Writing Experiment Lab

Tag: Religion (page 1 of 1)

Dear Bhakts, we need to talk

Firstly let me break it to you –

THERE IS NO BHARAT MATA. Nopes.

She doesn’t exist. Get it? It is just a figure of speech. Alright?

How do you feel when I say that Bharat Mata doesn’t exist? Do you feel blood boiling? Feeling of rage? Urge to punch my face and take out some teeth? Edging towards feeling where you need to… err.. *gulp* behead me? If your answer to any of this is yes, then we need to talk.

Come sit here. Let’s have some fun. Now tell me, do you like this tag: Bhakts? I am guessing No. Normally Bhakt means anyone who is a believer. But this Bhakt means that someone who is a blind believer. So which kind of Bhakt are you? See, you have made this word sound so derogatory.

The one who believes that as a Nation should progress and everyone gets equally benefited? Or you the one who thinks that your… I mean our Savior, the Messiah, the one who can’t be named is the best and whatever is happening in our country is awesomesauce kind of good? If you are latter, then I feel sad for you. (Are you the one who sends all those Whatsapp messages which say that India’s National Anthem is #1 as per UNESCO?)

Of course, all those who voted for the present Union Government are not Bhakts. And those who stereotype everyone who occasionally applauds few rare good things (and probably ignores few really stupid things) are plain ignorant minds who draw their inspiration from parrots who just keep repeating things.

But then there are a lot of actual Bhakts who think their savior is here. And this is as true as Ganpati Idols drinking Milk. Do you know that you are overdoing it now? There is no need to keep reiterating that everyone who doesn’t say Bharat Mata ki Jai is some sort of a criminal and deserves to go to Pakistan or such. NO NEED. You can do fine without doing any of this drama. You needn’t go to everyone and make them shout this slogan. We are not at war against anyone. You are not standing on border with a gun and ready to pounce on the enemies. And you are not encouraging anyone by saying this as if one shouts ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ and everything falls into place and we become a Superpower. Also, WTF is a Superpower? Is it some sort of Divyashakti or Brahmaastra which will give us some edge over others that nobody else has and with it we can rule whole of the Solar System? Seriously. WHY DOES INDIA NEED TO BE A SUPERPOWER? We just need to do things right. Our things right! We just need to be good to everyone around us. And scare off those who scare us by strengthening our bonds. Slogans won’t help immediately. ‘Saare Jahan Se Achcha Hindostan Humara’. How? Other countries are not participating in this, is it? You just do your things right. It should be ‘Saare Jahan mein one of the best Hindostan Humara’. There surely are people in our country who don’t feel the same like you do. But that is OKAY. Happens everywhere, everytime. You can very well state your stance without poking flags into everyone’s face and challenge their views or standard definitions about patriotism. You need to chill. You are not a Nazi. Or favorite word Fascist. Are you? I am not going to lecture, nor I can, that showing patriotism is a matter of one’s choice, circumstances and context and there is absolutely no need to explicitly show off your patriotism. Please show your love for the country when it needs it. During a Sports Tournament when you are in a Stadium. Or when PM visits your middle east country if you happen to be slogging there. Or just do your job right. It doesn’t take that much. Stop making life of normal people awkward. Stop misusing the word patriotism and stop disrespecting the Saffron color by being its sole champion. Nowadays, it becomes more weird to see people coming to you with Saffron band on their head as compared to LinkedIn requests from your neighborhood aunties. You don’t need to do that. You want to show that you love your country, just be a part of M.O.D.I.

And I am not even going to say like everyone has said that “I say Bharat Mata ki Jai  all the time but you are overdoing it”, I will just say that you are making a mockery of yourself and overfeeding the media who loves this crap. I am just going to politely ask you to shut up and do the work assigned to you. Bharat Mata wants you to do that. Thanks.

P.S. I am sure you know that the header pic is a fake?

Why your political view is The Best or please spare me!

It takes a huge change of heart to accept your mistakes. You seldom come across people who can admit that they were wrong. I am not that person, generally. The secret of success according to my best-selling-if-published book of ‘How to be successful without doing much?’ is that you never admit you are wrong but successfully pass the blame on someone else.

But today is your lucky day, bro! Today, I am going to remove the spider webs on this abandoned blog place and admit that I’m mostly wrong.


