April 2013 – Abhinav Bhatt

How to be a Complete Man?

People who are familiar with TV advertisements of 1990s and 2000s might have seen the Raymond’s advertisement where the tagline used to be “The Complete Man”. That tagline has faded now because kids back then used it a lot to make joke about transgenders. Making jokes about them is a complete no-no nowadays. But the phrase ‘The Complete Man’ stayed in mind and turned out to be very much mind-boggling. What is a complete man? What is complete in first place? What traits should a man have which make him complete? Moderately tall physique with slightly fairer than the 3rd level of skin complexion (as measured on Fair & Handsome crème’s fairness meter), highly refined voice with an apt frequency of 1.75 words delivered in a second which can be understood by only those who pay attention or a highly successful career as a Colony level acclaimed sportsperson (Cricket, Football, Hockey, Golf and Badminton) during late 90s and early 2000s are some of the criteria which define an almost complete man. Dimple optional. Enough about me, but still it takes a lot more to be complete.

Before you try to imitate any of the above given features, you must remember the most important trait a complete man has. That is to respect women. Although it is the easiest but still nobody follows this simple rule. Not even I. Err, don’t throw eggs, wait let me explain. In spite of all the good qualities I claim to have, one thing which kept me thinking for some time made me write this.

I travel to my office in a Bangalore metropolitan transport corporation city bus. The office is around 15 KMs from my place and thanks to the dependence on traffic conditions, it can take around 25-75 minutes to reach the destination. So when I say, I will be there in 10 minutes, don’t believe me. Now, the bus has a capacity of, umm, err, say 60 seats, about 20 of them are reserved. 15 reserved for women and 5 for Differently abled people. If you travel in the non-ac BTMC buses, you will find that usually no men occupy the reserved seats. Point to note is that the non-ac buses are mostly used by those people who cannot afford Auto Rickshaw. Frankly, nobody can afford Auto Rickshaw without leasing out your kidneys but still, those are Not-So-Rich class people. So those not-so-rich people do understand that some seats are reserved for women so they better get seated at the rear side general area. However, the Volvo AC Bus, which is usually used by those who are willing to shed some money in order to get the comfort and speed, are not that intelligent enough. People travelling in Volvo grab any seat they find, leaving a lot of ladies standing. Now, before you grab my collar and punch my jaw out, let me clarify that I don’t sit on the reserved seats. I usually go back and find a seat at the back side of the bus, and if there isn’t any, I keep standing.

Now consider the scenario which makes me an almost but not yet complete man. Suppose all the reserved seats are full and there is only 1 seat left vacant in the general area of the bus. Still there is one lady (lady means elder than me in general sense here) and I are in the bus without the seats and we both have equal opportunities to grab that seat. In this predicament, I let the lady to get the seat. Now am I the complete man? No because consider a scenario further.

Suppose there are no seats left in the bus and then a lady boards the bus. Do I get up and offer her the seat? Unless the lady is at least double my age and I am not considerably fresh and alive, I don’t. I had logic for this which has now shattered like career of Boxer Vijendra Singh. I used to think that in a city like Bangalore, both men and women get equal opportunities and earn almost the same (I hope). Also, as I have seen in the office, apart from the gossips about affairs and clothes (haha joking), women work equal to what men do. So, since we both are equals, there is no point in me standing up for a woman in a Volvo AC bus or any bus for that matter for any rich poor class. Just there, I missed my opportunity to be the complete man. My logic falls flat on its face when I realize that a woman’s work doesn’t stop in office alone. Not only she faces the same ordeal a man has to go travelling to and fro from office to home and working for 9 hours, but she also has to take care of the house. And, before you again grab my collar bone (as you already tore my collar off in the Para above) and break my nose, when I say she has to take of the house, is that usually she is the home maker, as she can manage the house in a better way. She has to manage the maids, the cooks, the cleanliness, the kids (if any) and other stuff like spending time on make-up. She does double the work a man does because men just reach home, jump on the sofa and start watching TV while the lady brings him water (talking about my future, heh). Hey, don’t grab me again, I am talking about 21st century only. So, all in all, a woman who is standing in the bus, trying to get a seat deserves more than I do. Be it a woman of any age, she still does more work after going home than an average guy does. <b>And hence, I should always offer her (girl, woman, aunty) the seat</b>. Unless of course, she is not interested in sitting at on the rear side amongst the company of men.

From now on, I expect myself to follow this simple principle and try to be a complete man from now on. Let’s see.

