FU News: Human Neck to get longer, evolution study reports

Oct 11, 2020 – Tawang, India

In a throat grabbing study published by the unscientific group ‘Evolution World Wide’ (aka Eww), it was noted that the next version of Humans will have longer necks, as long as evolution stays as a fact.

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Local MLA feeling neglected due to US Elections

Octo 4 2020; FU News Correspondent, Goa, India

Local MLA has shared his utter disappointment through a Tweetstorm about him feeling neglected. He said that the whole world is more interested in US elections than their local issues. Most of the people in his own constituency, who voted for him and made him the MLA don’t remember his name but they know full biography of all the Presidential and Veep Candidates.

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How do you ask for Help?

In Mahabharat, when Arjun from Pandavas and Duryodhan from Kauravas approach Krishna and request him to fight the war from their respective sides, Krishna didn’t really have any bias. He was neutral and in general reluctant to side with anyone. Both parties knew that Krishna has a large army as well as the most brilliant political mind. So, having him with them would tilt the course of the war in their favor and make it certainly a lop-sided battle. But there’s an interesting story in how Arjun and Duryodhan approached Krishna.

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Do’s and Dont’s for Jokes in these times

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

According to South Park, it is okay to joke about anything after 22.3 years. But this was said by Eric Theodore Cartman in 2005. That time we didn’t have Social Media’s power which we have now. So, as per me, adjusted to inflation, the rate of social media growth, the ease of mobile phones, the handiness of the free time due to WFH, and a random constant number 3.14, the world nowadays can make a joke about anything which is 22.3 minutes old.

So there we had it. As soon as the news of disease COVID-19 caused by Virus SARS-CoV-2 came into being, it didn’t take long for the jokes to come. The first one I remember is that Indians can’t get it as we are the immune-st bunch of people because we used to clean the cricket ball, freshly taken out from the dirtiest of drains, by just bouncing it thrice and moving on. Then you would have seen the memes about more babies getting born after the quarantine and they would be called the Coronials.

The funniest part of the jokes is that as long it doesn’t happen to you, they all sound really chuckle-worthy. But as soon as something is directed at you or happens to your near & dear ones, it becomes a no-go zone for you, no matter who you are.

Therefore, I took the liberty out of the thin air and wrote some Do’s and Don’t about joking about the Corona Virus.

The Do’s & the Don’ts

  • Pundemics are okay, the Pandemics aren’t.
  • Racist jokes should be avoided. The maximum you can say about China is this: Nowadays, everything is Made in China.
  • Jokes about Panic buying should be encouraged. People who are not panic buying are getting panicked by others panic buying because now non-panicky folks fear that if they don’t panic now, the already panicked fellows will buy everything and there will be nothing left apart from having a panic.
  • Following types of jokes should be totally disbarred:

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

It’s WHO.

Who WHO?

Roses are Red, Violets are blue… You travelled abroad? We need to Quarantine you.

Nobody
  • Jokes about Flattening the Curve are fine. But you need to flatten your belly curve too, Sir.
  • Social Distancing jokes are fine, as long as you don’t irk people permanently that they diss you and keep a distance of 10 feet from you forever. (This is the worst of them all, I Know)
  • Jokes about Work From Home are fine but I want to write another blog post so I cannot pour all my creativity here.

I hope you all are following the protocol shared above as well as staying safe, aloof and giving cold vibes to everyone like it’s a Monday morning.

Jokes are what make us human. Again, jokes dry up when someone we know gets affected. Not everyone is equipped to crack jokes and not everyone is sane enough to take them. Till then, ciao? No no… sayonara… no that is also not safe and also the wrong country.

Namaste. (Can be used as a greeting as well as a goodbye, right!)


Photo by Mark Duffel on Unsplash


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Auto!!

On one fine Saturday morning, I was waiting at BTM Bus Stop. With only 30 minutes for the movie to start, I was in a rush to reach PVR at Forum Mall in Koramangala, which was just 2 KM from there. If I had taken a bus, it would surely have taken me more than 30 minutes or so, thanks to the place where time just slows down. Yes, the Silk Board. I had no other option but to take an Autorickshaw which could zigzag its way from the lanes and take me to my destination in time. After waiting for some time, I found one empty Autorickshaw coming my way. I waved my hand to make him stop. Despite being vacant, the driver just glanced at me but didn’t stop. Maybe he was in a hurry himself, maybe I wasn’t enough good looking, maybe I didn’t have Maybelline. Another Autorickshaw was passing by. I shouted “Auto!”, he stopped. When I asked him, he just said “Neh!” and moved along, still vacant on the same road where it could have taken me easily and earned money. In a minute another one came. I asked him whether he will take me or not. Nonchalantly, he said, “Oh Forum aa? 200 Rupees!” without any shame or regret on his face. He demanded 200 Rupees as if I had asked him to drop me at the Airport. I said, “It is just 2 KM”. He got disappointed to see that I knew how far it was. He said nope and went away. I decided to walk towards my destination find an auto on the way. There was supposed to be an auto-stand half a kilometer away as well. When I reached there, I found 3-4 autos standing there. I went to one and asked “Sir, Forum?” The driver who was reading a newspaper gave me looks as if I had asked his daughter’s hand for marriage. I said sorry for disturbing him and chugged along. I asked another one, he said “Ok, 20 rupees extra. Lot of traffic there!”. I was getting impatient now. I sighed “Let’s go.”. Finally, I reached in 20 minutes.

I’m sure this must have happened to you as well? Right? When you were just refused or were asked
for an exorbitant amount or had to shelve 20-30 Rupees extra?