I am wrong about my political alignments and religious beliefs. And you are right. Exactly, I concede that it was so stupid of me to believe something, which was totally off the course, wrong by a 1000 miles, incorrect by infinity on the negative side of iota and so on. I debated with some of you occasionally on some topics which were clearly wrong to begin with. I’m sure you already knew that I was putting forward my points (mostly illogical but a couple of them logical as well but clearly logical were way less than illogical) just for the sake of debating.  Yes, the person for whom I voted in elections, won’t do anything good at all. I thought while voting, one should be optimistic, but that is clearly the wrong thing to be. Optimism should be banned totally. Or wait, I might be wrong in asking for ban. Alright, you are the final word in being right in whatever you choose about optimism. When I rooted for one guy in the capital that he would be the revolutionary, we have all been waiting for. I was wrong again. Revolutionary? What is that in this age? Now when that guy turned out to be anything but revolutionary, I started believing that I was wrong earlier, but my wrong was wronged again because I was not only wrong initially but I am also currently wrong about the original wrong. That means, that guy is indeed revolutionary and I am again wrong to believe that he is not. So stupid of me, of course. Also, it was wrong of me to believe that judiciary is far and justice prevails. Of course, it prevails but only in those case when I say that justice hasn’t been done. Are you getting it?

Now, it is worthwhile to also admit that my religious beliefs are wrong. And yours are totally spot on. I mean it is wrong of me to assume that there is no destiny and only your efforts (multiply by some constant and environmental factors and probability of occurrence and a thing called chance) factor eventually. Of course I am totally wrong again. If your religious beliefs say that things happen this way or that, you are right.  I am also wrong to believe that God (I could be wrong and there might or might not be a God in fact) doesn’t care about my life because there are better things to worry about, so there is no need to pray and being selfish. But again, I am wrong. God (who can never be wrong), might actually have a plan perfectly laid out about my (and yours) life and if I recite some prayers, that God might uncheck some of the privileges from my life. Totally possible. So I would again concede my incorrect assumptions. Your belief and your God (sorry, our God), is the best and you are perfectly correct. We should all follow your definitions henceforth.

So from now on, please spare me with the gyaan about how wrong I am. I myself admitted that. Your belief and point of view is totally correct and I would follow that religiously from now on. Even if sometimes I might make sense, but let’s chuck that, you are right in the end. Let’s follow whatever you say.


I would conclude by saying (wrongly) that “I can agree with you, but then we both would be wrong” and then turn around and wink at the camera.

RSS Feed

Suppose you want to go and buy Shorts for yourself and you are particularly interested in buying Khakhi colored ones. You have to be pretty careful so that you don’t end up buying something which remotely resembles RSS’s style ‘nekar‘. Unless you actually want to.

For the uninitiated, RSS or Rashtriya Swyamsevak Sangh is a Non-Governmental-Organization in India which generally deals with terms like Nationalism, Hinduism and few other -isms. How much do you know about it, also defines your political leanings, according to some. Without going into too much nitty-gritty of its history, I would directly state my state of confusions with them as an organization and me as an Indian individual.

From what I know, RSS believes that India was, once upon a time, united from Afghanistan to Myanmar, popularly called ‘Akhand Bharat’. That time was when India was truly ‘Sone ki chidiya’ and it was the hub for education, science, culture and literature. When we were prosperous and gay, the other world, specifically Europe, was not as flourishing as it is today. There were still reeling under the ‘dark ages’ and far from being civilized under a common rule/government and mostly lived in tribes. RSS, also believes that since India has been invaded by foreign forces, namely Islamic armies of Central Asia and then Europeans sailors and eventually Britain, we have got corrupted, our cultures have been damaged, our literature has been burnt, our temples have been ransacked and many people who used to be ‘Hindus’ have been converted into Abrahamic religions by force or fear or bribery. Moreover, some people from within RSS and ideologically affiliated to them like Purshottam Nagesh Oak, have claimed that many palaces/mosques/forts currently in India, which appear to be made during Islamic rule, were mostly Hindu places and temples which were taken over and renovated as to look like they were the art works of rulers. The rulers who were mostly illiterate and more interested in vices instead of making Mahals for a pity thing called Love.

