That's Traffic!

Bangalore: The Garden City or the City of Bangalore (Bengaluru) has known to be a harbinger in many aspects as far India is concerned. While people in rest of India were still looking up in the sky in order to irrigate their crops with rain water, people in Bangalore were thinking ways of loosening up the pockets of people in USA who were looking for cheap labor, thus making itself the Silicon Valley of India. Bangalore became the first city in India to get electricity. It was the first City to get an Internet Service Provider and similarly, it has been the first to achieve things, other cities could only dream of achieving.

Not Silkbaord
Silkboard, as rendered from a commuter's dream while sleeping on the traffic signal.

While Bangalore was still in its nappy as in infancy, after the British had left, it gradually became Pensioner’s Paradise. Army Personnel and other retired people got shifted to Bangalore because of its delightful climate and peaceful environment. The city boasted of many gardens from which it bears the nickname ‘The Garden City’. This concept of making the city Garden-like, though, had some ill-effects which could have not been thought by the people then. As garden has narrow walkways, the architects of the city thought of playing a practical joke with the future residents of the city by making the main roads and streets as narrow as possible. Their vision of future Bangalore was as narrow as the possible and so they kept up with the legacy of being the first city to make narrow roads with heaviest traffic.

In a recent study, it was found that the traffic running on the roads of Bangalore is so slow because of pathetic traffic condition that even atomic clocks are finding it difficult to measure the speed. Chief Assistant of Bangalore Development Authority’s youngest son’s Girlfriend who also happens to be a team member of the research organization Search for Lethargic Objects WorldWide or S.L.O.W. told us that they came up with the speeds of lowest objects on this planet and surprisingly   they found that Bangalore traffic is slower than the slowest of the slowest things possible. While it takes 1 minute for a snail to travel 1 cm, it takes hours for a vehicle to even shake a bit to be measured. Turtle, Sloth all travel faster than the Bangalore Traffic. In some weird cases it was observed that it might take more than to deliver a baby from conception than crossing an important junction of the city called as ‘Silk Board’.  Of course we are talking about the gestation period of Eastern quoll of Australia and not humans. Though she added that it might be unjust to compare living entities with the speed of traffic. So, she showed the stats and figures that proved that even the Indian Postal Service can be called lightening fast when compared to BT. Atal Bihari Vajpayee, the former Prime Minister of the country, was known to complete his speech in lesser time as compared to time taken to cross Brigade Road on a vehicle.

Another series of experiments like time taken for ketchup to drip completely from a bottle was compared with the time taken to cross the Marathalli bridge, the time taken to login to Airtel’s Website was compared with the time taken to cross the Graphite India red light signal in Whitefield, the duration of an Ashutosh Govarikar movie was compared to the time taken in turning towards NGV from Forum Mall in Kormangala showed the same story that everything other than the traffic moved faster.

Initially, the study suggested that there are only pockets of city where the air is thicker as compared to the rest of the city. Thus, the viscosity of the air makes travel difficult. But then it was soon realized when the device used to measure viscosity viscometers didn’t reach at all the places because of the traffic itself and they had to be returned back. They were on rent, for your information.  The traffic police was not shy in poking fun at the fate of the people who travel on Bangalore roads by creating an outrageous upper limit of 60 KMPH for all vehicles. Demonstrations were held at Freedom Park against this inhumane sarcasm on the part of the traffic police. Though the demonstrations were not attended by much as they were stranded and stuck at traffic lights at various parts of the city so they were called off soon. To add to the fun, the BDA decided to start as many as 6 flyovers, underpasses on Outer Ring Road where there is basically no need but since they had extra money so no one complained.

To help the commuters from this draconian task of travelling on the roads, Namma Metro was devised and after spending millions of Rupees, the services finally started between places where there was no need of metro.

Finally, the research came to a conclusion that Bangalore can be a perfect spot for testing the Einstein Theory of Time Dilation as people travelling in other cities as compared to those who were on the roads of Bangalore tend to age quicker. Therefore, once again, living up with the tradition, Bangalore has been named as the first slow-motion city of India.

– An Agent Foobar’s Exclusive.

Minimal Movie Posters – The Burning Train

And once more, so probably you know that I am here to stay… [hopefully]

The Burning Train
The Burning Train

More on and waiting for contributions from others.

P.S.: The destination might be a little tricky but it is just a fan art so any mistake is minimal too on a minimal poster anyways. No?


