An Open Letter to Humans from God

God's own hands

Ssup AB and ssup ma homies! \m/

So duude, new jwob and all! Howzzat? Any interestwing colleague there, haan? Haan? *nudge* Hehe. Wait, let me chlear my throat.. *spitting out Paan Bahar Crystal*

Ah yes, so how is our Planet Earth mate? Nature-wise looks okayish to me. Oh of course, you people have tried to act Godly by changing its face from some places but its okay. It is going to take me only few whistles and claps to clean up that mess. Well dude, I am writing this letter to humanity after a long time since I interacted with them. Last time we talked when I had said that I won’t be playing ODIs anymore. But my issue of outrage is slightly older. Please pardon my French but I am effing angry. Angry since last thousands of years or so. Bro, even before your greatest grandfathers were even born, I had given you a religion already called Science. Looks like some of your folks became atheist after you got bored with Science. Fools I say. Anyways, it is my mistake only. I should have interrupted earlier but then I thought, who cares man! Like cute Dinosaurs got wiped off, you people will drown or burn up too eventually but heh, you want to do it yourself only. Dei! Heh, sorry, I learnt that ‘Dei’ thingy from Twitter. Chalo, you forgot Science is okay but what’s this shit of worshiping me and all? Agreed, that I am God and I created all this life and all levels in this but what you think, by worshiping me, you will get a 1Up in this life itself aa? Mark my words, YOLO. True story.

Fellas, I had shared some text messages with you, if you remember. Oh of course you do, you scoundrels! Yeah you may call them your holy books, I don’t give a damn ’bout it. Now tell me, where had I written in that that you can make your own interpretations out of it? What I meant was crystal clear that the sole motive of your existence on this planet is to help your fellow homies. You wanted to develop, I allowed. You wanted to make places of worship for me, I allowed. You wanted to feed me sweets and salted rice, I welcomed. Even though I am lactose intolerant but I still drank your milk shake. But when did I tell you to make that other human dude chant my name because you chant mine? Please tell me. Man, I am not that cheap and selfish, okay? When did I ask you to divide yourself taking my name and get enslaved by those firangis. (psst! heh, yeah bro I am pro-India *wink*. I have most of my connections with your country only. Why? Arrey, because you are able to hold up all the kinds of people who worship my lookalikes. At least on paper. How? Don’t ask How to God. Ever. Okay? See, if I had not been pro-India, you people would have drowned inside the soil itself. That’s how difficult to handle you people are.)

Now this is latest I am hearing nowadays, that many people are getting more and more Outraged daily over issues taking my name. People issuing, what do you call it? Yeah, Fatwas and all? Idiots, if two female people from your clan are good at singing, let them sing no? Because, out of their 50 songs, they are going to write one or two praising me too. What’s your problem with that? What’s this nonsense of distributing Trishuls for defence. FYI, trishul only one guy can use. Me. And that too has a  musical instrument attached to it. Means, I am all gaga for music. I made you in all varieties of shapes and sizes and in different colors. But I think I kept one thing common, that is the love for music. You cannot stop music and people trying to entertain others via music. Music is the only thing which you can delve in to make me happy. I ain’t need your temples, mosques, churches, etc. I ain’t need your food. I ain’t need to be dipped into the water you people release your wastes into. I just want you to create music. For me and for other folks down there.

I also need to understand that what made the male humans out of you believe that you are superior or something? Kindly note that if I made you physically stronger, it will take me a wink only to make all of you men lose your manhood. And I also have a list of diseases ready for you men only. I had made you stronger to win wars because wars are cool. ‘The bomb is at Point B. Roger that’. How cool is this! But you are not understanding it seems. Stop this shit right here or I will stop your shit and then you will cry.

Consider this as my last warning because if you keep indulging in harassing others using my name, I will layeth the smackdown on you soon.