Apart from the above, they have felt strongly, that after the Independence, the governments, particularly Congress, have appeased the minority religions for personal gain, propagated false stories about India’s past and in turn, have made the people forget about their origins, their culture, their religion and their duty towards the nation. Thus, they have taken it upon themselves, the responsibility, to take India forward through a social movement, which might last centuries, towards the same glory days, Indians used to see before they were conquered. They call themselves, proudly I must add, ‘Hindu nationalists’. And they’re pretty serious about it.

Now let me be serious too. Here’s a little revelation: I come from a family of hardcore RSS supporting people. Both paternal and maternal family has had connections with them. My immediate to immediate ancestors were regulars to ‘Shakhas’ and they also truly believe in whatever RSS believes in. So, whatever I am today, that is borderline whatever-istically-nihilistic-ally-atheist-ically-still-a-Hindu some of my opinions have surely been influenced by my family. I have seen (didn’t read them all though) books which talk about the cultural corruption we Indians have gone through because of foreign invasions of about 1000 years. I have seen pictures in those books which interpreted from various Dan-Brown-Styled symbology studies that most of the so-called Hindu-Islamic architecture was a clever copy paste job of Islamic symbols over the already existent palaces/temples to make them look like they were freshly erected during their era. PN Oak was the forerunner of this cause where he propagated and preached about his findings that govt. is just appeasing the minority to garner votes and keeping the public little confused and mostly fooled. Keeping the general public under a bit of inferiority will help the government to rule without much opposition for a longer duration of time. And he believed in certain other things too, along with the other people from that organization, that India was the epitome of everything before the conquests happened. Our science was supreme. We knew plastic surgery (you might have read about Sushrutha). We excelled in Ayurveda and Yoga. Our languages like Sanskrit had a heavy influence on the Europe and Western World. And this influence is so much that I will just throw some words and their English names: Caspian Sea – Kashyap Sagar, Mexico – Makshik (Copper and Iron Pyrite mineral which is Silver-Gold in color. Also, Mexico has several Silver Mines), Vatican – Vatika (Swamy39 will confirm), Anatomy – Anaatmi, and you already know it Taj Mahal – Tejomahalaya, etc. There is also a theory that there is a Shivling under Mecca. (Hehe) Well, I know about Proto Indo Aryan Languages and their evolution/spread/impact but I am still stating what RSS believes in without any bias. Apart from that, I myself have seen mutilated idols at many places, like Qutub Minar and Hampi’s temples to name a few. Now, if you have read all of the above (kya baat!), you would assume that I am one of those Virat Internet Hindoos who wear Saffron colored bands across the foreheads and flash small trishuls or something whenever enraged and bark at anyone when they make slight hint of fun of Hinduism and Modi Ji. Well, I am not. Yes, I am not.

Let me tell you that I have never myself attended any ‘Shakha’. I have never been asked to do so, by my supposedly RSS affiliated hardcore family. Instead they have encouraged me to be curious and ask questions about things I didn’t understand. I have never been asked or forcefully dragged to any temple. In my family it self, there have been close to zero restrictions on womenfolk for doing anything. There are of course cries of discomfort when one got late but that was same for everyone and more related to discipline than anything. I was made aware about the interpretations of history, that it mostly favors the winner. In spite of being Hindu Brahmins who happen to be actual priests at many temples, literally, I have never been told to attend any pooja, do fasts and there have been absolutely no insistence on learning any Bhajan.