She clicked the link and the page started to download. As soon as something legible appeared on the screen, her eyes lit up like the laptop screen which brightens up when the charger is plugged into it for charging. After all, she was on this site after ages. (In modern era, ‘ages’ is actually in the order of hours spent on the Internet. Suppose you are away from Twitter for about 3.5 hours in a day, you are away since ages. Trending topics change man!) By those standards, it was probably eons ago. Or even more. Her heart was beating as if she was in the bottom 3 or the danger zone in a reality show elimination episode, where everything is fixed but still they have to show restlessness and few tears from at least one eye. The anticipation regarding the webpage was so high that she was getting colored dreams about it since the day he mentioned that he will be back in the business soon.

But a part of her was angry. Very angry. Even angrier than Kalaignar when Kanimozhi was arrested. Though I don’t think he can express his anger through his physical appearance. (Kindly note the effective use of Tamil words to attract people from all over India.) Anyways, she was angry because he always promised that this time it’s going to be consistent. This time it is going to be better. This time it is going to be this and that and what not. But it never did. He had been regularly irregular since 2010 like the MS Windows Copy Dialog Box which says 10 minutes remaining and then no… no… Wait… only 10 seconds remaining… and again he… he… 30 minutes remaining… Bazinga!

And then she started reading the blog post. On this new template and newer URL. With the newer-er but weirdly sounding name. Another weird funda it seems, she thought. But she loved it. She loved the HTML and CSS which she couldn’t see directly but she did a CTRL+U to admire the beauty, if any. She loved the header, the simplicity in the sidebar, the dull grey color and the title. She loved the words that appeared on the screen too. She had already decided that she is going to bookmark this location by clicking that start-type button up there and keep coming to the site whenever new stuff gets published. Mother promise. She didn’t know much about Feeds but she was sure that she will subscribe to it. If needed, hunt him down this time if he abstained from this task and make him write again. And since then, because of you dear reader, he is blogging happily ever after.

I am assuming that you felt something similar. If you didn’t, it is OK.

Nostalgia. Sniff.

P.S.: Hello beloved readers! I am back. Again. Yep. Hi-5! Till now, if I am able to count, I have come back so many times, that I should be renamed as someone from the clan of ‘Backlog’. I have been making and killing blogs (Y2A Slog, Hitwicked, AB’s Web Log) so religiously that actually I am enjoying this now. But, that is not my fault entirely. Y2A Slog got killed because it deserved it. I mean it was too immature but it was honest. I thought I will keep blogging on Hitwicked but it became more of a Devdas blog and I am a teetotaler so it didn’t go good with my style and it was honest as well, honestly. Then I moved on to Posterous (which is run by an Indian (ethnically) guy who used to work in Apple. Brilliant!) But those people don’t allow JavaScript as if JavaScript was taboo. Apple mentality probably. Although it’s not like that I cannot breathe without JavaScript but as compared to WordPress, Posterous looks so preposterous and miser types. Handling comments on Posterous was BORING. But for my loyal fans (who forgot to comment on last few posts of mine, but that’s okay keeping in mind you have a life too, what if it starts and ends online) I have imported all my readable posts, except those who bring embarrassment, to this blog. So YOU CAN READ ALL OF THEM right here on this very blog. Yes!

Though this time, I am not going to promise anything. And No-More-Hello-World-Posts as well. I might be regular, I might be irregular here. Blogging is one thing I never took seriously in life like a few people around take it. Of course I am joking, as when I was really into blogging, day and night I was thinking of things to write. But I never had a plan. I just sat to write and words started to flow (Everyone says so, though). Whereas, they researched on their posts and spent hours in drafting one. Wrote hajjar words and then proof-read it hajjar x 2 times till every word was shining and drool-worthy. I am talking about the big-guns and not you, obviously. And I was as serious as Google when they come up with some Social Networking site when it came to topics to write upon. But I like writing. I like to express myself through these blog posts and also aspire to get huge female fan following. And some networking with males as well, professional only.

When I see my ‘draft’ posts, their number crosses well over 40, so I take it as my moral responsibility to make them into… ahem… readable posts so that my loyal readers can read them. I hope there are still some people who have the audacity to read something over 140 characters. This goes for them. Muaaah.

General Reaction. I know. (Photo Courtesy: No idea. Downloaded long long back.)

Thus, without the already ado-ed ado, I think I am back. And I am thinking of making a category named ‘I-Am-Back’ in it to handle this coming and going drama.