How to get a Marriage Certificate?

So you want a Marriage Certificate to declare your marriage official? Great. You have come to the right page. Here’s a step by step description that can save you heaps of trouble. Go on:

Certificate is just a piece of paper but...
Certificate is just a piece of paper but…
  1. LET GO OF ALL YOUR EGO. All of it. There should be no trace left of it on your forehead, face, anywhere on your body. Otherwise you can’t do it. Throw your ego as far as you can. Wipe it clean. Delete it. Empty the recycle bin. Shift Delete the recycle bin itself now. Now maybe you are ready, just may be. Doesn’t matter you are a Team Leader with Best Employee award from last 5 years in your company or a best fast bowler in India or winner of best looking baby award in past. You are nobody. Remember this and proceed.
  2. Now decide to get married first. (read: surrender). I know this is a tough thing to decide quickly but it is okay. Nobody cares except you. Just do it. Eventually your body will get old and saggy so why not now? And in case you were eager and desperate yourself from the word go, go for it right away.
  3. Get married formally i.e. get married in front of few people. Peacock danced in the forest but no body watched so what’s the point, they say.
  4. Go to the Magistrate office or local Municipal corporation office. Reach there by 1030 MAX. Although you won’t find any staff there but good to reach before them. If you reach after they have reached, it would mean that you are not serious about getting the certificate. You will be dealt like how Autowalas deal with passengers when they don’t want to go anywhere.
  5. Find out in which room these marriage certifications are made or some point of contact to start the ordeal. The place will have lots of rooms and not all room house the right people. So find out where do you need to be. Don’t waste time.
  6. Once you find the right person, politely ask for the form. The politeness level depends the fate of the day. If you still have some ego left, please flush it down. If you haven’t brought the invitation card, you may be doomed and best is to resign and go to Himalayas. If you have the card without sweets, you must promise that you will bring sweets the next time with an expression of a puppy who just wants a cookie. If you don’t have anything but still want to pursue, don’t lose temper when the officer will throw away your form like you throw away garbage on the streets. This is how they roll. Bend a little more to enhance your body language and show humility.
  7. Get the form filled with utmost care. Get all the documents ready. Leave nothing behind. Bring all your birth, death, childhood, adulthood, financial and social certificates or cards. Memorize your grades in schools. Get couple photographs of your wedding in full attire and one without attire as in normal clothes. The photographs should be in sizes ranging from 3×5 and 4×6 and remember #nofilter.
  8. Once the documents are ready, proceed to the office where someone checks your document. They might be gone for lunch. So just be patient and wait. They’re still at lunch. They will always be in lunch so just wait. Once they appear, pounce on and show them  your documents. Now, they might be intimidating and scary. Don’t lose your cool when they say that you don’t look like the one who got married in the pics. Just smile silently. Once they do all the checks, they might ask priests or witness to testify. This is a normal process and involves a lot of visual insult and verbal patronizing but let it be. Happens yaar. You are not President of India. Chill.
  9. Once documents are verified, submit them to the office and wait. They might ask you again whether you got married properly. Just recite few mantras and shlokas to impress them. Don’t impress too much. Now the officer might wink at you. Wink means Chai-Paani. There is no need to do that. If you do serve Chai-Paani this list is useless. Please go see a doctor. If you want no corruption, just be down to Earth and polite and desperate. Few drops of tears to show your eagerness might help. Who knows. Now the officer will ask you the fee which ranges from Rupees 6 to Rupees 100. Again, if you have some jack, the officer will pay Rs. 6 from his/her own pocket. Otherwise people write a cheque or something and sigh.
  10. Keep waiting till your documents are approved and you get a certificate after few days. If you want it today itself, kindly regret because you don’t have any contacts.

Sigh. So this is the almost exact procedure. I had a contact but I didn’t know the person by face. So I asked one guy whether he knows this contact. He told me to go to some room. He himself was the contact but he never acknowledged. Talk about getting a certificate. All the best.

This is you
This is you

From Yeh Desh Hai Veer Jawano ka to Indian Tequila!

What is going on? – Me, Throughout January 2016

<Insert many long minutes of writer’s block here>

Well kids, if you keep running away from something for some time, always remember that, if you get caught, they take a full beating (plus bonus frustration beating) on you. I am one of those who was elegantly avoiding answering the question which is everyone’s (parents and friends and everyone around) favorite question for you once you cross a holy age of 21 with much grace and poise and a couple of hiccups. And suppose you successfully keep ducking the question till you are nearing 30, you should stay rest assured that the intensity and barrage of questions will enormously increase manifolds and the only option for you is to consider the fate and surrender. There is no point further delaying it unless you want to pursue politics or puns.

Phew, it is finally done and over with. The ceremony. And stuff. They were quite swift as in Ceremonies started officially around 3.30 PM in the afternoon and ended officially around 9 AM the next day. Pretty fast, no? NO. In between, I had to change clothes 4 times including wearing Dhotis which are lovely and airy. Highly recommended though not in winters. I also got to ride a Ghodi (mare; female horse) which decided to pee, while I was sitting on it when we were about to reach the destination. It didn’t do any harm but ladies around it had to save their lehngas and sarees from the projectile of drops bouncing off the road and traveling towards them.We reached late by 20-25 minutes because people like to dance and dance and dance a little more. Apparently! And then for some strange maths equations reasons, I had to sit in an awkward position inside a wooden tokri (basket) for 2 hours or so. There is no point further delving into those super fun hours (!) so just understand that it took about 17 or so hours for me to change my status.

And then those joyful hours of smiling with people on stage, ah what fun when your teeth have to be at the full display like a toothpaste advertisement. Further, into the night, I also had to take 20-22 rounds around the fire because normal people are content in 7 and we are not those minions. We make sure we cover rituals of the whole of India from Tamil to Punjab, including Rajasthan, Gujarat, UP, MP, Maharashtra, Bengal, and Andhra. Why? Probably because we must make the rituals as long and be tiring as possible so as to warn the couple that it is stupid to break the vow. Otherwise, they must go through these rituals again. And nobody would like that.


The fun part: The event wasn’t foolproof. Apparently, whatever gifts were coming towards my way, they got stolen by kids not more than 12 years of age right in front of everyone’s back and wide open eyes of CCTV Cameras. No sign of either the money or the kids till now. Memorable, right?


Anyways, everyone enjoyed the event and the food. Nobody got hurt and nobody’s foofa/mausa/tau made any fuss.

P.S.: I am yet to change my Display Pic and Relationship Status on Facebook so everything written above, is effectively farce, if you ask me.

Continue reading “From Yeh Desh Hai Veer Jawano ka to Indian Tequila!”