Fortunately or unfortunately, Auto Rickshaws in India are the most common mode of transport, aren’t they? From small towns to big cities, you can find them everywhere. In fact, if you want to draw a picture of a market Scene in India, your picture will be incomplete unless you show a small yellow black toy looking 3-wheeler adorning the side of the road. I happened to read a blog post by a journalist Anand Ramachandran on Yahoo sometime ago. He, originally from Chennai, had just moved from Mumbai to Bangalore and he had an acute observation about Auto Rickshaws of all these cities. He said that while auto drivers of Mumbai are businessmen and part-time tourist guides, auto drivers of Chennai are basically gangsters. In Bangalore, they are hobbyists Autorickshaw drivers. He said that unlike other cities, Auto Rickshaws in Bangalore are just for aesthetic reasons and decorative purposes and serve no actual function. Maybe they are already very rich real estate owners themselves so they just don’t really care. To top all that, they live under a huge misconception that IT guys are rich people. IT guys and rich? Autorickshaws are going to take you for a ride, when they take you for a ride. Auto Rickshaws Drivers have personality of Dhanush but they carry the Attitude of Rajinikanth.

Love it or hate it, auto rickshaws are something which actually works in a place like India. They are small enough to get into any lane, no matter how narrow it could be and big enough to carry 3-4 people and even more if the driver decides to allow. He himself will sit in the smallest area possible to fit a human backside but if there is shared auto possible, he will easily fit 5-6 people without breaking much sweat. And the way they drive? They don’t really care how narrow or busy the street is. They still drive like James Bond and as a passenger, you have to hold whatever is available possible to save yourself. I had thought that after the inception of more buses, or cab services or even Metro, the attitude of Auto Rickshaws will improve but all in vain.

Did you think that through my speech I was going to present a solution to the menace of Autorickshaw Drivers? Nope. When we cannot improve after so many years, how will they? I guess, Autos in India suit our sensibilities as a nation. I just think when I will get fed up with my life as an IT engineer, I would become an Autorickshaw driver myself. And when some will call me to take them to any destination, I will demand at least 100 Rupees extra, just to see how it feels.

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Toastmasters Storytelling Project 4 : Who will cry when you will die?

This is a story about a couple who lived in a small town named Teresopolis in Brazil. It was the golden hour time when the Sun was about to set and the shadows of the surrounding hills were engulfing the golden rays of the sun across the farmlands.

The breeze of the autumn evening was very soothing and the weather was extremely pleasant. Bob and Maria were strolling across their farm which was located in a picturesque valley near a river and a hill. It was one of those days when they were discussing the life they had lived. They had mostly lived a happy life. Bob had been a farmer all his life, while Maria used to run a bakery. They weren’t very rich but they believed they had enough. They always loved what they did and they were satisfied with how the life had turned out for them. They didn’t have any regrets but they had only one thing missing in their happy life. They had no kids of their own. Many of their friends had told them about adopting one. But they believed that it was their fate so they had happily accepted it.

On their way, back to their home, they noticed some squeaking noise coming from somewhere nearby. They tried to locate the source of the sound but didn’t see anything. Bob walked towards the barbed wire boundary of their farm and noticed something. He called Maria. Maria asked him what was there? He just kept on smiling. Maria then went and found a small puppy struggling to cross the boundary and come into their farm. The small brown puppy had somehow entangled its body halfway and couldn’t cross or go back. Its watery eyes and his small cute squeaks sought for help. Bob carefully removed the pup. As soon as the puppy got free, it started licking Bob’s boot and fluttered its tail to show his love and gratitude. He handed it over to Maria and told her to take care of their new guest. Maria smiled back and took the puppy into her hands and gave it a small kiss on the forehead. Sun had almost set now. They took him back to their home and fed him.

Since the puppy didn’t seem to have anyone looking for it, they thought of taking care of it. They had a big farm to look after and the puppy had enough space to play around. Their bond kept on getting stronger and stronger. The petite canine made them young again. They used to feed him, take care of him, pet him and Bob used to take him for a walk while tending to his farm. They started to see their unborn kid in the little dog. They named him Leao.

Years passed. Leao had grown up now and the Bob and Maria had got slightly older. Life had become much happier since the advent of Leao. The feeling of not having their own kid had now subsided. The family of Bob, Maria and Leao were happy and content.

One day, there was a forecast of heavy rain and a violent storm in the town. The growl of the wind was turning more and more violent. The skies had turned dark gray and the storm was becoming more and more dangerous. Bob shut the house door and he along with Maria and Sam thought of staying indoors as the forecast was of heavy rain. It kept on raining all night. They thought that they were pretty safe in the confinements of their house but it wasn’t to be. Due to heavy rain, the river developed flood-like situation and the water overflowed. This was one of the most brutal floods in Brazil in recent times. Several hundred lost their lives and many were dislocated. Bob and Maria struggled to keep themselves safe but unfortunately, they got the bad luck when their house was washed away by the strong currents and heavy winds.

Leao survived though. The very next day when the rains stopped and flood subsided, their bodies were found near a tree which had somehow stopped them from flowing into the river. The town authorities dug mass graves for the deceased. They buried Bob and Maria along with the other unfortunate souls. Leao had no place to go now. But Leao didn’t want to leave his parents. So, he stayed near their grave for days. After not leaving the grave for 7 days, eventually, Leao understood that his parents won’t return back.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1347862/Brazil-floods-Dog-refuses-leave-owners-graveside-death-toll-tops-630.html
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1347862/Brazil-floods-Dog-refuses-leave-owners-graveside-death-toll-tops-630.html

I will leave you with a question to ponder. Have you done anything good for someone? Have you ever given a thought to the question: Who will cry, when you will die?

Continue reading “Toastmasters Storytelling Project 4 : Who will cry when you will die?”