Now I have few confusions in my mind about what RSS is and what people assume it to be since always and more so after 2014 General elections, everyone has been divided everyone into Left Wings, Right Wings, No Wings and whatever wing groups. From what I know, RSS is essentially a patriotic bunch of people who indulge in 2 things. One that is more popular in the media that they go overboard and claim things which cannot be proven easily about great achievements of our great country. Second, which gets nominal attention, that they also volunteer in social causes like Blood Donations, setting up disaster management camps and provide food and shelter to people in times of floods, draughts, etc. Some people who take RSS’s ideology on face value take pride in things Indians did without knowing anything. These are the same people who forward you mails/messages which say ‘Forward this to 15 people or bad luck is around the corner’. Now when we have understood the purpose of RSS, that is to keep the jwala of Patriotism, the love for the country and its people, there are many elements within RSS who speak more than they should and become Moral & Cultural Police. Their job is to just teach about what they think is wrong in this country. They have no right to act on the ideology physically. People are mature enough to understand that and if they are not, educate people. Since your interpretation is something, others have their own interpretations. Hostility won’t do good to anyone. Second, I don’t know what my political ideology is. Whether I am a Right Wing because I praised Modi for few things or whether I am left wing as I checked my symptoms online on a website which tells you what you are through some quizzes. For RSS, they can do their job as long as they want but they must understand that cultural mishaps of our country happened for various reasons and not all the mishaps have been bad. The rich fusion we now have is not bad at all. The patriotism they take pride in, sometimes becomes Xenophobia and thinking becomes one-dimensional which helps nobody. There are some people who find patriotism itself a waste of time, so it clearly proves that our society is full of various exclusive notions and opinions. Putting everyone in same bracket and covering everyone under same umbrella won’t do. More so, if you think some damage has been done to out culture, it would take centuries to gain back that glory, if there was as much as you believe. (And I guess you already know that and already on it). Another thing, most of the leader you have are bald, old and look like they didn’t get proper breakfast in the morning. You guys also need to chill a bit. Bring fresher faces, who know what they are talking about. Show things you believe in with proper conviction and remove those voices which talk about divide, rather than course correction, if it is required.

Concluding, what my family told me and what I usually see on news, don’t coincide always. RSS will continue to work as a brotherhood and some people will just hate them as they think they are regressive. I guess, they are not regressive but their methods aren’t updated well enough with modern times. RSS should not be custodian of so called Indian culture but just a guiding light, as BJP claims it to be. And people should be free to follow or unfollow them.

P.S.: Apology for the overcooked over-roasted overdone title.

Some recommended reading stuff:

  1. RSS chief Mohan Bhagwat asks why all inhabitants of Hindustan are not known as Hindus http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-rss-chief-mohan-bhagwat-asks-why-all-inhabitants-of-hindustan-are-not-known-as-hindus-2009725
  2. A Shorts History http://www.livemint.com/Opinion/BZ9SU3VsTDLTSwmeDIWlzO/Dj-View–A-shorts-history.html
  3. A bit of Apbransh (अपभ्रंश) study http://www.encyclopediaofauthentichinduism.org/articles/30.2.htm

Too Long, Don't Read

So 2015 has finally arrived and January is almost over. No idea what is the hurry. I mean it was barely 2010 few years ago and now this decade is almost half over. Anyways, these year numbers are man-made and there won’t be any year or any number after sometime. Remember, Sun will engulf you eventually.

I have posted some scattered views of mine about religion in few posts in the past. I have never been the religious kind and apart from being superstitious about certain clothing items as they were more comfortable, I am not a believer of superstitions either. I rarely go to any temple, and that too because I had to accompany someone else. But I ‘did’ believe that someone up there is watching my actions and acting on that by rewarding or punishing me. However, my checklist of believing in that started fading few years ago and more recently, most of the remaining points got ticked off as QA failed. Recently I spent time in reading stuff and watching videos which helped a great deal in understanding what is wrong with our worldview about God and religion (whats right is the holidays https://abloquacitylab.wordpress.com/2014/04/15/confusionism/). Some of the stuff range from George Orwell’s 1984 to South Park, from George Carlin to Christopher Hitchens (What a man!) to Sam Harris and even a bit of Richard Dawkins and from RSS to RSS.

Before anything else, I would like to put some thought for 1984 novel. It is said to be about a dystopian era where Govt. has a check on everything an individual does and ‘thinks’. While it is generally considered a word about Communist style of government (and even the Church), I think it is more related to the Theism than anything else. Big Brother or God is watching over you. You cannot question the authority. You cannot even think of stepping out because Godmen or the government will find about your thoughtcrime and punish you for it. There is a word for it: Blasphemy. Je suis Charlie is alright as long there is nobody pointing a gun towards your head.

Coming back, there have been various factors behind me being pushed at the intersection of the venn diagrams of Atheism and believing and even being agnostic. Some of them are plain truths of life, some are untimely deaths of people who were dear and then there were news events such as killing of school kids in Peshawar which tend to tick off points faster.

Through this post, I am trying to align or address my views in a systematic format (partially inspired from http://whatho.in/2014/08/16/things-i-believe-in/)

  1. You’re not special. Nope. You hold as much importance in the world as much as an ant does. You do fit in a larger scheme of things to keep things going but if you’re removed, someone else will take your place. If you do good at the tasks assigned to you, that’s a bonus. If you don’t, there is no point in wasting time over regretting as time is irreversible. And the only thing constant, apart from speed of light, is change. You should, however, keep trying to raise your skills and thereby living standards because who doesn’t want to buy things we don’t actually need.
  2. If possible, try to save your surroundings (which include land, animals and plants) as much as you can. By this I mean, try to be vegetarian. If you can’t, it is okay as taste > life of another organism. Now when it comes to comparing life of another organism to life of plants, all I can say is that to live you have to consume living things which include plant. If possible, you can minimize the damage by eating just plants and not animals with plants. But nobody can force you. If you like to eat non-veg, please keep doing so. Just don’t tell vegetarians that they eat ghaas-foos because your non-veg won’t taste any good without that ghaas-foos.
  3. Continuing on saving the surroundings, minimize use of leather because it involves killing of animals. And killing of animals is (bad, mkay?) required because science has made enough progress that we know how to cook (and not hunt), and how to cultivate (and not kill) and what to wear (not animal skin). Still, if you like, wear fur, leather, whatever.
  4. Karm or Karma is nothing but Newton’s 3rd law. For each of your actions, you can expect a reaction. But, for some of your efforts, you might not get the equal reaction because you are not the only one making efforts. There is nothing like if you do good now, you will get lifetime achievement award later in life. No. There is no guarantee.
  5. You need not please God for getting things in return. God is you yourself and the other voice in your head which tells you what is right morally and what is wrong legally. Act on it and follow the only mantra of life: Live & Let Live. Also, don’t preach but if you think you are right, you can put across your opinion, like I am doing. And I may be wrong.
  6. Since by birth and by tradition, I am a Hindu and Hinduism allows a certain degree of atheism (unlike some other religions, mostly Abrahmic), I will continue to write Hindu in the forms, to please my people. But my opinion has now been affirmed which will take another ‘Resurrection’ sort of miracle to change.
  7. Don’t preach. Keep your belief to yourself but it is never wrong to speak what you think.

P.S: There are certain things which happened to our (still not the perfect heaven) country (and religion) over the years which divided the people somehow. For instance, during the times, religion was more of a way of life than motivation to kill others, people from other places invaded us, looted our property and damaged our buildings. And, they also brought various cultures and good things which make India what it is today, an amalgamation of numerous religions, dialects, colors, faces and many problems.So change is welcome, violence is not. This was again motivated by religion in a way. Well, this is a topic I would touch later when I write about RSS and Nationalism, so this post ends here. I hope you didn’t read it. Good.

No News Day

Nothing happened today. No news. Zilch. Of course, usual life carried on. People went for work. Unemployed people didn’t but they don’t anyways. No big event occurred. No hate speech happened. There was sudden dearth of stupid remarks. Some people did speak their mind but nobody heard them so it was alright. There were no weddings. There were some divorces and they were settled peacefully. People obviously cried but that was just a stress reliever. No protests happened, no cease fire violation happened. Nobody died in any accident. None. There was usual traffic at most places and occasional jams at deadlocks. People took them for granted and didn’t show their anger anywhere, neither on the road, nor on Twitter. Some cars got into accidental-y situation and almost collided too but both the drivers were so busy in their own affairs, they thought shouting at the other won’t improve the driving skills, so there wasn’t any point. No celebrity of importance died. Some people did die though. Those who died, died of natural causes, so nobody gave much whimper except their families and close friends, some of whom were, sort of, relieved. No loot happened so security guards spent their day mostly snoring, but acting as if they are fully awake and active. No rape happened. It was indeed surprising but may be it was the arrangement of planets that made sure nobody got insane. No killing happened. Neither in the name of God or language or money or anything. May be the perpetrators’ alarm got into some mess thanks to some seismic activity which geologists failed to capture and they now must be wondering what day it is. Cartoonists took the day off and spent the day by watching at blank TV screens.

Most of the people didn’t pay any heed to the lack of happenings around, but it was a very dull and long day for news channels, newspapers and news websites. They were restless for most of the afternoon but eventually someone had a brilliant spark, which spreaded from one agency to the other and they all published their news of no news. The newspapers published 28 blank pages, with ads of course. The news channels made way for news about TV shows of last weeks and the news websites listed 20 point lists without any content. It was as if they were just hitting enter after every bullet points and eventually got bored after 20 points, randomly.

So today, nothing happened.


You may say I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

– John Lennon, Imagine (1971)

Confusionism

It is slightly difficult being an Atheist, I feel. Without enraging a lot of people, one cannot follow/unfollow what one wants, when one wants, religion-wise. Personally, I do think there’s a higher (or lower but what is up and down) power which somehow controls things to avoid falling into one another but I also think that for the higher power, I am equally important as the electric poles which are used by dogs. So I am confused about the category of my religious inclination towards something I don’t understand.

In few years I will be reaching 30. Sigh. (And you’re not getting any younger either by the way, so don’t smirk). And since I can conclude that I have lived at least 1/3rd of my life already, I have become more confused than clear about the concept of religion. Too much Breaking Bad, South Park, Game of Thrones and real life examples of dwindling morals seen in the trailing part of 20s did me in. I decided that I am now going to question my beliefs and ask questions, wherever possible. Except Quora as I mostly see joke answers there now.

It was observed that most of the beliefs I had (as a Hindu) are just because of traditions. Since it is traditionally been followed since years, we have to follow it. May be they started as suggestions to keep people disciplined and that was that. But now people follow them just following the herd mentality. Don’t get haircut on Tuesday. Why? May be in the Vedas, it was mentioned that barbers had an off day on Tuesday which turned to a superstition eventually. Don’t eat certain things in Navratra and other times, it is alright to do anything. Moreover, I don’t feel like pleasing Gods to get things done for myself. What is the need to bribe God through praying? God is like your traffic police, is it? Going to temples is anyways not a necessity in my religion (yes seriously) because if God is omnipresent, he/she can directly understand what you’re thinking anyways. And how selfish are you to ask things from God again and again? Not a good habit. Religions have mostly led to hatred and illogical debates which pleased nobody except the politicians. It has always created divide and disharmony among humans, isn’t it? Morality and religion need not coincide and as Rust Cohle says ‘If the only thing keeping a person decent is the expectation of divine reward then, brother, that person is a piece of shit.’.

But then important question is that what is the need of religion. Why do we need to be tethered to a religion to keep ourselves grounded?

There are so many advantages of Religion as well, aren’t there? The advantages outnumber the disadvantages? Let me try to list them and see.

1. Stress Buster 
When one is down and out (because of traffic and life in general) and have nobody around to share, a shoulder to care (for the rhymes), a temple be it of any religion can be a great place for solace. The silence there can cure stress better than paying loads of cash at some Ashram++ to detox yourself. Oh, Internet works in that case too by the way. (I should mention that I don’t support the culture of preaching and loud speakers reciting parody songs at religious places.)

2. Underground Bunkers 
When wars happen, places of worship are spared for sometime (I may be wrong) because most of the non-atheists fears God. So that place can be safer than the rest. Unless of course the war is itself religion based. In that case, build an underground bunker and stay there for minimum 18 days and don’t come out even if I say it is safe to come out.

3. Holiday Planning 
But the best part about religion are the Holidays and the Festivals. We get at max 10 official holidays, 3 of which happened to be Secular (read Indian National) holidays. Now as an atheist, what right do I have to ask for such Holidays. I once wished someone Happy Diwali on Whatsapp and the reply I got was ‘Happy Holiday’. Anyways, if we followed more than one religion, we would enjoy a lot more. With religious holidays comes great sweets and other eatables. And the purpose of life is to relish those sweets, isn’t it? The buildup to these festivals is exciting in itself. Who cares that why the festival is celebrated. Important is that it is celebrated and we get a chance pollute environment and waste water! If Crime is done as a religious belief, everything is spared, right? But getting holidays is always welcome, isn’t it?

We have to decide ourselves whether we want long weekends or unnecessary stress because we didn’t fast on Karwachauth.

P.S.: Don’t confuse the title with Confucianism but may be they’re confused too. Ooh.