Open letter to Dr. Anjali Tendulkar – II

Hi Dr. Anjali Tendulkar Ma’am,

I hope you are doing great. Although, I have never known your birthdate but I am sure you won’t mind if I ask you to convey my best wishes to Mr. Sachin Tendulkar on his 40th birthday. I wish the best for him and your whole family, always.

Well, sometime ago (http://abloquacitylab.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/dear-dr-anjali-why-sachin-should-not-retire-now), I had asked you to tell Mr. Sachin Tendulkar to not to retire. Thank you for paying heed to that request (of course you didn’t read this but sometimes thoughts travel out of thin air). At that time he was on 99 centuries. Now such a benchmark is irrelevant. Everything has been achieved. 100 International Centuries spanning over a period of 24 years of representing India. No words are there to describe this immensely huge contribution to the service of our cricketing nation. Now, the question is what’s next? I know you two must have talked it through, therefore, Mr. Sachin hasn’t formally announced yet but could it be that his last International appearance in India is already over? I hope not. The next series in which we can see him again will be in South Africa later this year and very late next year in India. I would just like to mention few things on his birthday which you might or might not find useful. But I still say them as a life-long-fan.

The optimism

I believe that there are a few major things which act as the adhesive to keep India as one country. Cricket is one of them and Sachin Tendulkar is one of the most important elements in that adhesive. At least for my generation, who were born in the 80s, he is inseparable from life. All our lives as Cricket fans, majority of our discussions revolved around his score. Whether it was the praises or small bit of criticism of the team’s over dependency on his broad shoulders, it all emerged out of Sachin’s runs. Sachin hitting Michael Kasprowicz, Damien Flemming and Shane Warne over their heads and fetching us win Sharjah in 1998 is a small gif etched on our minds. Tony Greig damaging his vocal chords over Sasheen Tendoolkaaa still echoes inside our ears. For me, if I draw analogies to compare India as a country with Indian Cricket Team, if Ganguly was the much needed aggression to succeed, Dravid was the faith and belief in our abilities that we can do well, Sachin Tendulkar has always been the optimism that one day, we shall dominate the world because we deserve to.

How impactful Sachin is, we all know but still I would like to share one small incident. Although it had happened when Sehwag hit his double ton once, but again, Sachin was batting in Dhaka, and was about to reach the 100th 100. In my office, work was going on as usual and the volume of the floor chirping, discussing, on call, was relatively low. Also, almost 80% of the people were hooked to one tab of Cricinfo. All of a sudden, as he reached the 100th 100, the floor erupted. Everyone started clapping and those who didn’t know what the hell happened, were left clueless. The clapping continued for 2 minutes and gradually it slowed down and everyone started working again. This is a small impact he has created in our lives.

Now, the thing I would like to mention is the rise of the haters. We Indians love to hate anything and everything. The growing voices asking him to retire have become louder. People have drowned to such embarrassing levels that they have started to doubt his batting. Those people who don’t even know a thing about Cricket, call him selfish and all. This feels a bit like how Gandhi’s name is treated by people in present times. While people were all in praise for Gandhi Ji all along, but now there are certain groups who are quite vocal and critic of Gandhi’s policies. They put up arguments such as ‘what if’ Gandhi ji had not chosen Nehru over Patel. This has caused some unaware people to have a bit of mistrust and hate for Gandhi ji. Similarly, over the years, Sachin Tendulkar might also have to face this music. I hope he doesn’t let this happen. I hope you don’t let this happen. People have hated Dhoni after he won as 2 World Cups and getting us numero uno position in both ODIs and Test as well, so it is usual Indian mentality.

The Apology

Second, I would like to say Sorry. Through my tweets, Facebook statuses and Quora questions, I have asked questions against him not retiring. My point was never to doubt his sincere efforts. I just want to be sarcastic with those who blame Sachin for India’s inability to win some matches. I simply don’t hold any authority to even suggest him about retirement. As a fan, I would always like to see him on the strike, hitting the straight drive which enhances the blood on my face’s veins because of non-stop smiling. So, I sincerely apologize for even uttering the word ‘Retirement’ for your husband. I’ll give my letter much needed rest, after all he knows best.

Wishing him many glorious years ahead in life. All the best to your family. I hear Arjun is also doing well. Well, I reserve my opinion about what people might say about him being the next to get India cap, I just wish him the best in whatever he chooses to be.

Thanks for reading.

