expert (though I can predict rains with 78% accuracy) but this was a short story I wrote for a Water Conservation based competition in office and some how, I won. Nothing huge but a certificate is what I am going to get. I hope they consider it during appraisal. 😉

When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth

It was sometime in ’93 or ’94 when my uncle took me to Premprakash Cinema Hall in Jaipur. We tried to get the seats but apparently it was House Full. We had already given up but then my uncle thought of giving one more chance and tried our luck at Lower Dress Circle window. Luckily, there were 2 tickets available of the front row seats. The tickets were small chits of Pink Color, 14 Rupees each probably (and the parking chit was yellow in color, 3 Rupees), if I can guess correctly, give or take 5-10 Rupees here and there. Then I got to see, probably my first English movie (dubbed in Hindi obviously) in a cinema hall, and the movie was called Jurassic Park.

Now when you see a movie, that too an action-adventure genre, from the front row seats, everything looks real. Jurassic Park that time was watched without 3D, without IMAX and surely without Dolby Digital Surround system as well. So, what was shown on the screen was unadulterated loud and on your face fun! I was thrilled, I was frightened, I was amazed and I became its life long fan. When I was coming back from the theater, sitting on the pillion seat of the Blue colored Bajaj Chetak, we went past many camels on the way home. Those camels looked as frightening as the velociraptors. I bought dinosaurs merchandize later, along with one 10 inch tall plastic each-part-detachable skeleton of T-Rex, which was later hidden away somewhere by my mother because, unusually, it happened to be unlucky somehow. When the skeleton was sitting pretty and handsomely on the TV Trolley, my brother got his hand fractured and my father’s car got hit. So the toy went underground soon. Still, the love for Dinosaurs and JP never stopped. I went on to see The Lost World (1997) thrice in cinema hall (and it was the first movie I was allowed to watch alone in theaters with friends). Even our school took us to watch that movie. Meanwhile, whenever Jurassic Park was aired on TV, I watched it. From 1994 till 2013, if it had been shown 200 times, I would have watched 100 times at least. I stopped counting after the century.

Now on 6th April 2013, I got another chance to see the magic on big screen again. That too in IMAX 3D at Bangalore. I went to the theater and saw kids who weren’t even born in 1994 flocking in with their parents. It gave a sense of aging. Sigh. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie on the screen as much as I had done 19 years ago.

The movie had so much effect on me that I had even decided to become a paleontologist when I grew up. (Although I didn’t end up being one).

I can still remember the white shorts and jungle-scene shirt, I had worn on that day because after few days when those clothes got washed, the upper pocket of the shirt still had the crumbled pink chits.

Here’s a small tribute poster I have made for the movie: