September 2011 – Abhinav Bhatt

What are you looking at Mister?

Waking up is the most difficult part in their lives, there is no doubt about it. More than 24 hours in a day, they have always tried to fit. Eyes groggily tell the story of every night. Waking up till late to complete the daily tasks, important and unimportant, but no one understands their plight. Getting ready to kill is their motto every day. But hey, don’t forget to put that thing around neck always, as they say. Like all dressed up neat and clean, they move out of their homes. Have to walk up till the bus stop, with earphones, plugged in till the ear drums and they sing, and yawn.

Reaching the stop is never such a pain but finding a place which is relaxed and safe is surely a game. They see faces there, dull, depressing, sorry, drunk, pale and only few of them chirpy still they all look lame. They try to make sure that they are away from such eyes, who stare from head to toe, with weird and cold vibes. The scanning eyes are always there and the scan reaches a logical rest. All they keep on staring is the place 1 foot above the waist. They glance the region the most, is the area where it hangs that is slightly below the throat. If they stare back at the stare-er, the concentration dilutes around in the air as it was lost, it may not be that dirty as I present but it sure looks low in cost.

The look at that region is aloof of the gender, but the awkwardness persists even if you have a strong heart or it is soft and tender. The inferior feeling which that is felt with is actually nothing as compared to the continuous staring they have always dealt with. I wonder how they must feel when they have to go daily through this ordeal. Isn’t it like watching someone puke while having a meal? Now they have started hanging it around the groin showing extra wit, where it moves like a pendulum, stick it back up where it belongs I must insist.

They claim that they stare because they care. But this is something different, staring it continuously, how do they dare? Even passer bys don’t forget to give it a look, what do they want to do with that? Take it, hang it in your home, watch it instead of the TV, put it around a hook. They have become used to this judging I guess but that kind of staring is a sign of them trying for a shag, but calm down, here I am just talking about my company tag.

Open Letters for Open Letters

Hello Open Letter Writers!

How are you? I am in pink of my health here and hope the same for you.

This is my first open letter. Not that I don’t know how to write letters but I was bit conservative to write an open letter. I didn’t bother to write one anyways because Letters are meant to be private as I was taught. So, please expect some deviations from the standard of Open Letter Writing. By the way is there any RFC for that? Any Guidelines? Protocol (From bottom to Up: PDNTSPA)? ISO standard? No? Tch. Okay, so here it goes.

People, why are you so frustrated? I mean are you the Indian Hockey Team? Or Rakhi Sawant’s father’s barber? Abhishek Manu Singhvi’s kids? Poonam Pandey’s true fan?

Why have you written so much text for someone who doesn’t even know you and, for sure, will never know you or read your open letter and Laugh Out Loud, unless you are Kamaal R Khan’s lookalike. Man, everyone knows that you did to get some cheap publicity. No, no, don’t look sideways or make faces. Everyone knew since beginning that you had penchant for being famous like our Mayawati had for expensive Kolapuri Chappals. See, I know that few people became famous writing open letters, but not everyone is a tall sardar with a fancy surname no?

See, if you were frustrated over something, write over it in normal blog post kind of manner, outrage over it on Twitter, and move on with life. Writing open letters again and again, shows that you didn’t have courage to directly ask the subject. If frustration level had gone over the danger mark, like it happens during monsoon in our local naalaah (Drainage and Sewage System, c’mon, today is Hindi Diwas for God’s sake!) or Yamuna in your Delhi, you could have gone for a Hunger Strike at Ram Leela. Writing only, how will it help Sir?

Writing too many open letters will make you an open letter box. How shameful is that if you know what I mean? What will you write when you will run of the things which frustrate you? Now, you will say that there are innumerable things which frustrate you so you can go on and on and on. Abey, how frustrated can you be? Jaago Graahak Jaago but there should be a limit where you should get satisfied. Are you Hari Sadu’s Appraisal Reviewer or what?

Now the question is am I frustrated of you? Of course I am. Even after writing this, I am not going to get the number of comments I deserve. Huh.

Give my regards to your parents and your pet dog.

Your’s electronically

Irom Sharmila’s Level Ignored Blogger.

Formula 1 in India

So after much thought and approvals and preparations, F1 is actually coming to India. And that deserves a wow. From being a non-existing entity in Motor sport, and then to have a F1 team ‘Force India’ and then to actually have the Indian Grand Prix is an amazing feat. Not only it will do a hell lot of good to our motor sport industry but also add another feather in our achievements in organizing world class sports event. Well played.

But usually all the sports events happen inside stadiums. F1 happens on the race track. Race track is a road. And that road exists in India. And we love our roads so much that we do everything on the road itself. We get married on roads, give birth to babies on the roads, eat on the roads, pee and shit on the roads and live and die on the roads. Heh, though no one will actually hinder the race track, even if it is in India, but I was just trying to imagine the phrase ‘F1, now on Indian Roads.’ For Indians only though, here it goes.

Hello everyone and welcome to Live for coverage of round 17 in the 2011 FIA Formula 1 world championship – the Indian Grand Prix from Buddh International Circuit, Greater Noida, National Capital Region, Uttar Pradesh. We are just about to start the first ever Indian grand prix so the hearts must be pumping. The day is sunny and the atmosphere is roaring, as you expect it is in India and it is hot as a Tandoor on a wedding reception night. As we speak, the pit lane is now open for the drivers to make their reconnaissance* laps to the grid and surprisingly they are not getting arranged themselves on the basis of their monetary status or caste. After all, F1 is neither Tirupati Darshan nor JEE. All the appropriate names, 90% of the Indians don’t even know or care about, have brought themselves to the grid.

Here’s how the grid will line up this afternoon:

Pos Driver Team

1. Sebastian Vettel Red Bull-Renault

2. Lewis Hamilton McLaren-Mercedes

3. Mark Webber Red Bull-Renault

4. Felipe Massa Ferrari

5. Nico Rosberg Mercedes

6. Jaime Alguersuari Toro Rosso-Ferrari

7. Bruno Senna Renault

8. Fernando Alonso Ferrari

9. Sergio Perez Sauber-Ferrari

10. Vitaly Petrov Renault

11. Sebastien Buemi Toro Rosso-Ferrari

12. Kamui Kobayashi Sauber-Ferrari

13. Jenson Button McLaren-Mercedes

14. Rubens Barrichello Williams-Cosworth

15. Adrian Sutil Force India-Mercedes

16. Heikki Kovalainen Lotus-Renault

17. Paul di Resta Force India-Mercedes

18. Jarno Trulli Lotus-Renault

19. Timo Glock Virgin-Cosworth

20. Jerome D’Ambrosio Virgin-Cosworth

21. Pastor Maldonado Williams-Cosworth

22. Tonio Liuzzi HRT-Cosworth

23. Daniel Ricciardo HRT-Cosworth

24. Michael Schumacher Mercedes

Before we start we would like to thank the ‘India Against Innovation’ people as they stopped their agitation outside the main entrance to the circuit and allowed others to enter, after they were convinced that Force India team cannot have a Driver of Indian origin as the drivers are chosen after much filtering on the basis of their past experience or track records and Sonia Gandhi has nothing to do with it as the drivers are not Italian, rather one Scottish and the other being German.

The crowd has settled on to their seats, though they are still standing clueless but in India, we call it settled. They are standing because F1 Pit Babes have started arriving in their traditional get ups. The temperature which was already touching 40+ has now risen to excruciatingly more. There is loud music running as well which is sounding similar to Dhoom Machale but not sure because the crowd has gone berserk over the girls.

So seems all set and here we start. The 5 red lights have gone out and green marks the race is on. Sensational start to the event as 2 of the cars have been unable to move. We hope those are not Force India, and yes, it is confirmed they are not. Rest all have vroomed away from the sight and we have a splendid race on.

Lap 1

We were just about to reach the first sharp turn but looks like the road has been blocked there. Oh, there seems to be some cows sitting right in between chewing their stuff like they don’t care whether Button is a Button or Schumacher makes shoe. Thanks to the advance breaking technology that saved the cows being hit. Otherwise it would have been a serious issue of Animal Cruelty, that too to a holy animal, and also the driver’s well being, if that matters. After much effort, the authorities have been able to push them beasts of burden off the track. And here we start again. The track now is as straight as non-queer so expect the speeds reaching up to 300. Oh but again, the cars are slowing down. A herd of sheep is crossing the road along with a shepherd. This in turn, will help the cars left behind to cope up and be even with the front runners. Right to equality wins again in India. As the herd has now crossed, we can hear the accelerating engines’ roar again. After the third major turn, there are few dogs, as we have noticed, so it would be interesting to see the driving skills because the dogs themselves will try to evade the running vehicles. Luckily, every car has passed the hazardous area and so have the dogs. The dogs are busy doing something weird on the roadside now but attaching themselves from the behind and we can hear laughter from the crowd as they are enjoying watching the race doggy style.

Oh, one of the cars, while trying to avoid one dog has moved off track towards the pitstop. Anyways, they have decided to take the pitstop early in the lap 1 itself. But they are not being allowed to enter the pitstop as probably a polieman has stopped them. Probably, they have been stopped because the cars are running without number plate, no papers and obviously there is no chance that the driver will have his license with him as there are no pockets in the racing gear. Let them handle it as we move further the lap.

We have reached an important juncture now as there are some hairpin bend turns and dangerous, err, what? Speed breakers? Oh, for the first time, we have speed breakers on the racing track. Probably, this has been done to make the drivers get used to the Indian Roads. Interstingly, there were no humps yesterday when they were trying to win grid and pole positions. As they say, it happens only in India. So again the speed has failed to reach, even double figures if you ask me honestly, and they are now slowing down. Well, the F1 cars’ suspenion is not meant for speed breakers so it will again be interesting to see which make has best shockers.

Now we are closing down to the last portion of the Lap 1. After such an eventful Lap 1, it would be quite a scene to see who completes the lap 1, first. Oh, what? It appears that the track for the last 100 m is no where to be seen. The road looks decprated with ‘PWD at Work’ signs all over and it is still under construction.

—

With bits and pieces from http://live.autosport.com/commentary.php/id/392

Indo Icons fromYudi Adachi.

Inspired from a discussion with friends last night.

* Don’t go into too much detail.