#NSFWComic: Shampoo

#NSFWComic – Adverse Effects

I volunteer to do this — Adverse Effects

The Award Winning: Droplets from Sky

As a part of doing Field Research for groundwater levels, I reached a village in Rajasthan which was frankly, in the middle of nowhere. It hadn’t rained there since a decade. The color of the sky looked pale yellow and you could see just sand dunes till the horizon in all the directions. The water supply for the natives was being done by special trains which used to come once a week and people had to just ‘manage’ till the next train’s arrival. Being a Meteorology Expert, I knew that this time the fate of poor villagers could change as the region was experiencing low pressure thereby attracted water-filled clouds from the Arabian Sea.

I was just noting down my findings then suddenly 2 kids, barely 7-8 years old came running from behind, shouting for their parents and other villagers. They were really terrified because they had just experienced water droplets falling from the sky. It was something they had never seen in their life-time. They were in complete misbelief that something of this sort could happen. Their parents came out of their homes and as did the other villagers. Their faces got lit up and almost all of them started dancing, congratulating each other and celebrating because it started to drizzle. The kids were still in shock though.

I couldn’t stop myself seeing this and found few droplets on my shirt. It wasn’t only the rain, but also some tears.

P.S.: I am not a hydrology or weather expert (though I can predict rains with 78% accuracy) but this was a short story I wrote for a Water Conservation based competition in office and some how, I won. Nothing huge but a certificate is what I am going to get. I hope they consider it during appraisal. 😉

When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth

It was sometime in ’93 or ’94 when my uncle took me to Premprakash Cinema Hall in Jaipur. We tried to get the seats but apparently it was House Full. We had already given up but then my uncle thought of giving one more chance and tried our luck at Lower Dress Circle window. Luckily, there were 2 tickets available of the front row seats. The tickets were small chits of Pink Color, 14 Rupees each probably (and the parking chit was yellow in color, 3 Rupees), if I can guess correctly, give or take 5-10 Rupees here and there. Then I got to see, probably my first English movie (dubbed in Hindi obviously) in a cinema hall, and the movie was called Jurassic Park.

Now when you see a movie, that too an action-adventure genre, from the front row seats, everything looks real. Jurassic Park that time was watched without 3D, without IMAX and surely without Dolby Digital Surround system as well. So, what was shown on the screen was unadulterated loud and on your face fun! I was thrilled, I was frightened, I was amazed and I became its life long fan. When I was coming back from the theater, sitting on the pillion seat of the Blue colored Bajaj Chetak, we went past many camels on the way home. Those camels looked as frightening as the velociraptors. I bought dinosaurs merchandize later, along with one 10 inch tall plastic each-part-detachable skeleton of T-Rex, which was later hidden away somewhere by my mother because, unusually, it happened to be unlucky somehow. When the skeleton was sitting pretty and handsomely on the TV Trolley, my brother got his hand fractured and my father’s car got hit. So the toy went underground soon. Still, the love for Dinosaurs and JP never stopped. I went on to see The Lost World (1997) thrice in cinema hall (and it was the first movie I was allowed to watch alone in theaters with friends). Even our school took us to watch that movie. Meanwhile, whenever Jurassic Park was aired on TV, I watched it. From 1994 till 2013, if it had been shown 200 times, I would have watched 100 times at least. I stopped counting after the century.

Now on 6th April 2013, I got another chance to see the magic on big screen again. That too in IMAX 3D at Bangalore. I went to the theater and saw kids who weren’t even born in 1994 flocking in with their parents. It gave a sense of aging. Sigh. Still, I thoroughly enjoyed the movie on the screen as much as I had done 19 years ago.

The movie had so much effect on me that I had even decided to become a paleontologist when I grew up. (Although I didn’t end up being one).

I can still remember the white shorts and jungle-scene shirt, I had worn on that day because after few days when those clothes got washed, the upper pocket of the shirt still had the crumbled pink chits.

Here’s a small tribute poster I have made for the movie:

The new JEE

Not just Sherlock Holmes, but we all think and react in subtitles, citations and labels. I mean whenever we meet someone, we draw conclusions (or rather our hypothesis) out of the people, first, by their physical appearances, and then by their voice and lastly by their names. Tool-tips emerge from all the places possible from the person we’re interacting with which enables to us make an impression of that person in our mind. No? Try imagining at least for author’s sake. Now this mental picture of stereotyping was pretty fine and fairly accurate till the time we decided to jot them down, in our so-called religious text and named the Chapter as ‘The Classification of People’. In India, we conveniently call it ‘The Caste System’. Basically, the Hindus were divided into 4 classes, namely:

Brahmins
Kshtriyas
Vaishyas
Shudras

Of course the list is in order of their decreasing importance in status. Now I am not going into their history and its pros and cons. There have been disastrously long debates over need of reservations and all that. But just recently, I came across one Twitpic which showed ‘some’ people in a ‘certain’ city were following a weird filter to allow only Brahmins to buy property. There are societies everywhere who want to have people of a certain castes living as neighbors. Totally thumbs up, yo!