An Open Letter to Humans from God

God's own hands

Ssup AB and ssup ma homies! \m/

So duude, new jwob and all! Howzzat? Any interestwing colleague there, haan? Haan? *nudge* Hehe. Wait, let me chlear my throat.. *spitting out Paan Bahar Crystal*

Ah yes, so how is our Planet Earth mate? Nature-wise looks okayish to me. Oh of course, you people have tried to act Godly by changing its face from some places but its okay. It is going to take me only few whistles and claps to clean up that mess. Well dude, I am writing this letter to humanity after a long time since I interacted with them. Last time we talked when I had said that I won’t be playing ODIs anymore. But my issue of outrage is slightly older. Please pardon my French but I am effing angry. Angry since last thousands of years or so. Bro, even before your greatest grandfathers were even born, I had given you a religion already called Science. Looks like some of your folks became atheist after you got bored with Science. Fools I say. Anyways, it is my mistake only. I should have interrupted earlier but then I thought, who cares man! Like cute Dinosaurs got wiped off, you people will drown or burn up too eventually but heh, you want to do it yourself only. Dei! Heh, sorry, I learnt that ‘Dei’ thingy from Twitter. Chalo, you forgot Science is okay but what’s this shit of worshiping me and all? Agreed, that I am God and I created all this life and all levels in this but what you think, by worshiping me, you will get a 1Up in this life itself aa? Mark my words, YOLO. True story.

Fellas, I had shared some text messages with you, if you remember. Oh of course you do, you scoundrels! Yeah you may call them your holy books, I don’t give a damn ’bout it. Now tell me, where had I written in that that you can make your own interpretations out of it? What I meant was crystal clear that the sole motive of your existence on this planet is to help your fellow homies. You wanted to develop, I allowed. You wanted to make places of worship for me, I allowed. You wanted to feed me sweets and salted rice, I welcomed. Even though I am lactose intolerant but I still drank your milk shake. But when did I tell you to make that other human dude chant my name because you chant mine? Please tell me. Man, I am not that cheap and selfish, okay? When did I ask you to divide yourself taking my name and get enslaved by those firangis. (psst! heh, yeah bro I am pro-India *wink*. I have most of my connections with your country only. Why? Arrey, because you are able to hold up all the kinds of people who worship my lookalikes. At least on paper. How? Don’t ask How to God. Ever. Okay? See, if I had not been pro-India, you people would have drowned inside the soil itself. That’s how difficult to handle you people are.)

Now this is latest I am hearing nowadays, that many people are getting more and more Outraged daily over issues taking my name. People issuing, what do you call it? Yeah, Fatwas and all? Idiots, if two female people from your clan are good at singing, let them sing no? Because, out of their 50 songs, they are going to write one or two praising me too. What’s your problem with that? What’s this nonsense of distributing Trishuls for defence. FYI, trishul only one guy can use. Me. And that too has a  musical instrument attached to it. Means, I am all gaga for music. I made you in all varieties of shapes and sizes and in different colors. But I think I kept one thing common, that is the love for music. You cannot stop music and people trying to entertain others via music. Music is the only thing which you can delve in to make me happy. I ain’t need your temples, mosques, churches, etc. I ain’t need your food. I ain’t need to be dipped into the water you people release your wastes into. I just want you to create music. For me and for other folks down there.

I also need to understand that what made the male humans out of you believe that you are superior or something? Kindly note that if I made you physically stronger, it will take me a wink only to make all of you men lose your manhood. And I also have a list of diseases ready for you men only. I had made you stronger to win wars because wars are cool. ‘The bomb is at Point B. Roger that’. How cool is this! But you are not understanding it seems. Stop this shit right here or I will stop your shit and then you will cry.

Consider this as my last warning because if you keep indulging in harassing others using my name, I will layeth the smackdown on you soon.

Oh yeah dude, Why did I choose this blog to write an open letter to Le humanity? I chose this blog for only 2-3 people read this and that’s how I work, right? Right! You people think that only 2-3 people are there who can help you to come out of sorrow. Which is utterly wrong. You and only you can do good for yourself. And you don’t worry about the language I am using here. It is still better than your ‘I only wryte lyk dis b’coz itz cool lyk nething’. Ok, I think this is it. I need to drink up some beer now because you know I am the ‘High’-er power. heh. Kidding, I am a vegetarian teetotaler only. O }:-)

Take care mate.

– Le God *wink*

P.S.: Paan Bahar Crystal is apparently the world’s most expensive Paan Masala, obviously not for you mortal souls.

P.P.S.: What’s ‘Oh *my* God’? It is always ‘Oh *Our* God’. You people are same only from inside. Mindless idiots.