Oh yeah dude, Why did I choose this blog to write an open letter to Le humanity? I chose this blog for only 2-3 people read this and that’s how I work, right? Right! You people think that only 2-3 people are there who can help you to come out of sorrow. Which is utterly wrong. You and only you can do good for yourself. And you don’t worry about the language I am using here. It is still better than your ‘I only wryte lyk dis b’coz itz cool lyk nething’. Ok, I think this is it. I need to drink up some beer now because you know I am the ‘High’-er power. heh. Kidding, I am a vegetarian teetotaler only. O }:-)

Take care mate.

– Le God *wink*

P.S.: Paan Bahar Crystal is apparently the world’s most expensive Paan Masala, obviously not for you mortal souls.

P.P.S.: What’s ‘Oh *my* God’? It is always ‘Oh *Our* God’. You people are same only from inside. Mindless idiots.

Dear Dr. Anjali, Why Sachin Should Not retire now!

Hello Anjali Tendulkar Ji,

I hope you are doing good, ahem, unlike your husband, err, no offence, as compared to his usual standards I mean. And what do I call you? Anjali Didi, Anjali Bhabhi or Anjali Aunty or let me call you Dr. Anjali, simply.

See Dr. Anjali, you all know him better than all of us, why does he adjust his abdominal guard every time before facing a delivery? Heh. Sorry. I mean you know what he goes through every time he comes to bat. More than a million people have already written that he carries the burden of billions of Indians who want him to perform every time he is out there in the middle. That pressure which he handles is enormous and no way anyone can even imagine. Still what he has achieved for the Country and himself is mind blowing. So no point writing about it again. This letter mainly focuses on the growing voices telling him to retire and all.

This ongoing CB Series is not going well for the Indian team as a whole. Sachin being a part of the team cannot be spared. When he was performing well say all his life and lately in the Cricket World Cup, everybody was quiet. And now when he is struggling, people are making jokes about him. Ex-cricketers who have nothing else to do other than giving expert comments are asking him to retire and hang his boots. Hanging boots might be difficult for him owing to his height but I also think that he should get retired. See the Aussies, they have all retired on a high note. Since I started watching Cricket, I saw Mark Taylor saying bye bye at the time he was brilliantly in form. Waugh Bros, Michael Bevan, Glenn McGrath, Mathhew Hayden and even Shane Warne bid adieu at the correct time. The best example remains Adam Gilchrist. These people will remain great. But, this Ricky Ponting, who is second only to the one who happens to be your husband tried to stick around. But Cricket Australia, the second strictest organization after the Nazis, dropped him and hence he had to say goodbye to ODIs disgracefully.

On the other hand, Indian Cricket has been sluggish when it comes to have an exit policy for the players. As far as I can remember, only Anil Kumble hung his boots at the correct time. All others have hung around. One of the best Captains we had ever, Saurav Ganguly, who played the most key role in shaping the team around the last decade so as to enable it to win the world cup under Dhoni, had the most shameful exit ever. Even the IPL franchisee didn’t want to bet on him. So, every voice from every nook and corner of the world wants your husband to retire NOW. Even I want the same.

But, see Dr. Anjali, if he retires now, history will be written. It will say, even though Sachin was, is and will be the greatest ever Batsman we could have, but during the end of his career, he was made to step down and not that he himself quit. It will be a small but visible blotch in his illustrative career. See, making 100 hundreds or one lesser won’t diminish his image. I cannot suggest anything to him as I am a nobody, but you can ask him to continue and keep all the allegations/advises/comments aside. I want you to tell him to go on and hit not just 1 but 10 more centuries and shut the critics up. I want you to make him believe, which he already knows, just that if you tell him, he will agree more, that if he quits when he is needed the best, I feel, his greatness, which needs no evidence to be proved, will increase many folds. Obviously we will miss the lofty cut over the 3rd man for six, the straight drive no mortal can play, the cover drive which goes faster than the Ravi’s tracer bullet cutting it in to pieces, the six over the long on which makes Shane Warne nights miserable but at least we will be slightly more happy to see him end on a high.

I have already promised to name my son Sachin, if I have a son and if the wifey (if I get married) agrees, I want you to tell him to stay.

Thank you Dr. Anjali, I hope your husband shuts up the critics one more time, for the last time though.

Still a believer that SachinIsGod.