Unlike other bloggers and intellectual people, I am not here to show my outrage against this, for the record I find this as narrow minded as rivers of Rajasthan during summers. Rather, I am here to help people discriminate others in a better and systematic way on the basis of their color, religion, caste, creed or sex, etc. which we had studied in Civics. Yep, you read correctly, I am here to help people differentiate people.

So it has come to my notice that people are not able to differentiate people properly. People can judge others instantly but not always they’re right. You can get a lot if you get to know a person’s name. The mind traverses the binary tree of your whole khandaan instantly after your name is fully heard. Here’s an example.

If you hear the name, you first think about the surname. North Indian, South Indian, East Indian or West Indian. Now suppose the person has a name which is less than 20 characters. Then, the person surely is from North. If the person has all the gods name in their name, South Indian. Now, the person could be amongst BKV or S (caste-wise). Ok, Brahmin. Which kind of brahmin? Because, yes, there are millions of kinds of Brahmins. Heh, and all think that they are superior brahmins than the other. OK, you are superior, fine. What’s your Gotra now? Ooh, you don’t know? Tch. There are millions of Gotras too which further classify the kind of Brahmins. I am sure, this has something to do with structure of Universe and Atom. First you are a Brahmin, then, Vaishnav Brahmin, then Bharadwaj Gotra, then some Sub Gotra A, then Sub Sub Gotra B and so on, just like Galaxy, Solay System, Planets, Atoms, Nucleus, mesons, quarks, etc. Posh, totally. So if you planning to fall in love, make sure the person you are going to like falls in your caste. Another point, just the caste should be same, not the gotras. If Gotras are same, your young ones might be born with super human capabilities or x-men types nature. If you are planning to give house on rent, make sure the new tenants are of your same caste, otherwise whole vastu can conspire to bring your name down in the society. Make sure, when you go to a restaurant, the cook who has prepared food for you is of your same caste too. The chicken you have ordered, should be born and brought up in the house of the person of the same caste. And even the chicken itself should be of same caste, gotra optional.

But sadly, many young people don’t know all this. Blame it on their school or Facebook. They have totally absurd perception about castes and sects. Like in Western-Central and Southern India, some people generally believe that if a person doesn’t want onion in their food, they are asking for Jain food. Utterly wrong. I am not a Jain, I kill insects. But still I am a vegetarian and don’t want onion and garlic in my food, officially. While, many Jains I know have onion and garlic compulsorily in their diet. Will they go to hell? Time will tell.

So I have come up with an idea of Entrance Test. Entrance Exam for Castes. We can call it JEE only. ‘Jaatpaat Entrance Examination’ or ‘Jaathpaath Entrance Examination’ to make South Indian people understand. This should be a written test and only if one is able to score 75%, then only one should be allowed to called a certain caste person. After passing the written test, one might go for further verbal session where you have to display your mettle verbally too. Suppose you are a Brahmin and you are Yagyopaveet (thread) wearing one, you have to show all the kreeyas which you are supposed to do. There are many kreeyas but most popular ones are Early morning, brahma muhurat one and one sandhya vandan. If you are not doing this, your brahmin title can be relinquished. Now, suppose you are a lower caste person and want to upgrade your caste. Well buddy, that is not possible in this birth but unofficially, you can pwn the upper caste person by using the magic wand called as Reservation for SC/ST and OBC. That helps and you can use the same wand for your kids, even if you don’t need it financially but who cares, caste is important.

For those, who want to capitalize on this and open coaching centers, please contact me. I have many people around who excel in telling the religion and castes of people just by looking at their shoes or nails if the person is not wearing any shoes. Also, thinking of creating a startup who supports IVR which helps people in determining each other’s caste before getting into a phone based Long Distance Relationship.

And oh, what is your caste anyways? If you are not eligible, I demand you to unread this blog now itself.

https://www.quora.com/Indian-Caste-System/What-is-the-Indian-caste-system-How-does-it-work