How to get a Marriage Certificate?

So you want a Marriage Certificate to declare your marriage official? Great. You have come to the right page. Here’s a step by step description that can save you heaps of trouble. Go on:

Certificate is just a piece of paper but...
Certificate is just a piece of paper but…
  1. LET GO OF ALL YOUR EGO. All of it. There should be no trace left of it on your forehead, face, anywhere on your body. Otherwise you can’t do it. Throw your ego as far as you can. Wipe it clean. Delete it. Empty the recycle bin. Shift Delete the recycle bin itself now. Now maybe you are ready, just may be. Doesn’t matter you are a Team Leader with Best Employee award from last 5 years in your company or a best fast bowler in India or winner of best looking baby award in past. You are nobody. Remember this and proceed.
  2. Now decide to get married first. (read: surrender). I know this is a tough thing to decide quickly but it is okay. Nobody cares except you. Just do it. Eventually your body will get old and saggy so why not now? And in case you were eager and desperate yourself from the word go, go for it right away.
  3. Get married formally i.e. get married in front of few people. Peacock danced in the forest but no body watched so what’s the point, they say.
  4. Go to the Magistrate office or local Municipal corporation office. Reach there by 1030 MAX. Although you won’t find any staff there but good to reach before them. If you reach after they have reached, it would mean that you are not serious about getting the certificate. You will be dealt like how Autowalas deal with passengers when they don’t want to go anywhere.
  5. Find out in which room these marriage certifications are made or some point of contact to start the ordeal. The place will have lots of rooms and not all room house the right people. So find out where do you need to be. Don’t waste time.
  6. Once you find the right person, politely ask for the form. The politeness level depends the fate of the day. If you still have some ego left, please flush it down. If you haven’t brought the invitation card, you may be doomed and best is to resign and go to Himalayas. If you have the card without sweets, you must promise that you will bring sweets the next time with an expression of a puppy who just wants a cookie. If you don’t have anything but still want to pursue, don’t lose temper when the officer will throw away your form like you throw away garbage on the streets. This is how they roll. Bend a little more to enhance your body language and show humility.
  7. Get the form filled with utmost care. Get all the documents ready. Leave nothing behind. Bring all your birth, death, childhood, adulthood, financial and social certificates or cards. Memorize your grades in schools. Get couple photographs of your wedding in full attire and one without attire as in normal clothes. The photographs should be in sizes ranging from 3×5 and 4×6 and remember #nofilter.
  8. Once the documents are ready, proceed to the office where someone checks your document. They might be gone for lunch. So just be patient and wait. They’re still at lunch. They will always be in lunch so just wait. Once they appear, pounce on and show them  your documents. Now, they might be intimidating and scary. Don’t lose your cool when they say that you don’t look like the one who got married in the pics. Just smile silently. Once they do all the checks, they might ask priests or witness to testify. This is a normal process and involves a lot of visual insult and verbal patronizing but let it be. Happens yaar. You are not President of India. Chill.
  9. Once documents are verified, submit them to the office and wait. They might ask you again whether you got married properly. Just recite few mantras and shlokas to impress them. Don’t impress too much. Now the officer might wink at you. Wink means Chai-Paani. There is no need to do that. If you do serve Chai-Paani this list is useless. Please go see a doctor. If you want no corruption, just be down to Earth and polite and desperate. Few drops of tears to show your eagerness might help. Who knows. Now the officer will ask you the fee which ranges from Rupees 6 to Rupees 100. Again, if you have some jack, the officer will pay Rs. 6 from his/her own pocket. Otherwise people write a cheque or something and sigh.
  10. Keep waiting till your documents are approved and you get a certificate after few days. If you want it today itself, kindly regret because you don’t have any contacts.

Sigh. So this is the almost exact procedure. I had a contact but I didn’t know the person by face. So I asked one guy whether he knows this contact. He told me to go to some room. He himself was the contact but he never acknowledged. Talk about getting a certificate. All the best.

This is you
This is you

Well in Time Day Post

If you are ‘taken’ and reading this from your safe confine
Had a romantic candle lit night dine and topped it with wine so fine
Have just gifted her ring which has luster so bright, it shines
then buddy I think that you did the right thing, well in time.

Because if you have delayed it and still waiting for the right moment
you are surely outdone yourself, get prepared for some relentless torment
You’re going to get hounded like MSM media yells at Modi government
You will run high and dry and won’t get a breather, forget about chlormint.

Your friends your neighbors your cook your tailor
Your aunt your uncle your didi her Devar
Your teacher your peon your relatives ask you a favor
and your colleagues your dhobhi your barber and his shaver
and many more ask directly without being any clever
that when are you getting married, do it no, be braver
it is nothing, lose some slack, don’t be a saver
see this, meet her, say hi, arey at least crave her
you don’t have time left now, we will give you no waiver.

Look at them, they got married in a grand style last year
Uploaded 158 pics of the wedding, 200 pics of honeymoon, don’t jeer
Mostly blurry but rest were clear, taken from a distance and very near
they are happy so what if they have bloated and enhanced their rear
well we will be your seer and prophecise for you my dear
you have wasted so much time, stop lazying around change your gear
if you don’t you will rot soon, is our fear
what is this, why have you grown a beard
Y U NO understand, dress up nicely, wear this wear

Come let us go and meet this family
they are not that affluent but the girl is very pretty
Pretty she might be, but she is not of my affinity
What are you saying, what’s wrong with her, are you being witty?
Man, you’re aging now and reaching the escape velocity
remember, once you turn the draconian age of 30
you will get no one far and bloody no one in any city
OK, see another, she is not that nice, but family has never seen scarcity
NO? You are such a dumbass, soon you will have no pity
You have gone mad and you ought to be left alone away from this vicinity
OK, see another, she is so cool, it seems she has everything in her kitty
NO?, what an idiot you are, why do go into nitty-gritty?

Sigh, been driving down this road and now cannot take this load
Judging someone just in a meeting, makes me look like a tadpole toad
Will settle down some day eventually, why are you getting bored
I am trying you know, cannot like someone you showed
just like that, don’t have that switch mode
it is not some code which you can write and gloat
I am trying you know, working on it from tip to node
BharatMatrimonyJeevanSaathiShaadiSimpleMarry I tried but then tip-toed
That is again liking someone just by pictures you showed
I know the clock is ticking, but it is okay, I blowed,
It will happen or not happen, who cares, this is just an ode,
to my brain which is soon, about to explode.

Tick tock tick tock tick…